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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

529 replies

MumDadBingoBIuey · 17/03/2024 11:46

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 17/03/2024 13:59

I didn’t want anyone to hold my baby. Still don’t! Maybe those absolutely closest to me- my best friend for example- but still don’t like most family holding him. At my antenatal class the midwife told us that nobody apart from parents should be holding baby for weeks.

Original poster
MumDadBingoBIuey · 17/03/2024 14:00

DrJoanAllenby · 17/03/2024 13:23

Can you not see the problem? Your mother in law has gossiped to you about their visit, so perhaps your sister and brother in law are right to keep that side of the family at arms length.

She wasn’t gossiping - we asked how the visit went, they told us.

OP posts:
PansyOatZebra · 17/03/2024 14:00

EVHead · 17/03/2024 11:47

Did MIL ask if she could have a cuddle of the baby?

This! If she didn’t ask then she’s not going to get to hold baby

femfemlicious · 17/03/2024 14:00

Flittingaboutagain · 17/03/2024 12:07

In that your MIL did absolutely the right thing and once baby is a bit older I'm sure will be offered a cuddle. Newborn babies don't actually enjoy with randoms even if related.

Show quote history

Maybe this is your SIL. I'm sure she is a mumsnette

coodawoodashooda · 17/03/2024 14:02

SmallIslander · 17/03/2024 11:57

Your MIL sounds wonderful, I feel rather sad for her. Yes she could have asked of course, and maybe that's what she will have to do next time, but surely someone in that room would have known she would love to have a cuddle of the baby.

Exactly

LovelyTheresa · 17/03/2024 14:03

MummyJ36 · 17/03/2024 13:59

OP it is her first baby please give her some slack. Sometimes when we’re in the thick of it we forget to be conscious of everyone’s feelings. When my DC1 was born I was so stunned, in pain and struggling to BF that I just wanted my mum there. I got so exhausted with the endless visitors and expectations of baby cuddles that when DC2 came along I did put a quiet ban on any visits before 2 weeks. I didn’t include my PIL’s in this though and they came on the third day.

Please don’t get your DH to have a go at them. Please remember how difficult it is adjusting to a new baby. You will really stress your SIL out and she will likely remember this down the line.

I totally agree with this. OP, this is nothing to do with you and your DH. Please stay out of it. Just because you have a great relationship with your PIL doesn't mean that your BIL and SIL do, you shouldn't be meddling.

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/03/2024 14:04

Your in-laws sound absolutely lovely - please tell them all of MN agree! I think they're going to need to be a little more direct with the parents of the new baby (DH telling BiL as well should help).

mammaCh · 17/03/2024 14:05

Surely you'd just say "I'd absolutely love a cuddle!"
Why wait to be invited? That's not over stepping boundaries.
Maybe the mum and dad thought they didn't actually want to? I had a PiL who did not want a baby on her ever.

jamimmi · 17/03/2024 14:05

Your poor.MIL she sounds lovely and your SIL should appreciate her more. SIL mum should.also have offered giving SIL the excuse of baby brain. I remember my mum promoting me to let MIL hold Dd when she was born, hard labour with complications genuinely just didn't think. Also MIL not as nice as yrs sounds. Time for DH to have a word as you say

SchoolQuestionnaire · 17/03/2024 14:06

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/03/2024 11:52

Did they ask to hold the baby?

If not, they are being unreasonable as your SIL may have thought they weren’t particularly interested but just doing a family duty visit.

If yes, then they are not being unreasonable.

With regards to SIL’s mother and sister visiting - they are probably her closest female relatives. Her relationship with them is understandably different to her relationship with her MIL. They would be there is to support your SIL rather than just visit the baby.
It is not a case of two grandmothers competing for time with a baby. It a grandmother wanting to see her grandchild and a mother wanting to help her daughter. Two very different roles.

(It does sound like you have a lovely MIL though)

It is not a case of two grandmothers competing for time with a baby. It a grandmother wanting to see her grandchild and a mother wanting to help her daughter. Two very different roles.

