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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

290 replies

Julio56 · 16/03/2024 07:20

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
mammaCh · 16/03/2024 09:39

The ex does deserve to be able to plan for life, not fit in with the ex.
But, it is not then on you because he works shifts.
If you did decide to look after them when he works, they won't actually see their dad. Isn't the whole point of them being there to spend time with their dad?

BoohooWoohoo · 16/03/2024 09:43

You and exp aren’t unreasonable.

Your h needs to look into other jobs or putting in a flexible working request so that he can guarantee a day off from work or day shifts on a set day so he can see his kids.

Original poster
Julio56 · 16/03/2024 09:44

Thanks for all the replies.

This is actually court ordered contact schedule. He was told he needed to give her a minium of 2 weeks notice of the shifts, he obviously gives more than this as he sends her the timetable as soon as its received which is typically monthly (although sometimes more). She has also already said she can't afford to go back to court when he suggested this.

He has asked in the past for more set working shifts but unfortunately it's just not possible right now. His role is extremely short staffed (NHS).

He works 3 long shifts most weeks, on occasions will need to do more depending on staffing levels. He always has DC on his days off, and often 4 nights a week too so there are many weeks where he has them more than their mum.

I do appreciate its frustrating. I feel it myself. But I don't feel its my problem to solve, I agree they can discuss between each other.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 16/03/2024 09:47

What’s the likelihood of dh agreeing with regular days with ex, and not discussing it with you to see whether you are in agreement?

Hankunamatata · 16/03/2024 09:47

When he does nights would he have enough time to put kids to bed then be back to sort them in the morning?

Original poster
Julio56 · 16/03/2024 09:48

Another would you be agreeing to cover X number of weekends/weeks per year to enable ex to be able to make some social plans in advance

We already do this. We always accommodate plans she makes if he ends up having to work those days, including holidays she's been on with her partner / friends. Which often ends up meaning I look after them on those days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Julio56 · 16/03/2024 09:49

Hankunamatata · 16/03/2024 09:47

When he does nights would he have enough time to put kids to bed then be back to sort them in the morning?

Not really. He tends to need to leave around 5:30/6pm at the latest and is supposed to get back around 8am but sometimes has to stay depending on the situation at work, he can't just up and leave once the clock strikes 7am as it depends if he's dealing with an emergency or not.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2024 09:51

In her position I'd go back to court and represent myself if necessary.

She must have been limiting her own opportunities at work for years. No wonder she's fed up. And got no money.

RandomMess · 16/03/2024 09:53

As it is court ordered her only option is to comply or not comply.

He's doing the past he can, you are supporting with the fixed time currently given.

She can use childcare as and when required.

Ohiwish12 · 16/03/2024 09:56

Why has he told her to go back to court? Surely they can just communicate as adults and come up with a plan and he put in a request at the minimum? If both in agreement then surely not needed for court.

Zanatdy · 16/03/2024 09:58

Whilst it might be annoying for her; this is the court ordered arrangement and he’s giving more than 2wks required notice. The point of contact is for them to spend time with their dad, but she would rather they spent time with you instead so she’s got set days. I don’t see why her having 4wks notice isn’t sufficient, sure it might be hard with her working but presume her ex could help with pick ups anyway if she’s working as he works nights (he can get up before the school run)

Original poster
Julio56 · 16/03/2024 09:58

Ohiwish12 · 16/03/2024 09:56

Why has he told her to go back to court? Surely they can just communicate as adults and come up with a plan and he put in a request at the minimum? If both in agreement then surely not needed for court.

Because he'd tried talking to her but she was insistent it had to be set days or nothing so in the end he said we'll have to go back then as he can't do that.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 16/03/2024 09:59

Ohiwish12 · 16/03/2024 09:56

Why has he told her to go back to court? Surely they can just communicate as adults and come up with a plan and he put in a request at the minimum? If both in agreement then surely not needed for court.

They aren’t in agreement as she’s expecting her ex to change his job or for the step mum to look after them, and they don’t agree with this. So I guess she either accepts it or goes back to court

Testina · 16/03/2024 10:00

“He works 3 long shifts most weeks, on occasions will need to do more depending on staffing levels.”

Does he need to do more? My sister is NHS (midwife, understaffed) and she says no. She simply cannot do more than her scheduled 3 long shifts because she doesn’t have childcare. There is no ex husband or second husband to do it. So she says no.

