To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Awful to not have even been offered a cuddle . Such cold treatment. Poor PIL .

Wait until it’s your grandchild and see how you feel. That little bundle is a much anticipated and loved new family member. New baby cuddles are one of life’s great pleasures. It was incredibly thoughtless not to offer.

I have an inkling why she didn’t want them round when she was even more postpartum - what with them picking over her every move with the favoured DiL. Waiting for the more woman to guess what they want. Then sitting around saying ‘we’re so lovely, why can’t she be as lovely as us, we’re so sad about it’.

🙄
So, what exactly should MIL have done then?
She did lovely, lovely things for the DIL, respected their “space” etc, turned up and did nothing but help.
And wasn’t even offered a cuddle. Obviously didn’t want to ask for one, as she’d already been told to stay away for 14 long days and was prob feeling a bit (very) hurt by this and didn’t want to overstep.
If they hadn’t come, they’d have been criticised. Poor woman honestly couldn’t do right.
Heartless.

I’m sure the new mum would swap the performative acts of kindness for straightforwardness and not being slagged off behind her back. Not everyone can automatically guess this social etiquette - people need to voice their needs

So MIL shouldn't confide her feelings to people in her own family either? She has to obey all the rules and then not mention it when it all gets very hurtfully thrown back in her face?

There really is no limit to the selflessness people require of in laws.

Heart-breaking but happening more and more it seems. Is there some influence on the Internet which persuades new mums that something bad is going to happen if they let the grandparents get too close to the baby?!
All those people asking if MIL had asked to hold the baby - that shows a new level of emotional immaturity in society. One, MIL should not need to have to ask. Two, what if she'd asked and got her head bitten off?!

“Performative acts of kindness” 🤣
You mean knitting beautiful baby clothes, batch cooking freezer food, baking a cake and travelling to visit, then cooking, cleaning and making teas / coffees for everyone whilst there?
What’s the difference between that - and say, actual kindness??
And what about the “Performative act of actual cruelty”, in keeping (what seems like) a loving and doting Grandmother from visiting and then cuddling her newborn Granddaughter?? That’s Ok is it??

Honest to God, sometimes I feel like I must live in a parallel universe. Who on earth doesn’t think that one of the main reasons why grandparents come to visit a new grandchild is to, you know, meet their new grandchild?

Lets wait two years when BIL and SIL get all arsey about grandparents not wanting to help out with childcare or babysitting and see if they can put two and two together then…

It wouldn’t be performative if she hadn’t gone away and ganged up on the new Mum with the other DiL after.

Have you actually Read The Thread?

Yep I have read the whole thread - and still can’t for the life of me see how manipulating their son into having a go at the new parents is healthier than saying ‘ooh please can I have a cuddle?’

Yep @NoWayRose hasn't RTFT 😂

There is an unhealthy obsession in some people to hold babies belonging to other people. Mil had and held her own babies. That was her right. It's totally up to parents to decide who holds and cuddles a baby. Your personal anticipations are yours but not the problem of the baby'sparent, but that does not give you right to expect everything you want needs to happen.

It’s Mil’s grandchild. A quarter of its genes came from her. Of course she wants to hold it, nothing could be more natural. Unhealthy obsession my arse.

So depressing. I hope that all of you defending the (IMHO indefensible) SIL, her sister and her DM, end up having sons who marry and have children with women just like them. And then see how you like it. Bending over backwards to do everything right, keeping your distance, nervously not overstepping, not calling too much / too infrequently etc etc. Then, when you are finally allowed to meet your DGC, the indignity of not being asked if you’d like a little cuddle. Of course she felt she couldn’t ask - because she’d already been asked to stay away - and was probably worried about being turned down. It is not normal to keep loving GPs away from their GC. It’s weird and indicates viewing DCs as some sort of possession. I’m not a Grandparent, but it only takes an ounce of empathy to see how heartbreaking this would be. You never get those moments back 😥

Riiight… but you do see that MiL bonded with her son from
the first pregnancy test? And loved him and kept him safe? She’s not some randomer off the street.

In my experience people rapidly lose interest once the baby is no longer the latest big event. Most people are just not that interested in other peoples’ children, whether toddlers or teens. MiL, however, will adore them as you do, and will continue to do so. Make an ally of this lovely woman.
Out first GC was born three weeks ago, I think my heart would have broken if I was treated so unkindly. Happily my lovely DS and DDiL couldn’t wait to introduce their darling
boy.

I think she must be!

It's a real pity. A son is a son until he finds a wife as the saying goes. It's a tricky dynamic. Yes it should be up to the son to include his parents at such an important time and yes he has been insensitive. But who is going to tell him? Certainly not his parents, that can only make matters worse. If your hubby does then he could risk his relationship with his brother too. Most people don't take it on the chin when they've been called out, especially by a sibling or parent. After all, "he's a grown up" he can do whatever he likes. So if he wants to be a thoughtless, self absorbed, ignorant human he can. Roll on 30 years' time when he sees it being done on him, because it will happen. It's called being a parent.
If I were you, I'd carry on doing what you do, and that's to be the best dil you can be. Don't get involved and lower yourself to their thoughtless, selfish ways. Xx

I feel so torn on this.

I do feel sad for the PIL that they didn't get a cuddle with the baby and totally understand why they didn't ask. It was shitty for the mum and sister not to offer but I wonder if she'd told them not to for some reason?

I don't ask when I meet new babies now and wait to be offered because whilst I love a baby cuddle, it is not my right to hold that baby and they aren't a toy to be passed around. I think there's more worry about respiratory illnesses and HPV too.

My instinct is there is more to this that the OP might not be aware of and agree that the DIL could be taking her cues from her husband on how to be around his parents.

I do think it's great that people have more boundaries around what happens when they have a new baby. Things have changed and I don't think that's a bad thing.

I remember visiting new babies in the family when I was a kid and there would be a stream of people in and out of the hospital and at home and that felt normal in a big family.

Now, I see family and friends heavily limiting the number of visitors, especially with second babies because they've likely learned from the first that it was exhausting and overwhelming to have loads of visitors.

I remember a good friend messaging me in tears because she'd given birth a few days before, was struggling with feeding, felt and looked like crap and she had family in her house cooing over her baby and she just wanted them all to fuck off.

Asking for two weeks to only have those you're closest to visit seems fine to me if that's what you feel you need.
For me that would be my best friends, for her it's her mum and sister.
I like my MIL and she's very kind and sweet but she's not the person I'd want with me in the early days.

Can't believe my original post has been deleted! I'll rephrase it and try to remember to think these things and not say them...

Are you the spiteful DIL with the equally selfish mother, NoWayRose ?

Goodness, that hit a nerve @TheDuck2018!

A son is a son until he finds a wife as the saying goes.

Perhaps only if he is already not close to his parents?