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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

290 replies

Julio56 · 16/03/2024 07:20

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 16/03/2024 08:23

No, do not get involved in the plans as then you'll be the go-to if her plans change.

You are not their childcare. As you say, if she had a problem with his shifts, then having a child with a shift worker was her choice to make.

dudsville · 16/03/2024 08:26

I ticked yanbu as i wouldn't like to have a formal relationship with ex, but i wanted to comment. You, their father and the other mother are all family, their children are your child's siblings. This kind of thing can lead to problems for the children.

Riverlee · 16/03/2024 08:26

Can I see it from both sides. She must find it frustrating not knowing from one month to the next who’s looking after the kids. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were a three month shift pattern, but monthly is very short and disruptive.

However, I can also see if from your side. You don’t want to become the default parent for dsc.

Can you compromise? If dsc always does football on Mondays then mum has them, and you do the pick ups on Thursdays on gym day. Other days are more flexible?

Loopytiles · 16/03/2024 08:28

Or DH could do less than 50/50 in order for the DC to have more stability.

KTheGrey · 16/03/2024 08:32

How long ago was the divorce, so how long has this been in place? How old are the children? And why does the ex want to change a system that's worked so far?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2024 08:33

Not your responsibility. She can go to mediation or back to court if she wants to revise the CAO and no judge is going to say it’s up to you to fill in. They might say DH has to agree to something more routine. But time will tell. You don’t need to change anything till there’s an official change.

Given the existing split of nights, would she really rather not have time with her kids and make you have them instead?

Mumof2teens79 · 16/03/2024 08:33

I have family where separated parents are both shift workers. They have the children for a full week each and sort childcare accordingly.

Picklestop · 16/03/2024 08:38

You are correct that you shouldn’t be drawn into this. But I think you are very unreasonable to be of the opinion that she has to revolve her life around your husband’s shifts, he doesn’t get to opt in and out like that. The schedule needs to be set and he needs to either change his work or find other arrangements like billions of other parents do for childcare when they are working.

TruthorDie · 16/03/2024 09:01

I wouldn’t get involved either, it’s not your problem. It’s not your fault your partners shifts are like this

WildFlowerBees · 16/03/2024 09:06

Surely the point of contact is so that his kids see and spend time with their dad, how will that work if you're expected to look after them?

TidyDancer · 16/03/2024 09:10

What's your DH's take on this? I agree it's not your responsibility but I would help a bit if I could tbh. It does depend on what would actually be asked of you in order to facilitate this. Just being present in the house while the DCs slept I wouldn't have an issue with I don't think. Age of DCs is also a factor I think.

socks1107 · 16/03/2024 09:11

She has a right to ask for a set pattern but you have a right to say no to facilitating. Their dad works shifts something they have to grow up understanding that some jobs do that. Can he ask for a set pattern at work on certain days and flexibility for others?
I did just that when mine were little and it worked well

Testina · 16/03/2024 09:14

So has he had any discussion with his work about flexible working requests, set shifts, guaranteed set days off? Or even looked an alternative shift working and non shift working jobs?

There are single parent shift workers up and down the country who have been through this.

I will say that women on their own (anecdotally) seem to manage to adapt work to their child responsibilities more often than men, and yes that can be to their career of financial detriment.

What has he done to improve this situation?

HaPPy8 · 16/03/2024 09:15

Fleuri · 16/03/2024 07:25

I agree that you shouldn’t get involved. I also think that she’s right to ask for set days and his shifts aren’t her problem anymore - she is not his wife and shouldn’t have to shift her own life around to accommodate his work. He needs to have set days and use childcare if he’s working.

Exactly this.

funinthesun19 · 16/03/2024 09:15

Yanbu. You shouldn’t have to commit to anything.

Aishah231 · 16/03/2024 09:17

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 16/03/2024 07:35

It's not your issue and it's certainly not his ex's issue.

Your H needs to be a better parent and realise that some jobs just don't work around childcare responsibilities.

Women downgrade/change their careers and working hours ALL the time to fit in around school days and childcare responsibilities, he needs to do the same.

