To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Did MIL ask if she could have a cuddle of the baby?

Yeah I think that's shit behaviour and very sad.

You see it on here all the time though. And dozens of people will post 'your baby, your rules hun' forgetting that the baby and the grandparents are family too, and should be able and encouraged to develop their own loving relationship.

I don't know why people desperately gatekeep their baby from its own family tbh. I do remember having the feeling in the early days of feeling a bit claustrophobic around the ILs but as the fog cleared I was a bit embarrassed at how I'd felt.

Awww….this has made me feel sad. Wouldn’t you think one of them would have thought to offer to hold the baby?

I hate when people make rules that don’t apply to their side of the family.

Not unreasonable at all. The BIL / SIL and SIL's mum and sister.seem sort of mean.

did they ask to hold the baby? That all seems weird

Awww, your poor PIL; they sound like lovely people. It’s like this in some families. My ex-SIL was a bit like this with her babies. Her Mum was there all the time and they always went to her Mum for Christmas Day etc- MIL didn’t get much of a look-in. As a result, PILs have ended up much closer to my children than they are to their other grandchildren just because of how much time they have been able to spend with each family over the years.

There nothing you can do other than to continue to maintain your own good relationship with your ILs.

Did they ask to hold the baby?

If not, they are being unreasonable as your SIL may have thought they weren’t particularly interested but just doing a family duty visit.

If yes, then they are not being unreasonable.

With regards to SIL’s mother and sister visiting - they are probably her closest female relatives. Her relationship with them is understandably different to her relationship with her MIL. They would be there is to support your SIL rather than just visit the baby.
It is not a case of two grandmothers competing for time with a baby. It a grandmother wanting to see her grandchild and a mother wanting to help her daughter. Two very different roles.

(It does sound like you have a lovely MIL though)

Sounds like there might be a back story?

If they've asked for two weeks as a family then maybe they've had problems in the relationship before.

If not, then mil should have asked.

Ah, that seems mean. They obviously did their best to help, not intrude and be as respectful as the most demanding new parents could wish. They should have been allowed a new baby cuddle and they shouldn't have had to ask.

Badly done.

This is not a case of two grandmothers competing for time with a baby. It a grandmother wanting to see her grandchild and a mother wanting to help her daughter. Two very different roles.

You might be right but if so, surely the SIL’s Mum would be doing things like bringing and preparing food, making teas and coffees etc if she saw her role as primarily supporting her daughter.

That's a shame but IMO, this 'don't come for 2 weeks till we bond as a family' is enough to put me off going at all.

That’s crap. I’m not close to my FIL at all, DH isn’t particularly, he’s closer to my parents but he only has his dad so there is a relationship.

But we wouldn’t treat them any differently when it comes to baby (I’m currently waiting to be induced!) my parents will do more, FIL won’t babysit, hasn’t bought anything for baby (absolutely no problem!) but there’s a huge different between him and my parents who both excitedly talk about baby, my dads bought baby overalls to help in the garage 😂. But he will absolutely be able to come over and cuddle baby.

@MumDadBingoBIuey your SIL sounds like a mumsnetter. There are some of them already commenting here. " she should have asked". If she had asked, she would have been called "overbearing ". The parents of the dad are to be seen not heard. They should stay away until they are wanted for childcare!

Why’s your BiL letting his mum being treated so shoddily?

They sound thoughtless and selfish.

HOWEVER, I had a visceral reaction to my in-laws when I had a baby, especially my MIL. I wanted her out of my house, I didn’t want them anywhere near the baby. I tried to battle the feeling but it was so strong. I didn’t even want them to hold her. I have no idea why I felt as I did - they are difficult people but this was unhinged on my part. I also had loads of my own family descending and felt overwhelmed and ragged at times and I blamed them.
They did not wash up or bring food however, they sat and seemed awkward and the whole thing was just urgh.

Advise your MIL to wait and see if things improve and not to take it personally - it’s a very intense and strange time for a new mum and some people really struggle to keep
it together socially.

They didn’t asked to hold the baby, they wanted to wait to be invited to hold her- MIL is very conscious of boundaries and never wants to seem pushy.

Your MIL sounds wonderful, I feel rather sad for her. Yes she could have asked of course, and maybe that's what she will have to do next time, but surely someone in that room would have known she would love to have a cuddle of the baby.

There’s a saying thet you’re always closer to your daughter’s children than you are to your son’s children. It’s unfortunate but true that the baby’s mother usually prioritises her own relatives ahead of her husband’s when she has a baby. It’s natural that she keeps her blood relatives close at this time ahead of people she has no relation to except by marriage. This doesn’t make it fair.

It sounds as if your MIL should have asked if she could hold the baby. I’m shocked the mum didn’t at least offer that.

I think your BIL and SIL were very inconsiderate. SIL obviously feels comfortable with MIL if she’s happy to ask her to do jobs in the kitchen. I never really liked my in-laws but when they came to visit my new babies the first thing I did was offer them a cuddle once baby was awake and fed.

It does seem strange to her have sister and mum around for her dhs parents first visit to even see the baby unless they are staying there.

Also weird that the son never thought to offer a baby cuddle to his mum or dad. Or that neither grandparent even made a passing comment about a cuddle.

My youngest is 8 now but I can’t say I actually remember offering any of my babies to anyone for cuddles unless I actually needed that pair of hands to hold baby. It was always a “oh let us have a cuddle””pass baby here for a squeeze” “Give us the baby so you can eat that food while it’s still hot” type stuff.

I understand you totally. Your PIL can't win here. I would advise them to let them be. Later they will then complain how they don't "help" them🤨

Mil shouldn't have needed to ask.. She didn't go round as the hired help to serve food to dil's guests.. She went to meet her dgc... What an absolute cow and shoddy treatment of his dm by bil.

Your PIL, especially your MIL, sound absolutely lovely OP. Such a shame they didn’t get cuddles.

So if the mothers family were there to support her why was it that MIL and FIL ended up running about doing housework while the ones there to support sat in their backsides cuddling the baby?
Hate people that will always find an excuse for people being arseholes to their inlaws for no reason.