To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

Well said 👏.

Some common sense at last

Sorry - your DP is a doctor in ED. Then yes he can ask for a set shift pattern, as long as he doe shi share of the shit shifts as well. He could have that set up to run for months.

COI: I am a doctor and have worked in many ED departments

No your DH shouldn't get to dictate the child contact schedule, obviously. Would it really be such a hardship for you to have them on your own for a few hours in the evening until he gets home? Given their age and you already have a small DC at home. Surely you knew this would happen you took on a man with DC.

He absolutely can use requests, swap shifts, ask for some help with his shifts - eg one set day off a week. Or he can switch to locum for a few years so he chooses his shifts. How would you feel being in the position of his ex? She can't make plans with her cow DC in advance as she doesn't know when she will have them!

And his answer - telling her to take him to court and you suggest reducing CM. Has he made that threat directly to her?

Here's a different angle: a factor in how children end up growing up with mental health problems is how secure they feel. Children in blended families don't have it easy. You should be focusing from a perspective of what's best for the children and how do the adults get as close to that as possible. Try to work it out. Try to understand why the mum is asking for specific dates. This culture of 'got to the court' is ridiculous. When I read 'work it out as a family' it seems like that mum is reasonable. You all have a part to play. You have reasons why this works and does not. THEREFORE work it out together. And trying to work it out without understanding WHY the change is being asked for and not asking why is silly.

But she can go back to court and request an EOW arrangement (and maintenance accordingly) if he's frequently failing to meet his parenting responsibilities.

It would not hurt you if Ocado scheduled a certain delivery driver set shifts every week rather than changing them though would it?

Just because he is a shift worker doesn't mean he can't ask for more certainty. What do you think would happen if two doctors had a child together? I know tons of shift workers who have asked for set shifts for this reason and it doesn't reflect brilliantly on the OP's husband that he hasn't even submitted a formal request for fixed shifts.

He doesn't have to work Monday Tuesday night one week then Wednesday Thursday night the next week though. He could ask for some certainty.

20 years from now OP will be posting that her DH is sitting at the top table at his child’s wedding whilst she is relegated to a table in the back with the single work colleagues and the weird second cousin and wondering why.

you get out what you put in and your step children will recognise that you didn’t want them around and weren’t interested in creating stability for them. More importantly your own DC will recognise this trait in you. It’s not a great legacy.

Do you work in emergency medicine?

Maybe as a consultant you may get some sway and have set hours, before that, no chance. You’ll have a mix of days and nights, and they’ll be when they need you.

To the posters saying “just ask for flexible working…” 🤦🏼‍♀️

Doesn't work like that.

Some people deliberately put their step-parent(s) on a back table while other put their step-parent(s) on a front table regardless of their relationship with them.

With the former they simply don't like them no matter how the step-parent behaved, with the latter they know their parents relationship didn't work and the step-parent is nothing to do with it.

I've been to around at graduations and weddings of friends where one of my roles was to keep warring parents with their current spouse away from each other. There as at other weddings, including the events before and after, parents and step-parents were all cordial to one another.

I don't. I've worked for many doctors who have been more than happy with their set days CAO though. Plenty of posters up thread do and have confimed it is possible. To be fair though this doesn't matter whether it is possible to change his hours. He just needs to organise his own childcare rather than expecting his ex wife to facilitate his job.

The fact of the matter is that it is never OK to expect a woman to have to approach her ex husband to organise anything more than 2 weeks into the future with her own DC. There should be days where she has freedom. A man should not hold that control over a womans life.

@Reugny are you always so literal 🙄

No but you made up a scenario I've actually had to be involved in.

This

Sounds like you're both very accommodating. I agree go back to court if no agreement can't be agreed.