To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

Is he willing to go to court over this? That seems to be where this is heading. Presumably the point of contact is to see their dad, but also to see their siblings.

Are you sure that’s what she means? It must be very frustrating for everyone not to have set contact. If your husband had them full time he would need to arrange childcare accordingly. You don’t have to look after them, but it is your husband’s responsibility to make sure they are looked after.

Yes she mentioned me by name after the family comment.

I agree that you shouldn’t get involved. I also think that she’s right to ask for set days and his shifts aren’t her problem anymore - she is not his wife and shouldn’t have to shift her own life around to accommodate his work. He needs to have set days and use childcare if he’s working.

DH has always tried to be as accommodating as possible where he can I.e. if there is something she needs to plan or arrange for a certain week or day we'll make it work even if he ends up working during that time. But it's not feasible, without me doing a lot of the looking after, for us to have a set schedule every week.

We have DSC 3 (often 4 if DH isn't working) nights a week and always have done.

I don't know how childcare options really work when he often works nights.

I don't think it's your issue but I do think the ex has a right to request set pattern. If I ever divorced my DH that is what I would expect. My whole life has to fit around his shifts. School runs, weekends, wake up, bed times etc. I do sometimes feel resentful to it as I hadnt appreciate his much it would affect us until we had kids. However he can put in a flexible working request to have set shifts and it would be up to him to manage this and I would definitely expect my ex to sort out childcare on his days (however that looks). Why should the ex be doing everything to facilate his working pattern.

I think she has the right to want a set pattern, and it's better for the kids to have a set structure to their time with each parent. It's down to your partner to work it out

It's not just about your husband. With flexible patterns how can the ex sort regular childcare to allow her to continue working etc.
Unfortunately it is down to your husband to sort care for his contact if he can't do it.
You say it's her issue as she chose to have a child with someone with kids. She also chose to split from him.
You chose to get together with a shift worker who already has kids. If you want to be a real blended family then I think you should take on some responsibility. If it doesn't work for your family then you need to discuss with your husband his job.

It's not your issue and it's certainly not his ex's issue.

Your H needs to be a better parent and realise that some jobs just don't work around childcare responsibilities.

Women downgrade/change their careers and working hours ALL the time to fit in around school days and childcare responsibilities, he needs to do the same.

If his job is no longer compatible with raising the kids that he created, he needs to find a solution for that. If you're not going to be the solution and you're saying that childcare won't work either, then HE needs to make a change, so HE can look after his own kids in a stable way, that give both his children and his ex wife the solid structure of set days to work around.

I don't think it is on you to sort out, but I don't see how it is fair that her potential to work has to impacted by never knowing when the kids are going to be with you more than a few weeks in advance.

I wouldn't put up with working around an ex's shifts either. I also wouldn't want to taken on someone else's kids.
Perhaps he needs to find another job where he won't be working shifts, which will usually be easier said than done and will mean less money coming into your family.
I guess your options as a couple are either you take on his children, or don't get involved and have less money coming into the home. I wouldn't like either option, but hell would freeze over before I married a man with children.

Just to add it isn't on you... but it is on your DH. And you helping out sounds like the most viable option if you aren't willing to pay for overnight nannies or whatever!

Definitely this.

Maybe your DH needs to realise that shift work and nights isn't compatible with having two children 🤷‍♀️

Some background would help Op, how old are his DC, do you work, can your DH move to set shifts? If your DH would have to change jobs will his maintenance for the DC be able to stay the same or will stopping shifts make your income much lower? I can understand his EX is fed up of shifts, her life and yours are both controlled by his working hours

I think this is on your husband to sort out his working pattern to be honest, I don’t think different days/times is convenient at all. Must be a nightmare!

Agree that your DH needs to either ask his employer for set times, or find employment which is set. Hi ex is entitled to set times. You are entitled to not have to be involved in access arrangements for his dc.

Yes, does your H really only have work options that make it difficult for him to fulfil his parenting responsibilities? Or does he think his ex and DC should fit around him indefinitely?

Children prefer routine so perhaps your DH should prioritise his children and find a job that has regular hours?

He can go back to his shift work once they're older.

In all of this, are children who are shuffled around for the convenience of their father. It’s time to put them first - they need a regular arrangement and all the adults need to step up to ensure this happens.

They aren't married anymore. She doesn't need to fit her life around his shifts.

You do.

But you are entitled not to take on the caring role when they are at your house.

Sounds great that they have a shared care 50/50 arrangement.

But he's your DH and their father.

So you and DH need to sort out how you both are going to manage the arrangement with set days which a court would agree to if she goes there.

That may be through him financing childcare or chin changing his job.

But it's not his ExW responsibility. She has her own life which she's entitled to lead through knowing a set shared care arrangement.

It is reasonable for her and the children to have a set pattern. It isn't reasonable for it to fall to you. Your dh needs to speak to his employer, sort childcare and put his job behind his children's needs

Um, she decided to have children with a shift worker probably not considering what would happen when they separated 🤔 presumably they were happy then.

Ex has her own life to organise, it's not fair on her that days change all the time. Mind, I'm not saying you need to wade into any of this or take on any child care. Your partner needs to give the children stability by having set days, if he needs to move jobs to facilitate this then so be it.

I've been the flexible one too many times in this scenario, having the kids often on ex's time when he's on work trips or holidaying. The days are never made up and the favour is never returned. So no more. As of this year he has his set days and that's that. The kids are much more settled too.

There are some very stupid comments about shiftwork from people who presumably expect to get help if they call 999 or present to hospital outside of 9-5. Society depends on shift workers.

Unfortunately set contact is good both for children and so that their mother can work. Both parents have the dual parenting role of providing care and providing financial support for their children. Your husband needs to arrange childcare as all shift working parents (upon whom every hospital I’ve ever worked in depends) do. It’s up to you whether you want to contribute to that personally or accept that the cost will affect your family.