Obeast · 16/03/2024 10:01

Telling her to go to court because he refuses to adjust his life to accommodate the kids that he chose to keep having is taking the piss. Expecting women to scamper along after him to raise his kids for him is unattractive.

Does this man enhance your life?

Original poster
Julio56 · 16/03/2024 10:02

Testina · 16/03/2024 10:00

“He works 3 long shifts most weeks, on occasions will need to do more depending on staffing levels.”

Does he need to do more? My sister is NHS (midwife, understaffed) and she says no. She simply cannot do more than her scheduled 3 long shifts because she doesn’t have childcare. There is no ex husband or second husband to do it. So she says no.

He's supposed to have the children 3 nights a week and always does in accordance with the shifts he's given and is given to his ex. Sometimes on the 4th day off, he works as they are understaffed. But if he doesn't, he often ends up having the DSC on this 4th day too.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 16/03/2024 10:05

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 16/03/2024 07:35

It's not your issue and it's certainly not his ex's issue.

Your H needs to be a better parent and realise that some jobs just don't work around childcare responsibilities.

Women downgrade/change their careers and working hours ALL the time to fit in around school days and childcare responsibilities, he needs to do the same.

If his job is no longer compatible with raising the kids that he created, he needs to find a solution for that. If you're not going to be the solution and you're saying that childcare won't work either, then HE needs to make a change, so HE can look after his own kids in a stable way, that give both his children and his ex wife the solid structure of set days to work around.

I agree with this

MintTwirl · 16/03/2024 10:05

How old are the dc? Surely once school age it is better for them to have set days so they can do extra curriculars, arrange to see friends etc . DH needs to work with his ex on this, not just tell her to go to court, if you aren’t willing to look after them on his time(fair enough) then he has to arrange childcare.

Testina · 16/03/2024 10:06

“He has asked in the past for more set working shifts but unfortunately it's just not possible right now. His role is extremely short staffed (NHS).”

Does that mean he causally said, “any chance of fixed shifts?” or he actually made a formal flexible working request, and discussed any push back from that with his union rep? I know several people with fixed shifts in the NHS.

To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?
Elephantswillnever · 16/03/2024 10:07

I share 50/50 with my ex and shiftwork just isn’t possible so I got a different job where I work set hours and that was on a rolling 4on 4 off. It’s actually really difficult to plan out life when you don’t know what’s happening one month to the next .

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2024 10:09

So he doesn't need to do more. He chooses to.

They're 50/50 so no CM changes hands?

She is limited by his shiftwork and changing work patterns.

I'm starting to get the picture...

yourlobster · 16/03/2024 10:09

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 16/03/2024 07:35

It's not your issue and it's certainly not his ex's issue.

Your H needs to be a better parent and realise that some jobs just don't work around childcare responsibilities.

Women downgrade/change their careers and working hours ALL the time to fit in around school days and childcare responsibilities, he needs to do the same.

If his job is no longer compatible with raising the kids that he created, he needs to find a solution for that. If you're not going to be the solution and you're saying that childcare won't work either, then HE needs to make a change, so HE can look after his own kids in a stable way, that give both his children and his ex wife the solid structure of set days to work around.

This!

I sort of see the argument the OP is making that the ex chose to have a relationship and children with a shift worker but she's not in a relationship with him now so life is different and circumstances change.

He needs to sort this in a way that works for family like. It's not for the ex or the OP to organise his family commitments for him.

user1492757084 · 16/03/2024 10:10

Maybe they can agree to a semi set pattern, where the child has every XXXteamsportXXX day with Mum etc. Is the reasoning about DSC needing to be more settled into a routine so to join a sport or hobby?
It would be annoying for the ex. but also disruptive for the child once they are old enough to have committments and jobs etc.

Overthinking22 · 16/03/2024 10:12

Sounds like she's the one that has been accommodating long enough and it no longer works for her. Why should she continue to work around your DH shifts, it's of no benefit to her and she can't plan ahead.

Testina · 16/03/2024 10:12

Honestly, I’d put money on him never having made a formal flexible working request, because if he had, you’d have mentioned it in your OP @Julio56

Which doesn’t make any of this your fault or your responsibility of course, and I think YANBU not wanting to pick up the childcare for him. Where you would be unreasonable, is if you thought she was unreasonable for expecting him to make that flexible working request.