'Tell me a joke'

[Woopzies]

Had a work meeting yesterday. Whole team present including boss.

Boss, in a funny mood, goes 'tell me a joke.' One by one, everyone told their joke. We got to me and I went totally blank, followed by histerics because I don't know any jokes.

I hadn't realised until then that I actually don't know any jokes. The logical side of me says that it really isn't a big deal but the other side of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not knowing any jokes. AIBU?!

I've only just discovered, to my immense shock and surprise, that my father was sacked for stealing from the roadworks company he worked at when I was little.
Now, when I look back on my early life at home, I realise that all the signs were there.

When I was 5 years old, my dad woke me up very early every Saturday morning and told me "Now is your time to shine!" And, true to his word, I spent the next 12 hours doing my shift in the family shoe cleaning business.

The very first time I met my now-husband at a party, I solemnly vowed "I will make you mine!" Forty years later, he's still working seven days a week down the pit.

You know what they say about men with big feet? It makes sense when you know who started the rumour - clowns.

A 20yo man decided that his life was far too stressful, so he decided to become a monk. He was told that, as part of his commitment to the monastery, he would have to take a vow of silence, being only allowed to say two words every ten years.

He turned 30 and went to the abbot and said "Bed uncomfortable." The abbot nodded and sent him on his way.

He turned 40 and went to the abbot and said "Room cramped." The abbot nodded and sent him on his way.

He turned 50 and went to the abbot and said "Food disgusting." The abbot nodded and sent him on his way.

He turned 60 and went to the abbot and said "Decor boring." The abbot nodded and sent him on his way.

He turned 70 and went to the abbot and said "Garden overgrown." The abbot nodded and sent him on his way.

He turned 80 and went to the abbot, carrying his suitcase, and said "I'm leaving." The abbot jumped for joy and exclaimed "Wonderful news! I shall be so glad to see the back of you as you've done nothing but complain ever since you arrived here!"

Most people don't realise that Charles Dickens' writing was originally serialised in two regional newspapers, long before it was published in standard book form.

It was the Bicester Times; it was the Worcester Times.

@AccidentallyFabulous 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What did the electrician's wife shout when he arrived home from the pub at 2am?
"Wire you insulate?!"

I was concerned about my weight so I went to the GP for some advice.
He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I replied, "That's very wise - I'll cut right down on sausages, pies, butter and things like that."
He said, "No, you weren't listening properly. I said 'Don't eat anything, Fatty!'"

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

[child-friendly answer]
Because 7 8 9!

[proper answer]
Because 7 was a registered 6-offender!

I didn’t realise Albert Einstein was a real person, I thought he was a theoretical physicist!

What’s the difference between light and hard?
you can sleep with the light on.

Why did the Frenchman only order one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is 'un oeuf'

Barmaid: "We had that famous Spanish actor from The Little Mermaid in here last night - he started a brawl for no reason and the whole pub was in uproar."

Customer: "Javier Bardem?"

Barmaid: "No, not yet, but he's on his very last warning!"

I asked my friend that. She thought for a moment and replied "Bamb" a deer with no I's

I had my neighbour banging on my door at 2 am this morning.
Good job I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My neighbour is always banging. Doesn't matter what time of day. It's so loud, I can hardly hear my drum kit.

What’s E.T. Short for ? Because he’s only got little legs !!
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers
😂😂

@Mothership4two
What's yellow, black and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

Feel like I read that in a joke book when I was about 10!

A man rushes into the doctor's surgery and says
" Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me, I think I'm a moth"
To which the doctor replies
" You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist"
"I know, I know, but I was just passing and your light was on"

A man goes to the doctor on account of his horrendous foul personal wind problem.

To his horror, without saying a word, the doctor goes to the corner of the clinic, grabs a big thick 12-foot pole and then walks back in the man's direction with it.

The poor terrified man screams "Wh, whaaaat are you going to do?!?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open the window, of course!"

A rough young lad and his girlfriend are walking through the town and she stops at a shop with designer handbags in the window and points at one that she'd really like.

He tells her to go on ahead and he'll catch her up. Five minutes later, he runs up to her and gives her the handbag, to her amazement and delight.

Soon, they pass a shop with posh perfumes in the window and she again tells him she'd love to have the one in the back corner.

Again, he tells her to go on ahead. Soon after, he runs up to her and hands her the perfume that she wanted, and she is thrilled and gives him a big kiss and hug.

A little while later, they come to a jeweller's. She stops for a look and falls in love with a stunning, very expensive pair of diamond earrings.

She says, "Those ones there are absolutely gorgeous. You know, I would be soooo over the moon to have them."

He replies, "Hey, steady on, babe; I'm not made of bricks, you know!"

This was my DGM's favourite joke:

It was a little girl's birthday and she was so thrilled to open all of her lovely presents, but her favourite two gifts by a long way were a bottle of perfume in a delicate, pretty bottle with an exquisite scent and a loud, cheerful-sounding bell for her bicycle.

She couldn't wait to use them and ran around excitedly telling everybody she met, "If you hear a little noise and you smell a little smell, you'll know that it's me!"

Three self-styled Insta influencers arrive at an exclusive hotel, and get in the lift on their way to a big glossy celeb function on the 40th floor. Just before the door closes, a drunken old tramp staggers in and joins them, to their disgust; but they do their best to just ignore him.

The first reaches into her handbag and fetches out a bottle of perfume. As she sprays some on her neck, she tells the others, "Passion, by Katy Perry - £100 for 200ml."

Straight after, desperate to impress, the second does the same, sprays her perfume and proudly tells the others, "Obsession, by Taylor Swift - £250 for 100ml."

Determined to out-do them both, the third fetches a tiny little bottle from her bag and sprays some on herself. She confidently declares, "Pure Elegance, by Beyonce - £500 for just 25ml."

As the lift is halfway to its destination floor, the tramp grunts and puts out the longest, rumbliest, most eye-wateringly foul, odious fart, leaving the others gasping for breath and almost in tears at the cloud of unbearable stench.

They finally arrive at the top floor and the tramp stands by the door, ready to hop out, and he turns around triumphantly and exclaims, "Brussels Sprouts, by Lidl - 58p a lb!"

My wife's gone to southern Spain to get her broken nose fixed.

Andalusia?

No, just her nose.

And my favourite Bob Monkhouse joke

Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Yes, that's a very subtle one!

Favourite older childhood joke:

Geoffrey, Bungle's going out!

Well, put some more petrol on him, Zippy!

From my 5 year old nephew
"My mate bought a paper shop......but it blew away "
😹😂