To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Nope. First granddaughter, first girl in the family for two generations- DH and I have two boys.

The two week rule is only ever enforced by people who intend to keep the GPs are arms’ length IME. This behaviour just confirm that.

It’s pretty bad that BIL doesn’t seem to want his own parents involved either - he is the one who should be stepping in to include them if his wife isn’t.

Lol yeah she will.

Sounds like they don’t have a great or close relationship with their son. That’s the issue here isn’t it. He only talks to them when / if he wants/needs something.

Then a grandchild has arrived and people are expecting different behaviour from the couple than what’s always existed.

Son doesn’t care. Still doesn’t care.

Dil close to mum and sister. Still close to mum and sister. Presumably leaving his side for him to deal with as many women now do.

She should have asked. I don't think she can complain about it if she didn't. SIL is probably about to start a thread about how her MIL visited and didn't even ask to hold the baby.

And yet they use the PIL as free grunt work. Deplorable behaviour.

I wish I had a mil like yours, your bil and sil are an absolute pair of selfish users. Sil has ensured that there's a pecking order and your bil is dumb enough to go along with it. Your pil needs to have a word with him.

Ironically, your bil is a bit shortsighted because he's teaching his dc (especially if a boy) how to treat him when he becomes a grandfather........

I don’t think anyone is disputing that.

I really relate to this. My MIL also had two sons and was thrilled to acquire DILs. My SIL (now ex as that marriage broke down) was incredibly close to her own mum (nothing wrong with that of course) and kept MIL at arms’ length so MIL was never able to develop any sort of relationship with her and was not able to see the grandchildren very often.

I was also very close to my Mum but worked at developing a good relationship with my MIL because she is the person who raised my DH who is a wonderful man. My MIL and I are like chalk and cheese in terms of interests but we have become close over the years, and she was always invited to cuddle the babies and later invited to babysit or have the children for a weekend etc. We shared Christmas between my parents and my ILs. I wanted them to be equal in terms of how much involvement they had with their grandchildren.

It has worked out well for all of us, not least because I unexpectedly lost my parents fairly young so now my DCs only have the one set of grandparents so it’s just as well there was already a close relationship there.

My SIL's in my husband's family are like this with newborns/babeis. I really dislike this way of being with family and have pulled completely back. It's a shame but I feel much better.

Yes, if there’s no history of unpleasantness this seems very unfair. My MIL wouldn’t have dreamed of pushing in and I simply put my babies jn her arms when they visited.

I hope your PILs stop doing little jobs for this lazy bunch of grifters.

Bil and Sil have sent a clear message, Pil should lower the expectations it’s less hurtful that way, keep the lines of communication open, keep sending the present as I’m sure they will be excepted. Luckily it sounds like she has a lovely family in your and your dh.

Super mean of your SIL.

I wish i had PILs like this!

This is really sad.

It’s literally every time they go and visit too. They went to stay for a weekend while SIL was pregnant, FIL ended up helping BIL wallpaper the downstairs loo with the ugliest fucking wallpaper I’ve ever seen and put together all the nursery furniture.

So they are seen as staff then? Sod that.

I understand daughters will be closer to their mums but that was just awful of your sil.
When I had dd my dad was at the hospital the next morning with baby clothes for a 12-18mnth old and lots of chocolate for me. As he left mil appeared with flowers and baby clothes ( in the right size) and was treated exactly the same as my dad.
The day we left the hospital we were straight round at dhs grandma's to meet the rest of his side of the family and the next morning round at my dad's.
I'll never have the same relationship with my in laws as I had with my parents but they are equally the same in dds eyes, as it should be.

Why?
what’s wrong with family wanting some space?

This will work out great for you long term though, because inevitably your in laws actually WILL favour your kids 😂

I’m actually quite cross for them- they’re trying to be all sanguine but I can tell they’re really hurt. DH is fuming with BIL.

Your MIL sounds lovely! Both your PILs do, in fact.

It's a bit precious though isn't it, two whole weeks but your own mum and sister can meet the baby.

I'd suggest a 'can we come and visit the baby, we didn't even get one cuddle the other day as we were doing x, y and z'... Although I can see how that would be turned on them, so maybe not...

Because you don’t recover from birth within a day or 2 🤷🏻‍♀️
Not everyone is comfortable with having visitors whilst sitting in adult nappies, sore, bleeding with breasts constantly out trying to establish breastfeeding.
What is so difficult to grasp about that?