'Tell me a joke'

[Woopzies]

Had a work meeting yesterday. Whole team present including boss.

Boss, in a funny mood, goes 'tell me a joke.' One by one, everyone told their joke. We got to me and I went totally blank, followed by histerics because I don't know any jokes.

I hadn't realised until then that I actually don't know any jokes. The logical side of me says that it really isn't a big deal but the other side of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not knowing any jokes. AIBU?!

The Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It got a little tense.

What kind of cheese would you use to camoflage a small horse?

Marscapone.

Michael J. Fox once told me that plants grow better if they’re exposed to classical music. So now I’m playing Bach to the Fuchsia.

Read this one when I was about 9 years old, got it when I was about 17!

Q: What's white and slithers across the floor?
A: Come dancing

Genuinely guffawed at the sheep/pig joke

What's the difference between a dirty, grim city-centre public transport hub and a lobster who's had a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

An elderly lady calls the police in shock and demands they send somebody over immediately.
She complains that the hunky, athletic young man in the apartment across the road from hers walks around naked all the time and never closes his curtains.
The police officer has a very good look from all angles and says "But, Madam - his windows are quite high up, so it's impossible for you to see him anywhere below his waist."
"THE WARDROBE, OFFICER; JUMP UP AND STAND ON TOP OF THE WARDROBE!!"

Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says
"You man the guns. I'll drive"

You couldn't be more right

My mum told me that one when I was a similar age. I don’t know how many times I must have repeated it without understanding it lol

A man gate-crashes a party with some friends of friends and gets extremely drunk, before eventually staggering home.

The next day, he realises that his wallet is nowhere to be found, so he figures that he must have dropped it at the party.

He goes back to the house and rings the bell, and a woman answers.
He says, "Hi, I was at the party last night and I think I must have dropped my wallet here. Could I please come in and have a look for it?"
She says, "Impossible; we've never met you before."
The man persists, "Well, I wasn't technically invited, but I'm married to Dave's sister's friend's neighbour, so I came with them."
The woman insists, "Look, we don't know you at all. You're lying - you heard the party last night and now you're trying to invent an excuse to get into our house to see what you can steal from us. Go away!"
The man replies, "I promise I'm not lying. Here, let me prove to you that I was definitely in your house and at the party by telling you something very distinctive that I'd otherwise have no way whatsoever of knowing. You have an extremely unusual, highly ornate golden toilet in the corner of your bedroom - not in a separate en-suite, but right there just next to the bed."
The woman sighs and shouts up the stairs, "Andy, I think we've finally solved the mystery of who crapped in your tuba!"

Wife: ‘I love you. You’re so wonderful. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.’
Husband: ‘Is that you talking or the wine talking?’
Wife: ‘It’s me, talking to the wine.’

What’s red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

What's the difference between 100 toddlers and a Boeing 747?

The plane stops whining once it touches down in Malaga.

‘I’ve won the lottery. Pack your bags.’
’Woohoo. Should I pack for cold or hot weather?’
’I don’t care. Just get out.’

did ya hear bout the magic tractor?
it turned into a field

The pig/sheep joke above reminded me of another silly one:

A man goes into a pub with a pig under his arm and the landlord asks in surprise, "Where on earth did you get that from?!"

The pig replies, "I won it in a raffle!"

Did he tell a joke? It's not your job to entertain him. Google is his friend here.

A blind man goes into a shop and starts swinging his guide dog around. He was just looking......

Why don't you see buffalo hiding in trees in Scotland?

They are really good at it.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!

The only joke I can ever remember because my kids love it.

Two cats are having a swimming race.

One is called “One two three”, the other “Un deux trois”. Which cat won?

“One two three” because “Un deux trois cat sank”.

Where does a monkey hide his nuts? In a cherry tree.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle? An elephant picking cherries.

Why can't you send a telegram to Washington?

Because he's dead!

What do you called a pig with 4 eyes?

A piiiig.

What's the problem with one-armed waiters?
They can take it, but they can't dish it out.

What do you call a French man in sandals? Phillipe Phillope

What do you call a nun on a bike? Virgin mobile