To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Your in laws sound lovely, OP. Even I am cross on their behalf.

What would happen if you showed this thread within the family?

That’s really shitty behaviour but tells your MIL and FIL everything they need to know about where they are in the pecking order. Very selfish of the mum and sister to not even assume your MIL would want a cuddle. The um and sister should have prepped the lunch and sorted what needed doing in the kitchen to give your MIL and FIL some time with the baby.

BIL is a tool as is his mother-in-law. BIL carries most of the blame though and you’d have hoped it would have occurred to SIL that your MIL and FIL hadn’t held the baby yet.

BIL should have offered his mum and dad a cuddle at the point when the baby was getting passed after the feed. Had I been SIL’s mother at that point I’d have been piping up, “Mike and Debbie haven’t had a cuddle yet have they?…” not just sat cuddling the baby for the umpteenth time while they sat like stuffed toys or skivvied around the house.

☹️

Is DH going to have a word with BIL?

Yes, definitely seems like a power move by SIL’s mum and sister holding the baby most of the time.

Or they are taking their cue from BIL.

I don’t think it is.
Baby will still be there in 2 weeks time.
It’s a bit inconsiderate for anyone to be offended/upset at not being invited as soon as Mother gives birth.
What’s the rush with “having to meet the baby” ?..
Baby won’t know any different. Mother on the other hand might appreciate having some space to recover and establish breastfeeding without unnecessary stress/pressure

I bet SIL has been in MN where this two weeks alone stuff is trotted out all the time.

Your SIL and BIL have behaved appallingly, as has SIL's family tbh, and DH ideally needs to have a calm discussion with BIL about it all. They sound like heartless selfish users.

Give it time and they'll be on here moaning about how your DCs are prioritised and they've got no idea what's gone wrong.

Honestly they are dream in-laws. My own family is quite dysfunctional (my mum is very, very hard work, Dad not really around since I was kid) I’m always telling DH how jealous I am of his lovely normal, supportive parents!

Reading that has made me so sad for your Mil @MumDadBingoBIuey. What a horrible way to treat her. She sounds absolutely lovely too. What on earth’s the matter with your brother in law?

I was thinking this.
Its very different when you first havd the baby having your own mum around to help out, she obviously feels closer to her own mum to ask her to ask around the house, talk about personal things after birth - so her mum is there as help and support. Not just to cuddle the new baby.

They may just be so caught up in it all that they didn't even think, i never offered my baby out for cuddles. If someone asked, then i responded.

Sounds like a bit of drama about nothing, it would be different if MIL was asked and she was refused, but i think its a non issue really.

What has her son said about it ???

@MumDadBingoBIuey Your in laws were treated abominably.
They were like unpaid staff while the others were graced with the PFB, as if your in laws were second class relatives -

Very mean.

I'd be getting my DH to have a word with his brother. I have no patience with this "new mums are closer to their own mum's" bollocks of course they are but that doesn't give them any right to exclude the dad's family. You're ils sound lovely and so do you.

I think that sounds really horrible.

People are so weird about family nowadays. I always hear new mums on these boards going on about how they don't want visitors and no one can touch their baby...so unbelievably precious.

Yeah, but the SIL's mother didn't empty the dishwasher, fold the baby clothes, wipe down the kitchen, make lunch and coffee for everyone and repair the garden fence.

C'mon, anyone with half a brain would know grandma wanted a cuddle. Especially after all that slave labour.

They would be there is to support your SIL rather than just visit the baby.

You’d think. Whereas they sat on their arses holding the baby while mil did a shedload of housework.

Yep!

I see it on here all the time and think WTF. My cousin did it for 6 weeks! Still wanted us to bring her meals. She was nurturing her new family - whatever!

I have a DS and so alas was too busy nurturing my own family 😂

Your MIL sounds absolutely lovely.

I think making an except for the female relatives of the person who has given birth is fine tbh - she’s bound to be more comfortable with them, and it’s about the mother not the father at this stage. The father’s role is to support the mother, who has given birth, not to be supported by his own family. But the mother may well need and want her female relatives there too.

She should definitely have been allowed baby cuddles if she’d asked. A bit crap of BIL and FIL to sit watching rugby while MIL does the dishwasher- why on earth didn’t they offer to help? That’s the worst bit in all of this!

Maybe they’d been doing all this the other days though?

Its FIL and BIL sat on their arses that baffles me!

In fairness, they spent a fair amount of time outside sorting the fence out.

(At least, FIL sorted the fence out. BIL sort of hovered and handed him tools according to MIL).

I’m with you, OP. The baby is as much your PIL’s family as it is your SIL’s mum’s family and your MIL sounds absolutely lovely.

DH will definitely be having a word. He’s really pissed off. He and BIL are so different, apart from the physical resemblance it would be hard to imagine they’re related at all.

You’d think. Whereas they sat on their arses holding the baby while mil did a shedload of housework

But that's why they were probably invited around before the MIL, as a support network to their daughter and sister. Not just for a cuddle of the baby. So they had probably done lots of jobs previously through the week.

The MIL sounds lovely by offering her help, and asked to load the dishwasher. Then going over and above what was suggested and taking it on herself to do more jobs is lovely.

I do think it's silly things like this that start rifts, she just given birth, let it go and ask for a cuddle next time.

I wouldn’t say PIL should start a lift but they should definitely down tools on the free grunt work.

Yanbu OP. Some people have the emotional intelligence of a stick! How could it not possibly have occurred to any of the gormless idiots? I'm actually seething here.

Now I'm going back to read the posts from the MIL-haters on here, just to rile me up a bit more.