To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

The only realistic option seems to be a change of job for your DH

Imagine asking the mother to move jobs to accommodate her XH?

She could get a job working shifts in an opposite pattern.

@Julio56 , could you answer what the issue is that has prompted DH's ex to complain? Also to what extent the ex's partner has to provide childcare, dependent on your DH's shifts?

But they aren’t still together. Would you run your life around the work schedule of your ex husband? 😳

Of course getting a different job is possible! Why wouldn’t it be? Women up and down the country organise their work around children and childcare needs. Yet this man expects two households to live their lives around his work. Male privilege yet again.

Maybe he can suggest he stops doing that so he can use the money for the childcare needed for set days

A thinly veiled threat. Continue to revolve your life around me or I will make the children pay. Charming.

Ok so he changes job, earns less, no more maintenance, he sticks rigidly to the 50:50 contact - will the ext be happy then? The DH could have the DC less to accommodate fixed contact and see the DC far less in order to do so as he'll be at work - does that benefit the DC?

The ex isn't unreasonable to want fixed contact, the DH isn't unreasonable to not want to change jobs. The DH already offer some fixed contact but ex still says that isn't enough.

I love how everyone thinks it's easy or even possible for him to change his clearly long standing career.

The ex could ask for him to go halves on additional childcare costs to accommodate her working, which in effect he may already be paying for.

This shift work would actually drive me absolutely mad. I can’t cope at all with situations where I can’t plan my life.

Imagine asking the mother to move jobs to accommodate her XH?

But that's effectively already happening here. All her work must be revolving around his shifts. Ie her work is significantly limited by him.

And part of the problem is his shifts aren't fixed.

The ex was wrong to say you should step in and offer childcare. However. As a single parent (no idea if your DSS mum has a partner) it is very frustrating if your child's other parent doesn't do set days. How can she plan anything for herself? Arrange holidays, days out with friends?
I'm afraid this is down to your partner to sort with her, I would say no in your position too, but it's not unreasonable of her to want a more structured set up.

Feel incredibly sorry for the ex here, who despite having left the man is still having her whole life dictated by him with 2 weeks notice.

Don’t know why this Prince has two women running around trying to look after his responsibilities. Sounds so unattractive I don’t know how he’s landed one woman, let alone a second.

Yes I can see it from mum’s side. She just wants some consistency.

Once again in a lot of these situations though, the mum just sees the stepmum as an extension of her children’s father. She just thinks the stepmum will slot nicely in to place to fill any gaps the father has made. OP is her own person though and not some added extra.

Some will say all that is fair enough and the mum has every right to expect that the father’s household will automatically work together to ensure the contact arrangement flows ok. But I disagree and I don’t think OP should have to commit to anything that isn’t convenient for her, especially if she won’t have a say on which days she will be needed.

It will basically be the mum picking some days which work for her, the dad agreeing to it and then OP being forced to make it happen. 👎🏻

She's already having to accommodate his shifts by changing his contact days every single month.
She can't get a ob working opposite shifts because he works totally random shifts that change every month.

If he can't commit to having his children on a regular (set) basis then yes, he does need to be the one to change his working hours.

Don't get involved. He already has a court arrangement that presumably allows for his shift working. If she wants to change that, and they can't agree between themselves, she'll have to apply to court to do so.
Why does she want to change the arrangement now? The court may refuse the change on the basis that it's worked until now, and that he may be unable to continue working in his current job as paid childcare options are very limited and often prohibitively expensive for shift workers. I'm sure neither of them would prefer their DC to in childcare rather than having contact with their father, so they both have to find a workable solution (which is not you) or let the court decide.

The fact missing here is incredibly.

The DH gives at least a month notice usually more.
The DH will take on some fixed contact so ex can have weekends away/travel with work
The DH has in reality 50:50 because he often does more than his 3 nights per week.
The DH pays more than the CMS level of maintenance based on 3 nights per week.

So his only option is to change jobs.

Yeah it's not nice for the ex that he has always worked shifts. She's happy to use the step mum for childcare so why doesn't she pay for it? She's not wanting the DC to spend time with their Dad?

Why has he not put a flexible working request in?

He needs to ask for his shifts to be set. So he does say Friday night Monday night Tuesday night. Then he can have DC Wednesday/Thursday nights and one or two nights at the weekend depending on his ex's preference.

If they're that short staffed then they won't want to lose him.

Just faffing about saying he has no control over his shifts is ridiculous when he hasn't even put the request in. They have to have an actual reason to turn it down.

If he puts the request in and it's turned down that's a different issue but he hasn't bothered.

Please don't panic, OP. The courts are a lot more reasonable than some posters think and will take into account his working patterns and hours. Tell her to take it to court, she won't get what she wants.

So basically, anyone can be inconvenienced except the children's father?

Why on earth should she do this! (In reply to the poster who suggested ex works opposing shifts to the DH!) And how would she given his shifts are random month to month

OP I don’t think it’s your issue per se although as a family with your DH it’s not unreasonable for it to be discussed to see if feasible with your DH (not for ex to assume)

But it’s not fair on the ex. She needs to be able make regular plans for work, evening courses, exercise etc.

Paying her a bit more cash won’t help her long term if her job prospects and pension are being affected because CM will stop at some point and she’s left having had years of accepting less options because of a man she is no longer married to.

Your DH should agree set days and approach work for this to be agreed or change jobs or find childcare. Like everyone else does.

She's happy to use the step mum for childcare so why doesn't she pay for it?

Maybe she can't afford it.
I don't think it's so much about "happy to use step mum for childcare" as it is about her having set days every week/month where she knows she's child-free.

A months' notice of shifts is better than two weeks' notice but it's still a real PITA to have to work around when you have children attending activities, parties etc, plus wanting to having a life of your own.

@RandomMess

I love how everyone thinks it is easy or even possible for him to change his clearly long standing career

As easy as it is for millions of mothers across the country. Which might not be easy, but it is certainly possible and there is lots of evidence of this.

The reality is you'll be involved one way or another.

She has every right to have set days. It's ridiculous that she has to plan her life around a shift worker she divorced years ago.

Your DH needs to sort childcare because he's a shift worker and a parent. Whether that means him paying for childcare or you stepping in.

I don't understand what the problem is:

The ex wants to know going forward which set days your dp will be taking responsibility

Your dp can ask work for a set shift pattern zand given the shortage of nurses, is likely to be granted the request or be backed up by his union

The dp takes on additional shifts on top of his existing work

Even if he takes the kids for ad hoc additional days, why does this mean the ex doesn't deserve to know what she'll be able to plan for in 3 months time?

I love how everyone thinks it is easy or even possible for him to change his clearly long standing career

no it’s not easy but that’s for the DH and OP to sort out not the ex

That's what I was thinking

This

I have never been to court, but if they are so reasonable, why on earth would they agree that a mother has to run her life around an ex husband’s unknown pattern of shift work for the next ten years (or whatever). That seems to be just about the most unreasonable scenario they could dream up.