To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

I do think it was unfair for the PIL in this scenario. I definitely wouldn’t have asked MIL to do all those jobs, I’d have expected her to be sitting down with us meeting baby and dh to be making her a cup of tea!

Oh sorry, didn’t realise I had to spell it out! …and I think most sensible people would do the same, because they’d recognise that inviting one set of parents over ostensibly to meet their grandchild for the first time then keeping them occupied with chores all afternoon (whether they offered to do them or were asked) while the other side of the family sit chatting and holding a baby they’ve already met several times would be completely taking advantage of them.

I’m not sure this is that controversial - even the posters here who think the in-laws shouldn’t get to hold their grandchild think it was off of the SIL/BIL to keep them running around doing jobs the whole time.

Ah right, it's your opinion and no-one could possibly disagree. Got it.

@KeinLiebeslied54321 I think I must have said something to offend you, so I’ll apologise and leave it there. I guess I just feel strongly about this thread because I’d have given anything to have in-laws as helpful, enthusiastic and invested as OP’s, and that’s obviously colouring my response - maybe you have your own reasons for feeling strongly about it too.

Why is everyone obsessed with being offended, can't we just disagree?

Good Lord! I’ve never had to ask to hold any of my newborn DGC.

Does you BIL and SIL realise they have to ask for their share in PIL’s house and assets when they depart this world OP?

Very sad for your PIL, I think anyone that you like well enough to invite to meet your baby, provided they aren’t harbouring obvious germs or are likely to drop the baby or be in anyway irresponsible, should be asked if they’d like to hold the baby- especially the grandparents. It’s very mean of the mother and sister to hog the baby on the PIL’s first visit as well. Sadly this is something you hear of a lot. If brother in law has such a terrible relationship with them that he can’t offer this basic politeness then he shouldn’t be asking them to come round so he can take advantage of their help around the house.

Oh for God sake. This whole post is very one sided. We're you actually there? Could your very shy and timid mil not just ask to hold the baby?

@Concannon88
Why did you copy the whole of the OP’s original post?

I think it's quite normal for SIL to want her own family round if she is close to them, and I can excuse someone who has just had a baby coming across a bit thoughtless or rude, as she is likely knackered. It's really up to BIL to invite and include his own family.

And also give it time! There are years and years to be grandparents. The baby mostly just wants its mum at the moment.

Because I'm not too sure how to respond on here, crap with technology

I had 3 children and encouraged their relationship with all of their grandmothers from birth onward. There were four of them as both my father and FIL had remarried! As a DIL I felt it was my responsibility to work on my relationships with my MIL and stepMIL so that I and my children did not ever feel that they were somehow not expected to be as close to their father's mother as they were to my mother. I especially did not want my children to feel that I wasn't as close to my MIL as I was to my own mother, so I worked to become close to her by spending time together to build a relationship since I did not have the benefit of having been raised by her. I used to drive from 2 states away to my MIL house at least once a week to visit her with the children so the would develop a deep relationship with her just spending time together doing ordinary things like talking about school and having lunch or dinner together. I invited her to my house often but understood that she was not as comfortable with highway driving as I am. The idea that the children should be closer to and favored by the grandmother on the mother's side is so damaging to the children. From the children's point of view they were all their grandmothers. My eldest daughter (now 30) recently admitted that when she was younger she thought everyone had 4 grandmothers and didn't understand why her friends said they only had 2! Work on the relationship and make a dedicated effort for your children to be close with both or all the grandmothers they have. They are only around for a short time in the children's life. Both of my grandmother's were my all time favorite people in my life. My dad's mom lived a block away and mom's mom lived a state away. My parents made sure I had strong relationship with both from birth on and I am so grateful to them for that.

Why would you think that any grandparent would not want to hold their grandchild? They came to visit because there is a brand new human being that is part of them in the house. That is why they came. Doing household chores, cooking and home repairs is lovely (and quite honestly beyond the scope of requirements of in-laws and grandparents but we'll leave that for some other post.) but there is no one on Earth that could say they weren't there to see, hold, cuddle, kiss and love their new grandchild. The audacity of anyone here claiming to not understand that grandparents coming to visit would want to hold their grandchild is beyond ridiculous. No grandparent should ever have to ask to hold their grandchild. It is implied because they actually birthed one of the parents of the brand new human. No words need to be spoken, they are not aliens visiting from another planet. They are the closest living relatives other than the parents themselves. And no grandparent is more important or deserving than another. The idea that the mother's parents are somehow more entitled to a relationship with the grandchildren is bizarre to me although apparently sadly common as is evidenced by the all horrible comments on mumsnet and FB by DIL who actively try to keep their spouse's parents away from their children and themselves. So very sad for those children.

@Concannon88
If you just want to add to the thread, type in the box. It’s not necessary to quote the OP’s original, long post. It’s annoying.

Sorry, but this is so much rubbish and full of assumptions.

As I said upthread, my IL’s didn’t want to hold our dc as babies, they were scared of dropping them. I don’t ever remember my dad holding them, although can’t swear that he didn’t.

Of course they came to see the baby but i wouldn’t have known that holding the baby was an important part of that, and if it was important to them, why wouldn’t they just say ‘do you mind if I hold him?’ - I can’t imagine a situation in which my parents or in laws wouldn’t feel comfortable to ask to hold the baby or think that it might be a problem!

