To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

The 2 week rule is bizarre and sad. I can just about understand it for people who aren't immediate family but for grandparents (unless there's a huge backstory) it's just mean, and horrible to let them visit and not hold the baby.

Sounds like SIL's mum and sister will always be the priority but why didn't your BIL step in and make sure they got time with the baby?

That's BIL's parents I take it?
He could have been better tbh.

I don't blame his wife only wanting her own actual mum around for the very beginning, but her husband could be more inviting to his own parents.
But aren't men generally a bit clueless with family/babies etc?

It's so overwhelming for the first few weeks. I couldn't have anyone around at all.
Your parents seem like angels and the ideal grandparents because they have put aside their wishes to hold a new baby to prioritize the needs of the new mum and baby. They haven't tried to be pushy or anything at all.

There will be loads of baby moments coming up. It's still only a couple of weeks since the birth.

Yes very sad - would have expected SILs mother to have offered the other grandparents a cuddle even if her daughter didn’t.

This seems very sad. My SIL understandably prefers her mum and sister to me and my mum. However, she would never have treated us like that. We had cuddles with my niece on our first and subsequent visits. Perhaps BIL doesn't get on with his parents.

I really feel for your MIL and FIL, sounds awful for them!
Can your DH organise for him and them (and you) to go round again and for your DH to be a bit assertive on their behalf?

I don’t understand people’s obsession with no visitors for x amount of time. Maybe for a day or two after delivery to allow mum some recovery time but 2 weeks seems excessive. It’s also completely not acceptable to have that rule for one set of grandparents unless there is a backstory.

Whilst I didn’t want my babies just endlessly passed about to any random people, my PIL are not randomers. They’re my husband’s parents and have exactly the same degree of relationship with my DC as my parents. My parents always end up meeting my babies first due to geography and that we want our older children to meet the new baby first. My parents are our childcare in labour so it’s inevitable. PIL are welcome as soon as they want to come down though and cuddles are freely on offer as long as baby is happy for that.

Your SIL and BIL sound mean, I do wonder why the blame is falling on SIL though - why is BIL allowing this? If this were my family my husband would be having a quiet word with BIL, no question. I know it's difficult knowing whether to get involved though. I would also never dream of asking a visitor to stack my dishwasher, new baby or not!

This is so sad. I can’t imagine treating my DH’s parents like this. The people who have raised him into the man you’ve fallen in love with.

She absolutely shouldn’t have to ask. She should have been handed the baby and asked if she’d like a cuddle with her grandchild.

The only possible excuse for your SIL and BIL’s horrible entitled behaviour would be if your PILs smoke. If not then they sound dreadful, your poor PILs.

Yes I agree with other posters that your husband needs to have a word with BIL and ask him what he’s playing at.

Maybe the back story is the dil is just an unkind person who is only able to see her own needs.

The fault doesn’t always have to rest with the mil.

Her mum sounds like a bit of a knob. My mum and MIL would actually say to each other ‘right your turn’ and swap to who was holding the baby if they were visiting at the same time. I get why after having a baby women are generally more comfortable with their own mums - I definitely was because I didn’t like to look vulnerable in front of anyone but her - but your PILs I think have shot them selves in the foot by being too accommodating. Waiting 2 weeks for a straightforward birth is insane. I think they can make their wishes known and still not be too pushy. They need to be more assertive.

Well that’s awful.

When dd had her dc she arranged a meet up a week later for both sets of gp’s to arrive at the same time.
Dd’s in laws were so excited, we already have a dgc through ds. Dd’s mil kept checking she wasn’t hogging the baby but I assured her we would all have lots of time for cuddles.

I’d be mortified if dd’s in laws felt left out. However their ds would never allow it, he loves his parents.
Babies should bring family’s together.

In that your MIL did absolutely the right thing and once baby is a bit older I'm sure will be offered a cuddle. Newborn babies don't actually enjoy with randoms even if related.

Sil will be on here in a few years moaning that mil favours your children.

have you been allowed to meet the new baby?

I think these in-laws need to be less giving in terms of their time and effort. They are good enough to mend fences, do housework and bring lunch. Yet not once did anyone offer them a cuddle of the baby.

Can I adopt these in laws?

When holding a new grandchild, I am always inclusive when their other grandparents are there.
I would only cuddle for a short time and share.

I can't believe that the baby's father did not suggest his mother and father hold the new child. It's sad.

It can only get better. Hopefully they can hold baby next time.
Op, you could remind SIL how lovely PIL are as grandparents.

How vile. Your poor PIL.

Is the grandchild a boy? Karma may have the last word.

YANBU. I went to see a distant family friend and her newborn recently. She was very gracious and asked me if I wanted a cuddle. If a distant friend can do that then I’m gobsmacked that a son wouldn’t do it for his own mother. BIL should have offered.

I would advise MIL to take a step back, stop the meals and housework for them. Also FIL should stop being their handy man.

It really seems like they use PIL for work and save the genuine relationship for the wife’s parents.

What a shitty way for their son to treat them.

There’s no backstory or anything to this. I would say BIL is just a bit thoughtless and makes next to no effort for his parents- hardly ever calls or bothers to visit- the effort always comes from them. SIL by contrast is super close with her sister and Mum- they all phone each other every day, call round to each others houses all the time, go on weekends away together etc. But MIL really has made an effort with both of us- has arranged days out and different things for us to do together, is always getting us little presents if she sees something she thinks we’d like. I think having no daughters of her own she was always hoping she’d be able to be close with her DILs. I feel so sad for her.

Of course she shouldn’t have had to ask. They all sound rude, bloody awful and tone deaf, what’s the matter with people? I don’t have gc but I can’t imagine my ds would let his partner keep me away like that if he had a baby. He’d be so happy and proud and couldn’t wait to introduce us.

It’s a shame, yes, but at the end of the day it’s their baby and their choice who they offer cuddles to.

I do hope so.

Your BIL and SIL sound like total nightmares.