'Tell me a joke'

[Woopzies]

Had a work meeting yesterday. Whole team present including boss.

Boss, in a funny mood, goes 'tell me a joke.' One by one, everyone told their joke. We got to me and I went totally blank, followed by histerics because I don't know any jokes.

I hadn't realised until then that I actually don't know any jokes. The logical side of me says that it really isn't a big deal but the other side of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not knowing any jokes. AIBU?!

Yeah, don't tell this 'joke' OP. It's about as funny as cancer.

What do you call a donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs? A winky wonky

I took my wife on a Caribbean holiday.

Jamaica?

No, she was quite willing!

Where do sheep go for a haircut?
The baaaaaaber shop

A particular favorite of my 7yo

2 a.m. and the police stop a gentleman as he's tottering up the road.
'Sir, are you alright?'
'Yes thank you....hic...I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol being the demon drink...hic...'
'At 2 a.m.?! Who on earth is doing a lecture at 2am?'
'That would be my wife...hic...'

And two I remember from when I was a kid. What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. And, what did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You're too young to smoke.
😁😁😁

80 year old man walks into confession.

Says 'bless me father for I have sinned. I've been happily married for 60 years but last night I slept with two 21 year old Swedish virgins.

The priest says 'oh my son, that's terrible. When was the last time you came to confession?'

The man replies 'This is my first time. I'm Jewish'

'You're Jewish' says the priest. 'Well, why are you telling me this?'

'Are you kidding' says the man, 'I'm telling everyone'.

I can never remember jokes on the spot! I do like a good joke though :)

My daughter has discovered we can ask Google to tell us jokes in the car so I'd probably end up telling one of those

What do you call the tallest Mum in the playground?
The Maxi-Mum

(As a 4'8 mum I guess I'd be the Mini-Mum!)

“A large hole has appeared in the middle of Oxford Street. Police are looking into it”

What's the difference between an oven and a vagina?

An oven doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

A man goes to the zoo asking for a job. The manager tells him they are short on gorillas and would he be prepared to put on a costume and pretend to be a gorilla.

The man hesitantly agrees. He puts on the costume and goes into the enclosure.

At first he’s a bit wary and nervous but eventually starts to build up his confidence. By the end of the week he’s swinging from the trees!

He starts to show off and swings a bit too high, ending up in the next enclosure which is the lions den.

He begins shouting to the visitors, “Get me out! I’m not a real gorilla, I’m only pretending, please help me!”

The lion is getting closer and closer and the man is really shouting. The lion is right next to him when he suddenly hears the lion say,
“Shut up will ya, you’re going to get us both sacked!!”

Oh FFS.

A lady is sitting with her beautiful cat. The cat suddenly speaks, and says 'I'm magic, and I can grant your wish'. The old lady says 'I wish you would become a handsome prince'. There is a flash of lightning, and then behold! Before the lady stands the most gorgeous male specimen you ever did see: six foot two, raven hair, perfect skin, hazel green eyes, cheekbones you could sharpen a knife on, and amazing muscles. 'Oh wow' says the lady, reaching out trembling, lustful hands towards the prince. The prince winks, then utters the dreadful words 'Bet you wish now you hadn't taken me to the vet for that little operation......'

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag's a big plus.

What's white and swings through the jungle ?

Tarzan the fridge.

(Which opens the door to a slew of fridge based jokes I can no longer remember).

What did the drummer name his twin girls?

Anna 1, Anna 2

I'm reading a book on anti gravity - it's great, I can't put it down

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high - she looked surprised.

I swapped my wife’s lipstick for superglue, now she giving me the silent treatment.

I took the shell off my snail. Thought it would make him go faster. If anything it’s made him a little sluggish.

My pet mouse Elvis died last night.
He was caught in a trap.

I ordered some German food last week. The sauerkraut has arrived but I’m afraid the wurst is yet to come.

Employee to the boss, ‘I need a raise’
’you’ve got to be joking’
’well you did ask me to’!

Well, that's cheered me up for certain. Thanks to all who shared a joke!

I think I might use the thread to revise all night for the next meeting... 🤓

Why did the bald man stick his head out the window.
To get some fresh hair.

What is the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, the other will make your whole week! 😂

Bill and Ben were chilling off set

Bill says to Ben "flobadoblobaflobflob"
Ben replies "you know, if you REALLY loved me, you'd swallow"

I have some racing geese for sale, if anyone wants a quick gander.

I've just had my autobiography published, but the printers had run out of standard paper, so they sent me a copy to check and approve that they'd printed on fly paper.

That's my story - and I'm sticking to it.

Ah, I'm bad at jokes.

The other day my friend asked me to tell her ten puns to make her laugh.

No pun in ten did.