Neither my parents nor in laws did household jobs for us when we had babies, or cooked! My mum did look after older dc while I was giving birth.

Who said that one grandparent is more deserving than another?! You’re quoting my post, so you’re very mistaken if you mean me. My in laws have a great relationship with the dc. I don’t think any human being has a God-given right to a relationship with another though and family dynamics are different, some grandparents aren’t lovely! But we are fortunate that my dc have good relationships with their living grandparents.

Just assuming that every grandparent is the same and desperate to hold the baby is utterly nuts @terrimom !

@WaitingForMojo if it was important to them, why wouldn’t they just say ‘do you mind if I hold him?’ - I can’t imagine a situation in which my parents or in laws wouldn’t feel comfortable to ask to hold the baby or think that it might be a problem!

I think OP mentioned upthread that the in-laws are trying very hard not to impose or overstep any boundaries. My in-laws are similar in this respect and would never have asked to hold their grandchildren had they not been offered them.

I realise your in-laws didn’t want to hold their grandchildren, but I’d imagine that, generally, it’s so well known that grandparents would want to hold their grandchildren that most grandparents would assume that if a cuddle wasn’t offered, the mum must be reluctant to hand the child over, so they’d feel awkward about asking.

It's about something different which you fail to comprehend. GPs may want to hold a grandchild- it does not mean they have an automatic right to do so. Their preconceptions of how the relationship is going to be like has nothing to do here. Neither is the fact how much they want the grandchild or how long they have been waiting for it. It is not their child and they dont really have any rights over it. The fact they birthed one of the parents also does not mean anything. It is not their child that was birthed at this moment in time. They child's parents decide who holds the baby.

No one said mother's aprents are more entitled, but, what you also didnt understand, that the mother may have a much closer relationship with her own parents than PiLs and trust them more. And she was the one giving birth.

We dont know what relationship SiL has wirth the PiLs- and OP is not a reliable withess, as she only speaks from perspective of herself having a great relationship with them, and imposes that this should be the case for SiL as well, but this may not be the case. She was also not present at the time of this happening, and is clearly jaded she was not invited over while SiLs family had been around.

You imagine differently from me, I imagine that lots of people wouldn’t realise they wanted to hold the baby if they didn’t ask!

You say the mother's parents are not "more entitled" but in the very next breath claim that she is automatically "closer" to them because they birthed her. Therefore mother's parents and siblings are automatically more entitled to hold, cuddle and love the grandchild than the father's parents because mother is actively choosing to them at arm's length (or further, in this particular case), simply because they are not her parents. It's just so sad to see so many young mums with this alienating mindset of keeping in-laws away from their children and to be deliberately creating distance and a feeling of having to ask to hold their grandchild. As I said, I did everything I could to make my MIL and FIL feel welcome and to encourage them to develop strong relationships with my children. Not one ever had to ask me to hold their grandbaby! I would have been insulted if they came and didn't hold the baby. And they would have been insulted if they came over and the newborn wasn't immediately deposited in their loving arms. The concepts of in-laws being intruders who are there to cross boundaries and take over the parenting of the newborn feel more like internet propaganda that an entire generation has been indoctrinated with and embraced out of their own lack of parenting confidence and experience. I am so saddened to read all the comments here despising grandparents in general and in-laws so very specifically. The grandchildren are the one's who will miss out on a beautiful experience of the special relationship that is possible with a grandparent. Not ever to replace the relationship with their parent, but to enhance the life of the grandchild as one of the most special and loving and sadly, one of the shortest relationships they will ever have. I still miss all of my grandparents and I am old enough that I am one now. My parents were wise enough to allow me to love them and vice versa. I had my own relationship with each of my grandparents completely separate from my parents relationship with their parents. And there was no sense of mom's parents being "closer" because they birthed her. My parents realized that to me they were each my grandparent. It's just so sad for the babies deliberately being kept away in this generation. :(

While I agree with you it’s a bit like UPF - no one in real life that I’ve come across really would expect their in-laws not to have a cuddle with the new baby. There’s a bit of concern about smokers but that’s it ime.

Just like no one IRL does zero UPF.

Hard to dispute with someone who cant read. The fact mum's parents are closer does not mean they should feel more entitled, but that the mother may and often does have a preference and trusts her parents more more. It's hardly rocket science, no?
Your personal history here is totally irrelevant because you did with your kid what you wanted, but each mum should have the same right, and if they dont want to hand their child to someone, they should not feel they need to in the name of a tradition. I have an amazing relationship with my MiL, but some people may not and it's not my business to tel lthem they are wrong.

Young mums these days face so much pressure from parents and inlaws dictating what things should be like because they were like these in the good ol' days- and I think it's great that women feel they have a choice and don't need to cave in to the pressure to please internet strangers or family members they dont get on with who muscle in and try to dictate them what to do.

The point was slightly different- that the fact something was the norm does not mean it still has to be the norm.
SiL chose not to hand over the child to the MiL, she had a right to do so, end of story.

It's not really "end of story" though is it @Wouldyouguess (I'm ladybird but have nc). We don't own our children, they are part of a wider family and assuming gos are decent people, the children have a right to form equally loving relationships with all their grandparents. The kids really don't feel that mum'sparents are more important than dad's - they are equally the grandchildren of both.