'Tell me a joke'

[Woopzies]

Had a work meeting yesterday. Whole team present including boss.

Boss, in a funny mood, goes 'tell me a joke.' One by one, everyone told their joke. We got to me and I went totally blank, followed by histerics because I don't know any jokes.

I hadn't realised until then that I actually don't know any jokes. The logical side of me says that it really isn't a big deal but the other side of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not knowing any jokes. AIBU?!

My first joke ever:

What hangs around the bottom of the sea and terrorizes all the other fish?

Jack the kipper

Circa 1972 probably. I think I read it in a Beano annual. It's an odd one for kids as I would have had no idea who or what Jack the Ripper was, but it did get a laugh.

Patient: Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a pancake.
Doctor: Oh how waffle.

Another one of DS's along with the "hangs out grandad's trousers". Another one had the punchline "shark infested custard" but I don't remember the actual joke itself.

Isn't it just something like 'What's yellow and dangerous?' ?!

Depeche Mode go out for dinner one night. The waiter comes to the table and asks what they would like on the cheeseboard. Dave wants Brie and Camembert but nobody else likes them so he has a separate board to himself. The waiter brings it to the table and says 'Sir, your own personal cheeses'.

How do you make a cat go woof?

Pour petrol over it and light a match

I'm very very ashamed

Cat lover here btw

A 70 year old man walking by a river finds a talking frog, gently picking it up the frog explains that it is in fact a beautiful princess turned into a frog by a wicked witch and a kiss will turn her back into a beautiful princess to spend the rest of her life with the man who saved her.
The man puts the frog in his pocket and says "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog".

I work in a factory manufacturing toy Draculas, but we have huge targets, even though there's only me and one other employee there.
I have to make every second count.

I work in a furniture factory and one of my colleagues turned up for the night shift straight from the pub, absolutely hammered, and he stumbled and fell into the automatic upholstering machine.
He's recovered now.

I work in a creosote factory and one of my colleagues accidentally fell into an enormous vat and drowned.
We were very sad to lose him, but we all went to his funeral and he had a lovely finish.

Overheard on a bus. Two 'cockney' men.

' Been on holiday then'

'Yes, Italy. Genoa'

'No, I don't. '

A white horse walks into a bar and the barmaid says "Well, what a coincidence - we have a whisky named after you!"

The horse replies, "What? You sell a whisky called Percy?!"

I don’t get the coffin & Benylin one 🙈

The coughin’ stops.

My dog barks with a distinctive Barcelona accent. He's a spaniel.

Two women are out on safari, when a prowling jaguar approaches them from nowhere. Quick as a flash, one of them grabs her trainers from her rucksack and frantically starts putting them on.
The other says "What's the point? You'll never be able to out-run a hungry jaguar."
She replies, "True - but I only have to outrun you!"

Genoa?

Never seen her before in my life

Jakarta

No she got the bus

Painting the ceiling earlier, needed help from my step ladder.

I don't get on with my real ladder.

The coffin one scared me a bit!

I went to see a band when I stayed in a small SE Asian country?
Singapore?
Yes, but the guitarist and drummer were amazing.

My grandparents had their wedding ceremony in their favourite seaside resort in Croatia.
Split?
Not at all, they've just celebrated their 60th anniversary.

I bought a kitchen appliance in Northamptonshire.
Towcester?
No, it was a fridge freezer.

An old man from Dudley ends up in a hospital in Switzerland and the other patients gently ask him "Did you come here to die?"

He replies, "No, I came here last Thursday."

I like the Towcester one.

I'm sure there must be a joke in Cogenhoe too.

Cogenhoe? Nah got a takeaway.

I tried!

What did the police find under Michael Jackson's pillow?
Billy's jeans

2 men walk into a bar.... the 3rd man ducked

What's a gynaecologist & pizza delivery man got in common?
They can both smell it but aren't allowed to eat it.

Had to Google the Towcester one in order to get it!

Doctor doctor
I can't decide if I'm a teepee or a yurt.
Relax, you're two tents.

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom..

@HappiestSleeping 🤣

This is my only joke I know but I can never get it out when I try to tell people because I laugh so much 😂