To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

But would you exclude them from family events and shake off any association with them?

In-laws don't need to be invited to everything. He didn't say he was shaking of any association either, he was just saying she's not his responsibility.

And he's right, she's not.

Well the op describes it as: "He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away", which sounds a lot like it.

He can care about her without taking on responsibility for caring for her.

caring for someone is a big ask.

But would you exclude them from family events

My dad had dementia and yes, there came a point where we no longer took him out with us for family meals. The reason for that was that he became very disorientated and confused/distressed in unfamiliar surroundings. He'd try to wander off multiple times, he would get confused over how to use cutlery, he'd refuse to dress appropriately etc It got to the point where actually taking him out was becoming cruel for both him and us.

I don't think the op was suggesting he pick up the caring labour, did she? But knowing that your sil is vulnerable in the world and shrugging your shoulders and excluding her from the family life she would have shared when her husband was alive is brutal.

Don't know many people who would be equipped and or willing to take on the responsibility and care of someone with dementia. I don't blame him.

His brother has just died!

I think some of the judgments from OP and other posters are hugely unfair here.

I haven't rtft but yeah I find that disgusting too. Absolutely vile to wash his hands of his brothers grieving widow. I couldn't be with somebody so heartless. Grief is awful and I'm sure he's suffering but that doesn't excuse his behaviour for me

I mean his not wrong. It’s also not his job to take care of his widowed sil. Maybe he will change his mind maybe he won’t. His grieving his brother.

Depending on what was being discussed, I can understand why having her there and feeling like you'll have to look after her at the same time could just be too much.

I'd cut him some slack for that one.

Saying he won't be there to support her might also just be that he is asserting his position in not being willing to become a carer. That's ok too.
I'd be disappointed if he went on to have nothing to do with her at all but only time will tell.

Probably yes - we have nothing in common with each others partners. There’s absolutely no hate or arguing amongst us but the only connection is us being siblings and if the sibling isn’t there, there’s nothing. To be honest I haven’t seen one SIL for about 4 years and we only stay 3 miles from each other. Oh and none of us siblings would expect it to be any different- it’s not just me!

I mean, if the point of the meal was to discuss how to move forward with her care/future plans then surely it wouldnt be appropriate to have her there and then talk about her in front of her?

You've given very sparse details here and I suspect there is a reason for that which makes me think there is much more to this than you are saying.

Are people missing that no one is expecting him to be a carer or practical support - he has just cut his grieving SIL out of a family dinner and said he's washing his hands of her as a person.

I'm relieved that's not how my family acts. Sad that people apparently view it as normal.

Hang on a minute, "refused to have her there" at a family meal is not exactly taking on a lifetime of caring responsibilities is it?
Is he planning on cutting her out of your family entirely? Because that would be bloody callous.

Has he form form for saying things like this/having this sort of attitude?

I hope your husband is okay and gets through this its awful to lose a love one.
Hes still grieving and its a lot to take in he needs space and time.
Dont be disgusted with him he has feelings as well as the next.
Just because he`s a man dont mean he shakes it off and moves on and takes up responsibility for someone else chin up thing.
Its also not his job to take care of his SIL he has a family of his own to take care of.
His brother has just died and your disgusted with him because he dont want to take on his SIL says more about you he needs time.
He has to process things his way we are all different.
Its a difficult time for him right now so much going on that awful feeling of never seeing his brother again never having to talk to him again His wife that is disgusted with him i feel sorry for him.
Put your self in his shoes how would you be feeling if it was you.

He doesn’t have to do a single thing for her, he’s just excluding her now that his brother has died. Presumably he wouldn’t if she didn’t have early onset dementia.

He sounds like a piece of work.

I think he's been very clear and you need to respect his choice.

I certainly wouldn't take on the care of an in-law with alzheimers. It's a brutal disease that destroys lives.

Hopefully your SIL will have good arrangements made for her soon.

Definitely. Where is her own family in all this? I do understand where he's coming from.

It doesn't surprise me that there are so many people here who think that this level of callous disregard is perfectly acceptable. But you don't have to like it, op. If you think it is dishonourable and cold then others would agree with you too. I wouldn't make any bold declarations or decisions based on his words and actions right now - but I wouldn't forget then in a hurry either.

What is making anyone thinks there are caring needs expected for the SIL?!!

As I read it, it was just about supporting her through the loss of her husband. Which the OP’s husband has no interest in doing.

It does sound as if he worded it very harshly, but TBH I can’t altogether blame him for making his position clear from the outset. Caring for someone with dementia can be, and very often is, physically and mentally utterly exhausting. I say this as someone who’s been through the whole thing twice, with both my DM and my FiL.

When my DM died last year we "inherited" her partner.
He is 83 with mild dementia and some other health problems.
One of the first things I did was tell his family that they would have to step up and help him as I wouldn't. I have never liked him, nothing major but a few things over the years and he is quite a difficult man anyway.
I am an emergency contact as I live close while they are 4 hours away but thats it, he isnt my responsibility.
In some ways its better that your DH gets this out there now and other arrangements can be made rather than just letting things slide until there is a crisis.
As for what his brother/my Mum would think - thats irrelevant really.

I agree it is a lot to take on. But dealing with person with dementia can be very challenging and stressful. It isn't his responsibility to do this if he doesn't want to. I agree he could have dealt with it in a more sensitive way. But you should absolutely not be guilt tripping in to this.

Do you think he would feel the same about you in that situation op?