To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Well, she didn't feel so uncomfortable that she couldn't put them to work, so...

That’s so sad. Your MIL sounds wonderful, I wish my MIL was that interested in our children. She must have been pining for a cuddle of her new grandchild. Her son should have taken the baby and let his mum have a hold.

Hope the situation improves

I agree and did say that was cheeky.

I think the mums sister n her own mum could've had the decency to have said something along the lines of..'here barbara(or whatever name) come and get a cuddle of stanley/eloise...then i can make us all a lovely cuppa tea'...My mum would just say ' kettles on sue go and make us all a coffee then i can have my turn with our beautiful babba' or things along that line...Some people are just spiteful and like to gloat but at the end of the day its just not worth falling out over as im sure there'll be many other opportunities for a long cuddle and a lullaby.

I feel exactly the same about my in-laws and the SIL’s behaviour here just doesn’t fit. If you were a bit uncomfortable and on edge around your in-laws and had a rather stiff and formal relationship with them, you just wouldn’t sit around happily chatting with your own family while your in-laws made you lunch and did chores for you. If anything it sounds like the SIL is so familiar with her in-laws that she thinks nothing of totally ignoring them.

They seem a bit thick to me, I'm afraid. ☹️

what a wonderful mil the other one not so much because she could have done a few little things and handed baby over. When my grandaughters were born and home from hospital i did little bits for my daughter if i got a cuddle it was a bonus. My daughter didnt wait on me me hand and foot. I didnt expect her too i knew my way round her kitchen.

Sounds like they're not being very thoughtful and might just need to ask to hold the baby. Probably not being done on purpose. Be careful though if the SIL is trying to drive a wedge, jumping to conclusions and getting into an argument over something vague like that can spiral and she can then play victim. Don't want to project my personal experiences onto your family situation but just tread lightly and if she has a problem you'll know if they just ask nicely and she says no

@milkywinterdisorder sorry I can't quote a quoted post.

I did wonder if keeping the in-laws busy might be her way of managing the visit? I don't know it does seem fucking rude to let them run around after them but just trying to see another side to it because we can't ever know the actual reasons. I guess I'm more reluctant just to jump to they're arseholes.

I was a kid in the 80's and I remember visiting my mum's friends, who'd just had babies and we were welcome and I was allowed to hold the newborns. I had my babies in the late 90s/early 00s and everyone had a hold - the kids I'd taught at school, my colleagues, most definitely my in-laws. It was normal and nice that so many people shared the joy and excitement of a new baby.

Some mothers now are so far up their own arses, acting as if their babies are nothing to do with the grandparents, despite sharing their dna! They are danger of denying their children meaningful relationships with the only other people who are likely to love them as much as the parents do. This is something parents should actively want, since that can only be to the benefit of the children!

Or maybe mothers these days dont allow themselves to get bullied by MILs and others who expect to hold a baby just because 'everyone does it'. In the past people also had slaves, hope you dont think it would be ok to have some now just because it eas normal at some point.

Bullied by MIL for a quick baby cuddle. The world has truly gone mad.

@Wouldyouguess give over, you daft bugger - it's not bullying for a granny to expect a cuddle with her new grandchild. Nor is it akin to slavery - you've over egged that a bit!

I find it so utterly baffling that some people don't realise that most people want to give babies cuddles

I also find it baffling - maybe my totally normal upbringing has spoiled me for this - that some people seemingly don't realise that most people have a loving and mutually respectful relationship with their families. Like, how in the world is it considered more normal by some for a mother to not allow anyone but her or the baby's father to cuddle the baby before a certain age? How is it considered more normal to be so neurotic about your new baby that you don't want to show them off and just enjoy the cooing and the outpouring of love from relatives who come to see the new addition to the family?

You are so right and to be honest i truly think working class families are just so normal and loving and all muck in.It's not all punch ups,ciggies blowing all over the shop, and boozing,no not at all.Generally it's just an exciting time of happiness to meet hold and greet the newest member of the clan lol,and ive never felt or seen anyone left out when it comes to holding chubby chops,the babby,daddys double,buggerlugs etc...Even at my age in my 60's and 4 kids,11 grandchildren,1 greatgrandchild not one of the new mums had rules to keep away or not to hold the baby,i think its a bit odd to be that way,but each to their own.Its such a joyous and proud time..a celebration of that new life going forward plus we all want to see who he/she looks like most..lol.

Oh good God..i meant to type that its NOT all punch ups ciggies and boozing..I think it's my age plus i'm in a power surge and melting...at my age tut tut.

Sounds like BIL and SIL are completely thoughtless. How cruel.

That seems really unfair

Yes a mum is usually closer to her family /mum

But her/your mil sounds lovely

When mil went over to meet for the first time - the other grandparents/family shouldn't have been there

Would have been nice for your mil to have that special time to meet and cuddle her new grandchild

If they wanted to hold the baby they should have asked. Some people are keener to hold babies than others and when I had a child I was surprised by how many people wanted to hold him as I'd never been bothered about holding babies before although would do if asked and had done a lot if babysitting.
MIL asking " can I give her a cuddle please" would have solved all this. Sitting there feeling resentful is silly.

The poor woman

Or rather, parents-in-law.

I’m not at all fussed about holding babies (I’ve never even held my niece or nephew) but even I knew my babies’ grandparents would want to hold their grandchild. I suspect the odds of it not crossing OP’s SIL’s mind that her in-laws might want to hold their grandchild are very, very low - and if it didn’t, you’d think it might have occurred to her DH, her mum or her sister.

To everyone saying “she should have just asked for a cuddle”: surely the MIL’s thought process here was that it was so obvious she’d want to hold her grandchild that if it wasn’t offered, DIL clearly didn’t want to hand her grandchild over? I suspect the MIL (who was trying very hard not to overstep) would have felt worse about this situation if she’d got her cuddle but it was done grudgingly and she felt she’d upset her DIL.

(I guess it’s a similar reason to why lots of us don’t like to ask people to move their bag on a bus: they obviously don’t want someone to sit next to them so it makes us feel awkward about putting them out.)

Having to ask do you mind if I have a hold of your newborn grandchild is fucking pathetic. Baby should have been put in her arms !

I never plonked my child in anyone's arms. Bizarre people treat babies like unwanted parcels. When my son was a baby if relatives asked to hold him then they usually could, but I never assumed anyone wanted to hold him unless they asked and early on I was too knackered to pick up non verbal cues. He was a very possetty baby so not everyone wanted vomit speckled clothes. If you got him you got a muslin cloth.