To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Wait till the parents are wanting childcare for a few hours when SIL's mother and sister suddenly become 'unavailable".This means the novelty has worn off.
From me, an experienced mother,grandmother ,and great grandmother.

@2Rebecca It’s not about “picking up on non-verbal cues” though, is it, it’s about being aware (as surely everyone is) of the fact that when grandparents first meet their grandchild they might well want to have some sort of contact with them - this isn’t some kind of niche etiquette thing, it’s just obvious. I don’t think for a moment that OP’s SIL was thinking “ooh, better not offer MIL a cuddle in case baby pukes”, but if that really was the only thing stopping her, she only had to do what you (and every other mum ever) did and offer a muslin along with the baby.

I feel really sorry for your PIL's. The fact that not one of them, new parents and her Mum and sister, thought to.offer a cuddle and take a photo is horrible. I really hope your DH does highlight this to his brother. I would also suggest to your MIL that next time she visits she asks for a cuddle. I have seen all types of twisted families and new Mum's even criticising their MIL for not asking for a cuddle as a sign they are not interested.

Feel so sorry for you pil. You could have a word with BIL It's always such a minefield now. When I had my children everyone came around with presents, held the baby helped or not and it was just normal. Now it's like you need a etiquette advisor in every normal family situation.

OP, please come back and tell us your PILs have now had lots of cuddles!!

Yes, this completely. Why is it always the husband's parents that are considered "in-laws" and the wife's parents are simply considered family? To the baby they really are all the grandparents. It is entirely and completely a case of two grandmothers competing for time with the baby and it is always the mother or parents of the father that is seen as second best and deliberately kept at arms length.

Because this is a site for women. Therefore the husbands parents are her in-laws? You can’t expect the same relationship with a DIL you have with a daughter.

The situation on this thread is batshit, like most of what is on mumsnet but that doesn’t usurp reality.

It was a bit insensitive however I don't think anyone, especially someone not living in the house/there regularly, is entitled to 'a cuddle'. It's normal for the daughter to be closer to her mother than MIL, albeit sad for MIL (and I say that as a parent of a male child). I hope MIL gets a chance to spend more time soon and her son enables that.

You can acknowledge that most women feel closer to their own mum than their MIL without thinking that your MIL should wait two weeks to make everyone lunch and do laundry while your own mum sits chatting and cuddling the baby for the umpteenth time though.

MIL volunteered to help, nobody forced her.

I wouldn’t have known that they wanted to hold my baby if they didn’t ask.

“MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready.”

I’d argue, too, that MIL felt like she had to offer more help on top of this as she “felt like a spare part”.

We’re all focusing on the MIL here but FIL was given a list of jobs to do as well.

'MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc'

It genuinely wouldn’t have crossed your mind, or that of any of the people who were also present, that your baby’s grandparents might want to hold them?

It genuinely wouldn’t.

I remember when one of my good friends met my dd for the first time, she said afterwards ‘maybe I can have a hold next time?’ - had not entered my head to offer, if she’d asked I would have been delighted to hand dd over.

I didn't read the whole thread but this has made me sad. I understand the DIL will be closer and much more comfortable with her own mother and I don't blame your sil but in fact your bil should have thought about this.

It's very thoughtless of them and sometimes when you respect too much of their boundaries, the other side can swim in the cheeky fuck territory with all being ok with the guest to do diy, serve, tidy, clean and fold laundry. I'm saying guest because they have been clearly treated as outsiders whilst her own family have been treated like insiders which is fine but I would never be ok with my in laws to serve, tidy and clean if they are outsiders. So which category are they in? Family or outsiders because it seems to change every time the situation only benefits them right?

Btw Im not saying never not respect someone's boundaries but when you are sometimes too respectful and the others side is unfair, cruel and thoughtless they will milk it to ensure it only benefits them.

Im very familiar with this situation with my own sil who has actively pushed my parents out of the picture who were again respectful and helpful and my idiot older brother facilitated this only coming out the woodwork every once in a while when they needed something but now my younger brother had a baby last year and me due in a few weeks, well my parents have been treated like family so has the in laws and now my older brother and sil are causing drama that we are getting attention.

That’s a friend though - and however close a friend might be, your baby isn’t their grandchild. I wouldn’t automatically hand a baby over to a friend either, any more than I’d expect to hold a friend’s baby.

You’ve presumably been in this situation - did you wait for your parents/in-laws to ask to hold your dd?

I honestly cannot remember. I expect I probably did wait for them to ask. It’s a long time since I had babies! I definitely invited them to visit asap.

I definitely didn’t expect them to do all the household chores and they didn’t offer either!!

If my MIL had just made lunch for everyone (because I asked her to) and she asked what else she could do to help (because FIL was busy doing a list of jobs he’d been asked to do and I was making her feel like a spare part), I’d tell her to go and relax.

But then I don’t think of my kids’ grandparents as free labour…

Really? You wouldn't know that the granny of a newborn maybe might like to hold it?

I posted earlier on, that I never just offered my baby either unless I actually needed someone to hold them for me. Even then though I would ask dh first.

I also don’t expect babies to be thrust into my arms either 😂

Didn’t ask mil to do any chores nor did she bring me foods or drinks.

And?

They don’t all want to. My in laws were scared they’d drop my babies as far as I remember. I’d just assume they’d say if they wanted to. I don’t ever remember my dad holding my babies either.

I remember my mum holding them when they were newborn. I honestly don’t remember whether she asked or I offered. I didn’t have the slightest notion that I was supposed to offer!

I never really got the whole "passing the baby around" thing or "going over for cuddles". I have never understood the fascination, it doesn't appeal to me at all.

I think your PIL's could have and probably should have just asked if they wanted to. They respected the 2 week rule and they honestly sound wonderful. If your BIL and wife have just had their first child though, they're probably still overwhelmed and emotional and aren't mind readers.

However, it was cheeky of them to have them over for the afternoon, give them a whole list of jobs and not offer. Especially as the mothers mum and sister were having some time to bond with the baby.

Unless we're missing something obvious OP, are your PIL's particularly ill at the moment or anything? I do think it was unfair on them, for sure.