To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

I wonder how common this is though. Do you think that, in this case, neither the SIL, nor her husband, nor her mum, nor her sister thought that SIL’s in-laws might want to hold the baby? That’s what I can’t get my head around.

@terrimom I'd say your reading comprehension isn't the best. Just because the pil didn't end up holding the baby doesn't mean the new mum was trying to alienate them. They are old enough to have asked for a cuddle from whoever was holding the baby. You've banged on enough about how the mum has tried to exclude the pil and her own family being more entitled, however you've missed one big point- their own son was there too. Why haven't you chastised him for alienating them? Are you implying giving birth isn't enough, its now her responsibility to make sure each and every single member of visitors is having their own personal cuddle time with the baby?

Your own experience is purely anecdotal and nothing more.

I mean in that sense you need to wait till the children are old enough to decide they wish to cuddle granny and aunty mable surely.

As it is their relationship, babies basically only have a relationship with their caregiver.

Well yes, as tiny babies they do only need their caregiver. But it's in their best interests to bond with extended family too and that happens when grandparents and aunties/uncles cuddle and play with them and are allowed to properly share their lives.

If parents keep one set of gps on the outside, and favour one side, those bonds won't really form - it's a selfish thing to do to one's own children.

I obviously loved my own parents more than my in-laws, but to my dc, their grandparents were equal and that's how it should be (assuming a normal loving family). Kids can't have too many people to love them!