To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

No, he occasionally does another shift on the day he's not supposed to have the DSC.

He does actually pay more than the CM calculator which is based off his 3 nights a week (even though he often has them more than this).

Maybe he can suggest he stops doing that so he can use the money for the childcare needed for set days.

And as mentioned, this is all court ordered. The court thought it reasonable to only give her 2 weeks notice! Which he obviously doesn't do.

That's seems a bit petty to reduce CMS. He needs to put in a flexible working request. Asap. If you were the ex in this scenario would you be happy with the set up? If they don't want court they could go to mediation. It sounds like things are amicable apart from this issue.

It's good of you to cover ex's social plans @Julio56 . What is the issue that has prompted the complaint? Is it paid childcare, set activities...?

Is it that her new partner has to cover her working days when your DH is also working that day? As that is the flip side of what is being asked of you.

Could you agree to 1 set day a week to covers one of her working days to soften the additional burden that falls on her and her partner, due to your DH's shifts?

Well surely it's not reasonable to have it all one way either? He pays more maintenance, has them often more than her during the week and we always accommodate social, holiday or whatever plans she needs to make.

Does she have to pay for childcare for every day of the week? As that is pretty rubbish for her. Or she can not commit to doing something on any day at all?

I think that you need to come up with a compromise here. He /you will always have the kids on a Wednesday for example. And the. She gets to choose two other days from the 4 available.

The court order may not say that but most of us know that courts are not always fair.

Courts order all sorts that logical people might consider unreasonable.

It doesn’t sound good to me for the kids to only know where they’ll be two weeks in advance. As they get older, it’ll get more and more unsuitable.

I don’t think you have to be party to the plans or childcare at all, but I think he needs to sort it so that he has regular days with the kids. This could either be by changing his job or using childcare during the week.

Don’t reduce CM though. What a petty thing to do. It’s for the kids on the ex wife.

I think you need to keep a diary of times and dates you have the children should she decide to go back to court.

CMS may well be an issue if he’s paying and still have the children more than 50% - she can’t have it both ways.

Nor can she request you do additional free childcare.

He needs a backbone and stick to the court order. She wants her cake and eat it.

And those days about the CMS - she has a new partner and clearly goes in child free holidays - bet OP doesn’t.

The poster says it’s petty about the CMS because it is so obvious that you are saying it because you pissed off that she has requested set days. it seems that you wanted everyone to say how unreasonable she is being?
The current contact might be court ordered but life changes, kids get older and what once works for everyone might not be working any more. Your DH needs to step up here and have a proper adult conversation with his ex where instead of saying take me to court, he actually does some compromising. If it works out that CMS needs changing due to the contact changes sort it then instead of using it around as some kind of threat to shut her up.

There is some information noticeable by its absence.

How long has this arrangement been in place?

How does the ex manage her own work?

Has your dh submitted a formal request to work to fix his days/shifts?

It's not your problem, but also it would be worth him asking why it's become a problem. If it's particular clubs or childcare issues then you'd know what is needed and he might be able to accommodate better. Harder if she's just sick of it, in which case she will probably need to go back to court.

He may need to change job to a community nhs role that is 9-5. There are so many vacancies right now.

Most MN posters believe that if a husband acquires step children he treats them as his own. How many posters proclaim that any partner must treat her children as his own or he is is not worthy of being her partner.
Such a different attitude to step mothers and step children.
if you are truly a team you work together. presumably you benefit from his salary?
MN is also disproportionately full of WFH mothers who do not understand that nurses for example work 12 hour shifts. Quick to moan if HCP are not available but sneerily dismissive of shift work.

I think your DH needs a new job that's more compatible with his family life. People need to be able to plan more than a few weeks in advance.

@Brabican “MN is also disproportionately full of WFH mothers who do not understand that nurses for example work 12 hour shifts. Quick to moan if HCP are not available but sneerily dismissive of shift work.”

No. MN is disproportionately full of mothers who are shift workers who have adapted their shifts, or jobs, and made flexible working requests, because of their children.

This man hasn’t done the most basic thing of making a flexible working request 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are the concrete repercussions to her of the changing shifts? Does it impact her own work hours at all, or is it solely about planning for her child-free days? You've already said you're flexible about special events, so the latter seems less justified. Also, with regards to the kids' social life, do you live far apart/is there any practical difference in who has them to interfere with clubs in meeting friends? Some posters seem to be making an awful lot of assumptions.

You all seem to be ignoring what's best for the kids here, which is generally routine, with a bit of flexibility on both sides.

There's very few people who would like to live in a way which means that in a fortnight's time, they don't know which bed they'll be sleeping in, or for how long.

You may be able to get the kids to go along with this for the time being, but as they get older they're going to make their own plans to attend after school activities or go to parties, they aren't going to want their lives to revolve around their Dad's shifts.

Shift work, although both admirable and necessary isn't great for raising kids and sorting childcare, which is why so many single parents (which is essentially what your DH is if you are not prepared to do any parenting of his DC) don't do it.

Your DH needs to think "what is best for my children?" And act accordingly, not just say "your life has to revolve around my job and if you don't like it take me to court"

If he's looking after the children roughly 50% of the time then CM is surely minimal to just cover costs of school uniform, clothes etc. If you and your DH accommodate holidays and special occasions that's good.
If I was the ex wife I would want set days and times so I could have my own plans each week which may be going to work, a class, meeting or helping a relative weekly etc. I wouldn't want to have to wait every month for my ex husband to send me his work timetable so I know when he's having the DC and when I can make my plans.
They're no longer together so she shouldn't still have to work her life around him no matter how far in advance he sends his shifts. She should be able to have a routine for her life and the DC's. I think that is fair and reasonable.
The only realistic option seems to be a change of job for your DH, which I can understand he won't be happy about or that you or a family member commit to caring for them when he's in work on his sets days/times with the children. This however is a big commitment to make and whoever does it must be sure they're willing to do it long term.
It certainly shouldn't fall on you to do it if you don't want to, they're his DC to sort out. How old are all of his children? How long have these current arrangements been going on for?

@Testina
I don't think the percentage of shift workers on MN outnumbers the percentage of mothers WFH or SAHM but do give me your source.
Please return and post when a mother demands that her partner/husband treats her children/his stepchildren as equal to their children.
So many threads on here from aggrieved mothers demanding that step fathers, step grandparents treat her children as equals in the family. When it is his children there is more demand on MN that he takes complete responsibility for them.

If they were still a couple he'd still be working shifts and she'd have to accommodate them?

What would the solution be then? Use babysitters if she wants to go out? If the DC have activities then yes Dad should still be taking them on his time.

Getting a different job may not be possible.

Yeah it's fine. Just say there's two of them they should be able to sort it out without another grown adult getting involved.

Your DH could always change careers so he can offer stability to his kids

He should pay the legal rate as a minimum. Calculated on the overnights as per the CMS website. Yes if he cant afford more he can not pay more but he shouldn't use maintenance as a weapon. My DH has had to cut his back as he genuinely couldn't afford it when he lost is job temporarily. The FUSS and outrage was ridiculous.

I don’t believe that.

A step parent is undoubtedly a hard role. You need to love the kids as your own but not be responsible for them. In particular, you aren’t responsible for discipline/ consequences. You’re sort of like and aunt/ uncle who lives in the house and potentially has their own children with their parent. So it is surely very hard!

What you don’t have to do is provide childcare so that their parents can work or enjoy a social life. Help out a bit here and there sure, be a friendly presence for older children who don’t need care, but no he regular children.

But it’s not for you to be an equal element of childcare as seems to be suggested by your husband and his ex wife.