I agree with this to some extent but I’m unsure why in this case that equates to dmil cooking lunch and doing the dishwasher and laundry while the dm (who is supposedly there to help her dd) gets to cuddle the baby. It’s completely unfair to treat the dmil like this on her first visit. It’s patently obvious that she’s there to see her dgc, she shouldn’t have to ask. I really feel for her and would be very hurt if my ds treated me like this.

femfemlicious · 17/03/2024 14:07

Rowgtfc72 · 17/03/2024 12:34

I understand daughters will be closer to their mums but that was just awful of your sil.
When I had dd my dad was at the hospital the next morning with baby clothes for a 12-18mnth old and lots of chocolate for me. As he left mil appeared with flowers and baby clothes ( in the right size) and was treated exactly the same as my dad.
The day we left the hospital we were straight round at dhs grandma's to meet the rest of his side of the family and the next morning round at my dad's.
I'll never have the same relationship with my in laws as I had with my parents but they are equally the same in dds eyes, as it should be.

👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿. This is how it should be!. Husbands parents here are seen as be quiet and stay away until we need you for money or childcare!. Only say what we want you to say, never proffer any opinion or else you will be banished!. I'm glad I don't have a son.

x88mph · 17/03/2024 14:08

Your MIL sounds lovely. I can't believe the other grandma didn't offer her a cuddle of the baby either.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2024 14:09

Your MIL sounds lovely and ideal grandparent. There will be many many many chances to cuddle though. Rather than bitch about the new mum to the rest of the family it would be better if she asks her son would it be ok to have a cuddle next time we visit?

Everleigh13 · 17/03/2024 14:09

Microdisney · 17/03/2024 13:33

But surely the reason is obvious? You say there’s no backstory, but then drop in that your BIL never calls or visits his parents and makes no effort with them.

Whatever the reason for this is, the effect is that his wife has never had to reckon with them as in any way significant presences, probably barely knows them, has spent little time with them, and is taking her cue from her husband in terms of how important they are in her life.

Conversely, she’s fond of and close to her own mother and sister and wants them in her life, makes a point of seeing them all the time. It’s not her job to take responsibility for her husband’s lack of relationship to his own parents.

Maybe he’s a thoughtless prick, maybe he’s not close to them for a reason — you don’t know this for sure, OP, and neither does your husband. Siblings can have a very different relationship with their parents, despite growing up in the same circumstances. I’m the eldest of four and we all have significantly different relationships to our parents. OP, you think they’re adorable because your own family is dysfunctional, but his view of them may not be so rosy. Which means his wife’s may not be either.

But either way, regardless of why he’s not close to his parents, it’s hardly surprising there’s no ‘symmetrical’ relationship between the two families, if one spouse is close to theirs and the other one isn’t.

TL; DR. Your BIL isn’t at all close to his parents, and never bothers to make contact, so it’s hardly surprising the visit wasn’t a resounding success. It’s a pity for your PILs, but it’s hardly news, I would have said. Babies aren’t bandages.

I think this is a very useful take on things.

I also thought it was interesting that OP said there was no backstory and yet went on to describe the BIL not making an effort with his parents. That is the backstory. There is probably much more to this than OP is aware of, how the family dynamic has developed and so on.

I do feel sorry for the PIL that they didn’t get to hold the baby and have a better visit.

JudgeJ · 17/03/2024 14:10

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/03/2024 11:52

Did they ask to hold the baby?

If not, they are being unreasonable as your SIL may have thought they weren’t particularly interested but just doing a family duty visit.

If yes, then they are not being unreasonable.

With regards to SIL’s mother and sister visiting - they are probably her closest female relatives. Her relationship with them is understandably different to her relationship with her MIL. They would be there is to support your SIL rather than just visit the baby.
It is not a case of two grandmothers competing for time with a baby. It a grandmother wanting to see her grandchild and a mother wanting to help her daughter. Two very different roles.

