'Tell me a joke'

[Woopzies]

Had a work meeting yesterday. Whole team present including boss.

Boss, in a funny mood, goes 'tell me a joke.' One by one, everyone told their joke. We got to me and I went totally blank, followed by histerics because I don't know any jokes.

I hadn't realised until then that I actually don't know any jokes. The logical side of me says that it really isn't a big deal but the other side of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not knowing any jokes. AIBU?!

Q. What’s worse than a girl guide in your pocket?
A. A brownie in your pants 😂

Brilliant - these are the sort of jokes (with one or two obvious exceptions) which you'd find in a Christmas cracker.

OP - I'd be with you and totally blank out. 🌹

My wife went to Indonesia
Jakarta?
No, she went of her own accord.

What did the policeman say to the belly button?

You're under a vest

What did Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both liked blowing bubbles 😳

You any go wrong with remembering any of Tommy Cooper's jokes -

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”
Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.
I sleep like a baby. Every morning I wake up screaming around 2 o’clock.
They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?
My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve already lost three days.
Last week, I went to a seafood disco. And pulled a muscle.
I went to the corner store. And bought 4 corners.
I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Last night I dreamed I had eaten a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Yesterday, someone even complimented my driving. They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
An answering machine message says, “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience!
Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory?
Debris (de Brie) everywhere.

This is my absolute favourite joke of all time and still makes me giggle!!

Q- What’s E.T. short for?

A- Because he’s got little legs!!

And now I’m giggling!

My 4yo son has been learning Spanish for three months, but he still can't say "Please" in the language.
I think that's poor for four.

Two men in council-branded hi-viz jackets are walking around the perimeter of the very large local park, carrying spades. Every three feet, they stop and one of them digs a hole, then the other one immediately fills it in again.
A woman who has been sitting on a bench for three hours, watching them doing this, stops them and asks what on earth they're doing.
"Just our jobs, Ma'am - it's not our fault that our colleague Jim, who plants the trees, is off sick today."

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally handed her a Pritt Stick instead. Now she isn't talking to me.

A gangster gives his girlfriend a mink stole for her birthday.
"Wow!" she says, "Is it really mink?"
"Not a clue," he replies, "But it's definitely stole."

My husband said "Hey, why don't we make things really exciting tonight and swap positions?!"
I said "Deal! You can do the ironing, washing up and tomorrow's packed lunches and I'll sit on the sofa scratching my groin, drinking beer and farting!"

A little girl goes into a pet shop and says to the assistant "I would like thicth of your mithe, pleathe."
The man stoops down and asks her nicely "Would you like six brown mice, six white mice, three of each or a random mixture?"
She smiles up sweetly at him and replies "Whatever; I don't think my python givth a thyit!"

The same man goes into a bookshop and says "'Ast tha got the new book o' stories abaht that Belgian detective boy wiv the white dog, whatever 'is name is?"
The assistant says "Tintin?"
The man replies "Ah, never thee mind - I'll try agen next week."

Some more pirate ones...

What's a pirate's favourite band?
Arrrr-Harrrrr!

Favourite film?
Arrrrrrmageddon

A much longer joke that springs to mind is the coffin one. You can really embelish this one but it goes thus:

One night, a man walks home alone from the pub. He's had a few pints so a little sozzled but merry. The street is deserted. He hears a weird noise but doesn't bother looking. But the noise gets louder, so he turns around.

To his horror, he sees a coffin, upright and scraping along the road towards him. Now, he thinks maybe he's had one too many so rubs his eyes, thinking he's imagining things. But when he opens them again, the coffin is still there. Scrape....scrape.....

He walks quicker now, still thinking this is all a bad effect of the booze but as he quickens, so does the coffin. Scrape, scrape, scrape.

The man breaks out into a run now, his house nearby. He bursts through the door, locks it behind him. Safe at last he catches his breath.

CRASH. The coffin has burst through the front door. The man legs it upstairs, to the bathroom which has a lock.

Bang, bang, bang. The coffin is going upstairs also and crashes through the bathroom door with ease. It slows now, opening and closing its rotting lid as it approaches the terrified man.

The man grabs a bar of soap and throws it at the coffin to no avail. He grabs a towel and throws it again. Nothing.

Just as the coffin is upon him, in the last second, the man grabs a bottle of benylin and throws it at the coffin.

The coffin stops.

Q. How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
A. Pokemon

A couple of holidaymakers are driving along a remote Devon country lane and are completely lost.
They come to a fork in the road, with a farm opposite, but there are no signposts to be seen and no signal for the satnav. The farmer is standing at the edge of the field, leaning on the gate, and they call over to him "Excuse us, but does it matter which way we go from here to Newton Abbot?"
The farmer replies, "Not to me, it don't!"

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath 😂

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house
Knock knock
Who's there?
The chicken 😂

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

A woman has recently bought a pet parrot, but is at the end of her tether, as it just keeps constantly swearing at her. She tries everything she can think of, but still the torrent of profane abuse comes streaming from the bird.

In desperation, she grabs its legs and shoves it into her chest freezer and slams the lid shut, intending to leave it there for a few seconds, just to give it a quick shock.

Immediately, her phone rings and she ends up on a very important call that lasts an hour. She ends the call and then, panicking, remembers the parrot and fears the worst about how angry and filthy-mouthed it's going to be now.
She dashes to the freezer, opens it and a shivering bird slowly flies out.

To her immense surprise, the parrot says "My good mistress, may I take this opportunity to apologise wholeheartedly for my previous appalling language. I am very sorry indeed and I promise sincerely never to speak disrespectfully to you ever again."

"Wow!" she exclaims. "I truly cannot believe it; you're a completely changed character and what a pleasure to have you as a pet now!"

The parrot replies, "Yes, 100% - guaranteed. And, if I may, could I be so bold as to ask whatEVER did the Turkey do?!"

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your grandad's pants?
Your grandma.

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

What's green and brown and has six legs but can't climb trees?
A snooker table.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

• tequila!

We went to the zoo today but it only had one animal...

What was it?

It was a Shih Tzu

That was my son's favourite joke when he was around 9/10 - probably because it had a 'naughty' word in it that he was allowed to say out loud - and I have heard it about 5 billion times now.

I'm with you OP, I generally can't remember jokes, I just don't retain them even though I do enjoy a good one.

It did make me smile seeing the very old 'nun soap' joke being explained on here

Three boys are out for a walk. They're called Shit, Piss Off, and Manners.

Shit gets hit by a car so Piss Off runs into a police station to get some help.

• Help my friend's been run over
• Ok, what's your name?
• Piss Off
• What did you say?
• I said, Piss Off
• Excuse me, where are your manners?
• Outside, picking up Shit

What do you find on the ground that is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Another one of DS's along with the "hangs out grandad's trousers". Another one had the punchline "shark infested custard" but I don't remember the actual joke itself.

A young man is at the beach, strutting around like a peacock in the hope of attracting some female attention, but he's completely ignored.

He asks his older mate if he has any ideas and he tells him to pop to the nearby Spar, buy the biggest baking potato they have and then stick it into his trunks.

He does this and sees lots of women coming over and looking at him, but they all start screaming loudly and run away - not what he'd been hoping for at all.

His mate spots him and calls over "Hey, Jack - put the potato down the FRONT of your trunks!"

I am not in the mood for telling jokes. I lost a dear friend today. It was acid reflux. I'm so sad that Gav is gone.

I mistook a killer whale for a shark the other day. Well, that was orca-ward.

😂