'Tell me a joke'

[Woopzies]

Had a work meeting yesterday. Whole team present including boss.

Boss, in a funny mood, goes 'tell me a joke.' One by one, everyone told their joke. We got to me and I went totally blank, followed by histerics because I don't know any jokes.

I hadn't realised until then that I actually don't know any jokes. The logical side of me says that it really isn't a big deal but the other side of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not knowing any jokes. AIBU?!

Oh, Bob came out with some absolute classics. Two that spring to mind right now:

Yes, I'm still having regular sex at 74. I live at number 68 - it's no distance!

When I die, I hope that I just drift off peacefully in my sleep, like my father... and not like the passengers on his bus!

Every time I turn my laptop on it sings 'Hello from the other siiide..'.

It's a Dell.

I got the sack from my job at the calendar factory.
I took a few days off.

I really hate my boring job crushing used fizzy drinks cans for recycling.
It's soda pressing.

A man goes to the GP with a really uncomfortable infection in a sensitive area and the doctor prescribes a very big bottle of rather large tablets, saying "Just so you know, these aren't the kind that you swallow normally; they're suppositories."
The man looks puzzled and asks what that means and the doctor says "You have to put them... in your back passage."
The man nods and goes away, then comes back four weeks later for his follow-up appointment.
"All OK, now?" asks the GP. "Infection cleared up, I take it?"
"Not a bit of it," says the man, "Those tablets are absolutely useless. I did as you said - I put them in my back passage and they did nothing. So then I tried putting them in my kitchen, my bedroom, my living room, my conservatory, my loft... Complete waste of time; for all the good they did, I may as well have just shoved them up my arse!"

Donald Trump, The Archbishop of Canterbury and a boy scout are travelling together in a very small aeroplane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes rushing in from the cockpit in a huge panic, shouting at record speed:

"I'm so, so sorry to have to tell you this, but the engines have failed and there's no possible way to prevent this aircraft from crashing within 30 minutes. I'm afraid I have some dreadful news, though: we only have three parachutes. I feel so awful doing so, but it's my professional responsibility to get back safely and report all of the mechanical malfunctions and weaknesses in this model of plane, so that this will never happen again; so I have to take one of the parachutes. I wish you all very well; Goodbye."

The pilot puts on the parachute and jumps out to safety.

Donald Trump screams, "I am the greatest person in the world! I am a former President and almost certainly a future one as well! I am so extremely important and this world would be so much poorer without me, I'm off!"

Trump grabs one of the remaining pieces of kit, straps it to his back and jumps out, shouting "See ya, suckers!!!"

The Archbishop turns to the scout and says "Listen, son, I'm an old man and I have a very strong faith. You take the last parachute and you go back to your family and have a wonderful, long life. God bless you, child."

The boy looks in the corner of the plane and says, "That's very kind of you, Sir; but great news: we can both have a parachute and get to safety. Trump took my rucksack!"

My sister's going on holiday to the USA.
Which state?
Alaska.
Ah, don't worry - I'll ask her myself.

Where did you go on your holiday?
Bournemouth.
In Dorset?
I certainly would - it's the best seaside town there is!

Two women are comparing their travel and holiday schedules.

One of them says, "Well, we go on 6 cruises every single year - but then, my husband does work for Cunard."

The other answers angrily, "So does mine, you snooty cow - it's not his fault that he's only on minimum wage."

A few years ago, Hanna-Barbera decided to test the market for their cartoons in the United Arab Emirates - and they were amazed at just how much variation there was in different regions.

They showed The Flintstones throughout the country and they found that, whereas the people of Dubai really don't find it funny in the least, the folk in Abu Dhabi do.

Why did the French chef attempt suicide?
Because he lost his huile d’olive.

50% of people who buy tickets to see The Cure actually end up watching Placebo.

And they enjoy it just as much.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

My boyfriend has left me - he's accused me of being really childish and immature. Like I care what that big smelly poo-poo head thinks anyway.

I phoned the council and said "I want to have a skip on the street outside my house."
The clerk said "Go ahead, we're not stopping you - but make sure you wear sensible shoes and watch out for cats."

My mother always used to say, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.

My father used to keep telling me that his motto was 'Fight fire with fire'.
Just before he was sacked from his job as a fireman.

I'm not going to bother trying to give blood anymore - they just always ask you so many intrusive personal questions:
"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it from?"
"Why is it in a bucket?"

Q. What do you call a frog who is moderately sexually excited?
A. A semi-freddo!

Did you hear about the wine waiter sacked from a nudist club? He was walking around with a semillon.

If ever you want to acquire a mobile phone dishonestly, you're much safer stealing an iPhone than an Android.

If you get caught shoplifting from the Samsung store, you will be arrested and charged with theft - and you could face time in prison; but if you nick anything from the Apple store, you only get grounded for a week for scrumping.

Nicking huille d'olive! Thank you 😂

A man rushes into the doctor's surgery and exclaims,
"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me, I think I'm a Moth "
The doctor calmly replies, "You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist"

"I know, I know, .................. but I was passing and your light was on."

Hysterical