To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

Probably easier to go for 50/50 contact
No one pays maintenance
And money you save on maintenance you use for childcare
Seems fair

At no point has op said he's a nurse

He has previously asked for set shifts and been denied

The ex has a partner so perhaps he could help care for his "step-DC"

The ex isn't asking for more £ to pay for childcare as it's impacting her working.

Ex wants set contact regardless and the courts are very unlikely to award that when the DC have 50:5O being cared for by their Dad.

🤷🏽‍♀️

How on earth could she do that when she only gets told his shifts 4 weeks in advance?

How on earth could she do that when she only gets told his shifts 4 weeks in advance?

Exactly!

God I feel sorry for the ex.

being dictated to by her ex, unable to have any sort of routine because she’s forced to bend to his shift pattern and then to top it all subjected to veiled threats about the removal of CMS. What a revolting man you’ve tethered yourself to.

he needs to step up and prioritise his DC and remember what’s best for them.

It sounds like she's lived for years in accordance with his shifts, time for him to find a working pattern to give her a break. He can do what so many women have to do all the time and compromise the job he wants in order to parent the children he chose to have.

It sounds terrible for the kids not to have a set arrangement. Not to mention their other parent who's just supposed to work around her ex.

Surely it's his responsibility to find a job that fits around his children's needs, or to find appropriate childcare to cover unsociable hours if he doesn't want to change careers (depending on his relationship/availability of grandparents, this may be impossible if you're not willing to help him).

Well the current situation doesn't seem to be working for her now. Your DH can point out how he thinks he's flexible around her arrangements but if she's willing to forego that for set days then going back to court or mediation to sort it out seems the only option. Of course you don't have to agree to do the childcare, that's up to you.

@Julio56 sorry if I missed this. how many children are DSC? Ages?

how many are your DC with him? ages?

Everyone is assuming that op has to do the childcare if they go for regular days. However, that’s not op’s issue to sort out. So if one of the set days is on a shift day, then he has to sort out childcare, whether his mother, a babysitter, nanny etc.

Yes, it would probably fall to op, but let’s take op out of the equation (which is what she wants) and let dh work it out.

I do agree that a set routine is best for all concerned, even if it’s set for two days or three days, and flexible for the rest.

I feel sorry for the child, this is why blended families often don't work, as a step parent surely you treat the child as part of your family.

By your logic, dad will need to reduce CMS contribution, as op opined here, so he can pay a nanny to look after the kids on those set days, should dh need to work. see the merry go round?

hence I want to know the ages of kids. ex seems to want a breather from childrearing, and it's not just about contact.
I am just not clear what's going on here.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Or it means you will have them when she can't be bothered to adhere to the arrangement she made during the divorce regarding her ex's working practice that she knew from the start.

It does seem from OPs responses that the DH is making quite a lot of conscious choices here. He cannot leave at the end of a shift - well yes if he was a single DP as many are, he would simply have to, he does an extra shift if they are short staffed - again a conscious choice and doesn't seem to increase the CM he is paying.

It seems the only option open to the DM unless he changes to set hours,if she wants to work a standard job,is to pay full time childcare and then not use it. I would go back to court if I were her, this seems dreadfully unfair, 50/50 so he pays very little but means she can't get a job without horrendous childcare costs.

And of course he has had to "let" her book holidays and cover for them in the past, if he hadn't the poor woman would never be able to do anything, might as well still be married to him in fact.

It's not your problem to solve OP I agree, but I do think your DH could be trying a little harder to get set hours, or pay her more to cover 50% of the childcare expenses.

So she wants to change to agreed structure to suit her now. A pity she didn't bring this up during the divorce.

The ex is refusing to abide by the divorce agreement and is now expecting her ex to bend over backwards to suit her. If he lets her get away with this she'll be back constantly wanting more from him. She chose to marry a shift worker and have children with him and now it doesn't suit her. Tough!

I don't think you are unreasonable.

You help where you can but don't want to be part of a formal plan.

If she goes to court she would have to show the arrangement was no longer in the child's best interests.

DH has status quo in his favour, and taking it to the line the court can't comply you to do it.

So she wants to change to agreed structure to suit her now. A pity she didn't bring this up during the divorce

perhaps she did and she had an arsehole judge

perhaps she did and she decided it was in her DCs best interests to be accommodating

perhaps she did as it was what suited her and the DC at that time

perhaps the passage of time has meant the DCs need have changed

she’s perfectly entitled to seek a variation to an order that was impose years ago. Good luck to her!

Well let her go back to court. Mumsnet is unlikely to be able to tell you if this is reasonable or not given we don't have any idea what she does workwise, or how old the children are and what school pick ups etc are required or what he pays in CMS.

On the face of it, she wants to renegotiate the arrangement for her convenience, and looking after children is not convenient because it's full time and so is life. He appears to do his share, abide by the court's ruling, accommodate her requests for flexibility and make a payment for the single "extra" day a week she has them. I don't know what more he can do.

If her circumstances have changed - her working hours, for example, she can take it back to court. But unless she has a reason she needs to wind her neck in. And no, it shouldn't fall on you.

This. HE needs to make changes so he can commit to a set schedule. Its not reasonable for him to expect his XW and child arrangements to go on working around his shifts.

If you break up with you OH would you feel it was reasonable for your life years later still be massively impacted by your Ex because he work shifts? Ultimately that's what it comes down to. He can only work shifts because his XW is forced to accommodate them.

He can only work shifts because his XW is forced to accommodate them

Why has she asked to change?

Let’s say she works 9-5 and he has the child 4 nights a week? What is she doing then?

What is she needing to do on the days she has the child and Clare can’t?

If they did 3 days 2 days pattern that seems popular - then she has them 3 days 2 off 2 on so 5 days the first week then 3 off 3 on 2 off so 3 days the following week giving 50/50 time.

Same as she has now.

I’m not entirely sure what a fair and equitable solution would look like, given the circumstances?

It's not better if it means they spend most of the time they're supposed to be with their dad in childcare or not seeing him though is it?

I do tend to think if you marry someone who works shifts you're kind of agreeing to dealing with it whether you're together or not.

I say this as someone who's dh has worked shifts.