(It does sound like you have a lovely MIL though)

All the usual excuses to side line the paternal family! Should they have to actually ask to hold their grandchild? Had they asked no doubt the narrative would change to 'they were very pushy'!
They didn't just roll up empty handed, the MIL had thoughtfully considered making their life easier after the birth by producing food and had made lovely gifts for the baby.
No doubt they will be quick to ask the paternal in-laws for help with baby sitting etc., they sound to be the selfish sort of people.

rainingsnoring · 17/03/2024 14:11

Your PIL sounds absolutely lovely and I would also feel upset on their behalf. It sounds as if all they do for BIL/ SIL is unappreciated. I think your DH having a quite word is a good idea unless he thinks it would just make matters worse.

rainingsnoring · 17/03/2024 14:11

quiet not quite!

OhmygodDont · 17/03/2024 14:11

JudgeJ · 17/03/2024 14:10

All the usual excuses to side line the paternal family! Should they have to actually ask to hold their grandchild? Had they asked no doubt the narrative would change to 'they were very pushy'!
They didn't just roll up empty handed, the MIL had thoughtfully considered making their life easier after the birth by producing food and had made lovely gifts for the baby.
No doubt they will be quick to ask the paternal in-laws for help with baby sitting etc., they sound to be the selfish sort of people.

Show quote history

Or more as usual the dil gets the blame for a shitty sons actions 🙃

JudgeJ · 17/03/2024 14:11

Doyoumind · 17/03/2024 12:01

The 2 week rule is bizarre and sad. I can just about understand it for people who aren't immediate family but for grandparents (unless there's a huge backstory) it's just mean, and horrible to let them visit and not hold the baby.

Sounds like SIL's mum and sister will always be the priority but why didn't your BIL step in and make sure they got time with the baby?

Generally after a birth the father isn't allowed an opinion, especially about visitors.

PrimalLass · 17/03/2024 14:13

That's shit behaviour on the other grandma's part too.

Doyoumind · 17/03/2024 14:14

ttcat37 · 17/03/2024 13:59

I didn’t want anyone to hold my baby. Still don’t! Maybe those absolutely closest to me- my best friend for example- but still don’t like most family holding him. At my antenatal class the midwife told us that nobody apart from parents should be holding baby for weeks.

God forbid anyone but a parent gets their hands on a baby. Does this include midwives, doctors, nurses? What a load of nonsense. A baby isn't a toy to be passed around but I refuse to believe a loving cuddle from a relative in the presence of a parent is going to do a baby any harm.

And in this case, the baby was being held by SIL's mum and sister so your anecdote is irrelevant.

Wexone · 17/03/2024 14:14

Totally get ya op. own parents are going through the same. expect baby is 9 months old now. parents who actually live across the road always ring 1st before going over (and yes they do get told many a time its not a god time and respect that ) but I say they have probably held the baby 3 times in his life. christening we were like lepers at tye back no photos of parents or aunts holding baby. and before anyone jumps donw my throat there are a stream of visitors going in the house ( parents can see them) her own mother also lives up the road and is like living there. constant stream of photos with her family etc up on FB and insta. last time they were there my mother says oh wexone is minding nieces today (sisters kids) brother pipes up oh wexone never does that for us. mother said back to him sure she has offered many a time you siad no to her. you don't ask don't get.no back story or nothing but totally cast aside for her family. no calling in Xmas day no photos nothing. dreading the 1st birthday now soon. dunno why none of my friends treat their inlaws this way. it really really hurts

PlumbersWifey · 17/03/2024 14:14

SIL and BIL sound batshit.

Whatthefrance2024 · 17/03/2024 14:17

Did they ask to hold the baby?

Crumpleton · 17/03/2024 14:17

I think that's quite sad, and in a way reflects that your SIL's mum and sister are just as bad as your SIL.

I became a GP nearly a year ago and my DIL's parents live a distance away and with their obligations don't often get to see the little one where as I see GC weekly.

It's GC 1st birthday soon and DS/DIL have asked if they can have a family/friends get together at our house, DIL's parents will be coming up and I fully understand that they will want to spend as much time with GC as they can and absolutely no offence will be taken from me and even though we'll be in my own home I hope that DIL's parents feel under no obligation to wait their turn.

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