If his job is no longer compatible with raising the kids that he created, he needs to find a solution for that. If you're not going to be the solution and you're saying that childcare won't work either, then HE needs to make a change, so HE can look after his own kids in a stable way, that give both his children and his ex wife the solid structure of set days to work around.

This! Why is him changing jobs not on the table OP. If I was the ex I'd be going to court to arrange set days if I got nowhere asking. This can't be good for the children.

Scaffoldingisugly · 16/03/2024 09:17

Does he earn a good wage? Pay cms? Presumably you, the ex and all dc benefit from his job? My dh has dsc. If he didn't provided 'childcare' our home and family wouldn't function..

Scarletttulips · 16/03/2024 09:17

i assume she’s been working round his shifts for a long time and it’s cheeky to assume the new wife will pick up the slack.

He needs to be in discussion with her and leave you out of it.

Often shift work pays better.

Im sure OP is also taking on the lions share of childcare for her own child - she doesn’t need to do that for someone’s else’s child.

Herdinggoats · 16/03/2024 09:18

Riverlee · 16/03/2024 08:26

Can I see it from both sides. She must find it frustrating not knowing from one month to the next who’s looking after the kids. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were a three month shift pattern, but monthly is very short and disruptive.

However, I can also see if from your side. You don’t want to become the default parent for dsc.

Can you compromise? If dsc always does football on Mondays then mum has them, and you do the pick ups on Thursdays on gym day. Other days are more flexible?

I don’t know why it is up to the women her to help pick up his responsibilities?

The mum is already doing her share, the OP doesn’t have any responsibilities towards the children. I don’t know why posters are bending over backwards suggesting ways where the women can fix or manage this situation.

Half the time the kids are the responsibility of the father. It sounds like the ex is being accommodating in allowing him his pick of times going forwards- he just needs to choose something and stick with it. He needs to have a conversation with his employer about a fixed shift pattern or find a more regular job.

Springtime43 · 16/03/2024 09:19

Marblessolveeverything · 16/03/2024 08:18

It is reasonable for her and the children to have a set pattern. It isn't reasonable for it to fall to you. Your dh needs to speak to his employer, sort childcare and put his job behind his children's needs

This. How would your DH arrange this if he were single?

RandomMess · 16/03/2024 09:19

YANBU

But perhaps your DH could ask for some fixed shifts in one rotation or take regular annual leave so his ex can have guaranteed contact times once per month so she can plan things with her child free time.

If she took it to court they wouldn't be looking to you to step in, they usually do expect contact to work around a parents shift patterns.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2024 09:21

Yanbu to stay out of it.

His ex is also NBU.

Like many parents, he'll need to change his job or agree a new pattern if he's going to see his children. Has he even tried?

How on earth does his ex manage her own work when he's changing things around every month?

I'm cracking up at "marrying a shift worker".

She married a man. Who now needs to reconsider his job. She left him and its not her job to accommodate him indefinitely.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/03/2024 09:26

Testina · 16/03/2024 09:14

So has he had any discussion with his work about flexible working requests, set shifts, guaranteed set days off? Or even looked an alternative shift working and non shift working jobs?

There are single parent shift workers up and down the country who have been through this.

I will say that women on their own (anecdotally) seem to manage to adapt work to their child responsibilities more often than men, and yes that can be to their career of financial detriment.

What has he done to improve this situation?

Completely agree with this, I'm a shift worker and lots of us (dad's included) have a right to request agreement. He needs to ask work for example a guaranteed certain day off or only day shifts on Thursdays etc. Or he swaps shifts to spend time with his children. It might not be your problem but it is his.

Springtime43 · 16/03/2024 09:26

Loopytiles · 16/03/2024 08:28

Or DH could do less than 50/50 in order for the DC to have more stability.

Good point - if he does 50/50 but is absent for a good chunk of this, then it’s not really 50/50, is it?

Velvian · 16/03/2024 09:33

Yanbu, but neither is she. I think there are probably a few potential compromises.

One being DH approaching his employer for some stability on certain days, moving to a fixed shift (if offered) or changing jobs.

Another would you be agreeing to cover X number of weekends/weeks per year to enable ex to be able to make some social plans in advance.