To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

He's grieving and this is probably all too much for him right now
Just give him some time
Could you perhaps help her momentarily or help her get professional help?

Do you trust him to look after you when you will inevitably become ill (if you are lucky you will go suddenly )?

Some people have empathy others don't, for me personally his attitude seems a bit callous.

Bereavement affects people in very strange ways and it sounds like he simply can't cope with taking on caring concerns for another person.
Hopefully she's not relying on him in any way.

He is grieving. But also he might be concerned he is going to be expected or strong armed into to taking responsibility for her and doesn’t want it so making it very clear from the beginning.

Caring for someone with dementia is unbelievably hard. I have done it. It’s not for everyone and I couldn’t do it again.

However, how far along is she? When you say family dinner to talk about it’ what exactly are they discussing and who is it? Other members of his family who will also be taking in some responsibility for her? Is any of her family attending?

This. How is he when you’re ill?

I hope SIL has support from her own family.

That's really awful imo...there are spouses in my family that have been together that long and they are family, they would never be cut out. Did they have children?

I wouldn't want caring responsibilities for someone not my immediate family either. There's a big difference between a SIL and you and he's right in that she isn't his responsibility.
Caring for someone is hard work on the person and their family even without Dementia thrown in the mix.
Where is her family? Did they have children?

Hi OP.

This is a rough thing to hear from him. Having worked around people with dementia it is incredibly hard-going and you should be pragmatic not heroic about your expectations.

He is greiving the loss of his brother so his filter isn't all there. He might come to regret what he said, or more how he said it.

If you can treat him with kindness for now he might soften up, but it sounds like he is feeling the pressure of taking on this responsibility that he is not ready for.

He doesn't have to care for her if he doesn't want to.

Maybe he expressed it insensitively but she is not his responsibility. What emotional/financial support were you expecting him to offer? If you feel strongly about it you can offer it yourself, there is nothing stopping you.

Dementia care is really, really hard. What support is being expected?

I can see it from his point of view. Perhaps he feels pressured into taking care of her if she doesn't have other family or friends? It's not something I would be willing to do either. I also wouldn't expect that from someone else.

What do you mean by he refused to have her there? Did he refuse to allow her to attend the family dinner? That seems hurtful.

I think there should be a transition and this should be disgussed. He can't just cut her off now, but then again grief does funny things to you. However I understand he doesn't want to be responsible for her for the rest of her life. Is there not a way to transition out slowly?

He is grieving now but it would also make me question how will he be if you are sick and how has he behaved in the past if you were unwell. Does she have family and if not maybe try to organize some home help/carer for her as looking after someone with dementia is extremely hard but why would he not have her at the dinner at this time. He seems to be lacking the most basic empathy.

This might be who he is. Or he might be in the depths of grief and shock.

Although I doubt anyone would expect him to take on a caring role, washing his hands of her suggests resentment. Does he blame her for his brother’s poor health and ultimately his death?

He will be in shock and full of grief and unable to think clearly. I would let him talk through his feelings, maybe get some bereavement support and see how it pans out. He might feel overwhelmed.

Doesnt she have family of her own to take care of her? I wouldnt expect to be responsible for my SIL if my DB passed. I would expect her family to take care of her.
Or does she have none?

What family does she have? I don't think it's hugely common to take on responsibility for your brother's wife. Are you worried he wouldn't care for you if you needed it?

It maybe sounds harsh, but your OH has just lost his brother, and having a knee jerk reaction. My OH lost his brother a few years ago, and it was very hard for him, harder than when his father died.
Bereavement manifests in many ways.

Does your OH have any caring experience that is triggering him perhaps?

I am a carer- it is very hard, if I were in your OH's shoes I would not commit to caring role either.
Does your SIL have her own family on her side?

I will begin by saying that I am not someone who is naturally maternal/caring etc. People were surprised I had kids etc. I have also lost a sibling to a terminal illness and know how earth shatteringly hard it is.

I don't see anything wrong with what your DH has said. BIL made his own choice about caring for his wife at home. It is not fair to expect anyone else to make that same choice. Your SIL may well have another 40 years ahead of her. That's 40 years of financial, physical and emotional responsibility. Can you really commit to that? Do you know what it is like to care for someone with dementia?

What about SIL family? Are there no siblings, children or relatives on her side to also shoulder the responsibility?

You also mentioned BIL died after a long illness. It is draining caring for someone with a terminal illness and watching them go through that. I would imagine after that, your DH needs a break and time to grieve before taking on more responsibility and going through the same thing again.

I wouldn't want to take on caring responsibilities for a bereaved BIL with dementia either. And that's essentially what you seem to be expecting of him.

I think he could have been a bit more sensitive with his wording but he's grieving and has just lost his brother. His head will be all over the place.

What kind of responsibility did you expect him to take on? Why do you feel like that's his place?

This. I think his delivery was a bit harsh but why would anyone expect him to "care" for his brothers wife? Do people realise how difficult and stressful this is caring for those with dementia?- it's not simply popping in now and then for a cuppa, it can mean 24/7 care, help with personal care, showering, changing incontinence pads etc

I don't quite understand why anyone would expect him to do this for someone who isnt his actual family. I would not expect this of my in laws. And for the "will he care for you" questions- OP is his wife, its hardly the same is it?

I have a friend who had/has early onset dementia, it is an extremely difficult thing to deal with due to the age of the sufferer.
I am sure the OP 's late BIL discussed his thoughts/problems with his brother.
I would suggest that the OP give her DH some time, these sorts of problems often evolve and alter with time and circumstances. Do you have neices and /or nephews? If so their Mum will hopefully have their support. Did your BIL have assets, was there a POA arranged or might the Court of Protection become involved ?
So many different possibilities and potential problems the OP's DH is probably overwhelmed at the moment, I don't think she should criticise just yet.

What are you expecting him to do?