To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

Who was at the meeting-what was it actually discussing?

If it was dividing up caring responsibility and he was being included in that and doesn’t want to be, I can actually understand that. Best to know what people are able and willing to commit to. Does she have her own parents/siblings/children/grandchildren/friends/neighbours?

I don't get this either- where is her family in all of this? why is it all your husband's responsibility to support her and look after her. She's in her 50s so she must have some family around surely

Why arent her own family helping her?

Are you really expecting him to take on the care of someone with early dementia who is not even a family member for the next 30 years or more?

Do you expect him to cut his work hours? pay for her care? have less time for his own kids/wife?

I think you are being rather unrealistic.

If you care so much what is stopping you with providing her with some help yourself by the way?

Your husband has just been through a traumatic time dealing with someone's illness and death and it is completely understandable that he does not want to take on more responsibilities and wants to get back to living his life.

Mot everyone has a martyr complex...

He has his boundaries and his reasons it’s up to him. He doesn’t have to commit to helping care or even support anyone if he doesn’t want to. Maybe his delivery of that was poor but you need to respect his decision. Does she have family or children ? I’m sure she can carve out her own support network or has someone who can ? Did DB not put things in place ?

Does she have her own family or friends? Does he like her? It was harsh how he worded it but unless they were close, he is correct it's not his responsibility. I wouldn't step in to care for my sister's partners tbh and I wouldn't expect them to step in to care for mine unless they wanted to.

Did DB not put things in place

This too. Surely if he knew he was ill and it was a long illness as you say it was, why didnt he put some provision/finances/care agreements in place? this should have been planned or at least thought about when he first got ill, not just left until he died to suddenly think "what are we going to do"

Starspangledrodeopony. Always good to see someone who knows the family and the exact situation coming to a coherent and thought out viewpoint. Oh wait. Its a man it must be callous and evil.

Not his family. Not his problem.

That, on the face of it, sounds incredibly callous, but people behave in very strange ways when they're grieving. Which your DH certainly will be.

Give it a bit of time, and then try again.

Usually, setting boundaries is applauded on here. That's all he's doing. During a period of grief, no less.

But sure, he must be callous and without empathy...

There is not enough information to comment.

What was the family meal about? To remember DB or discuss SIL?

If it was to discuss SIL, who else was there and what level of support was being discussed and did anyone else offer to assist or was there an assumption DH would just take over the mantle?

Does she have siblings or children?

On the face of it, the comment was not pleasant, but if my BIL were to die anytime soon, and my SIL had dementia, I wouldn't be offering to have her live with us. I would "care about" her and would want to help to get good care in place, but I wouldn't be willing to do the actual caring or foot a big bill.

What care do you expect him to provide?
I worked in Dementia care for many years it's really hard work particularly as sadly the disease progresses.

He's grieving and honestly after helping to care for my DGM but with professional and family support I wouldn't do it again.

Your life is on hold and weekends are eaten up. Doing that full time could destroy him and your family.

She needs professional support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also

If DB loved and cared that much about his wife’s welfare he would have put plans in place for her care. Rather than leaving it to just see who happened to step up at the time. Thats hardly caring and it’s unreasonable of him to leave it to chance.

It sounds to me like the OP is probably not talking about actually care, just visits, friendship and emotional support?

My guess is he's burned out after the death of his brother. Also, he may worry that if he starts visiting/doing things, it will suck him into being a carer, and that isn't appropriate. It sounds like she needs outside support and support from her own family and 'meaning well' and calling in occasionally won't be enough, and he doesn't want to give more.

I kind of get it, after a decade or so, I'm very burned out of caring within my own immediate family and I'm afraid that if more peripheral people got sick, I wouldn't be rushing in to help myself.

When you are burned out from caring (it happens in the caring/nursing professions too), it does stop you feeling empathic to others. You think 'oh no, not another one'. That's why care has to be shared out and paid for if necessary. People can give what they can give. You can make your own decision though, leave him be for now, and visit her if that's your decision.

I would also say the men I know are spectacularly worse than the women I know at stepping up to care as well, even the nice ones. They tend to shut down emotionally, especially around death, I've noticed this recently myself. Not an excuse, not ok, just explaining what I've seen.

If its that much of a concern to you and your that disgusted with him why dont you do it.
You take responsibility for her.

He has made his choice tbh i dont blame him.
Her family should be stepping in not him hes lost his brother let him be let him grieve.
Ive seen first hand when someone takes responsibility for someone else and it turns life upside down.
Ive seen marriages end because of it its not all roses.
And seen the regret from it.

She needs professional support not your husband.

My mum got selfish after losing my dad. Lasted a couple of years and I started to get her back. I did however have to call her out on a few things. I realised that my dad maybe pulled her up on things i the background.

I agree with you OP. This must be incredibly hard for your SIL - one of my loved ones experienced a bereavement in the early-middle stages of Alzheimer's, and it was made worse by how confused and disorientated she was.

I think unless there are extenuating circumstances lie abuse or whatever, families have obligations to care for each other. I don't like the "not my responsibility" attitude.

No man is an island, and I'm sure if the situations were reversed and he was the grieving widower with Alzheimer's, he would appreciate family support.

It's possibly too painful for him to see her but that doesn't stop you from being there for her, she needs support.

From personal exp, losing your DH isn't just losing your BF and partner, you lose your future. For me that was and 9 years later, still is a very hard thing to work through.

Is there something more behind this? Does he perhaps feel that she didn't treat his late brother well? Perhaps his brother confided in him about the marriage and this has affected his views?

She's sadly so young to have dementia that the road ahead will be very, very hard and maybe he feels that he doesn't want to take it on and then find he/you both can't continue to help. It's very easy to begin, but what if things happen in your lives, other family commitments, illness, etc. that make it impossible and place enormous stress on you both? How will you cope then? What if others don't 'rally round' and you are both doing it on your own?

It's probably still too early to make a final judgment on what will happen, but I do think it would be right to be cautious about what he/you both are taking on -and to have thought things through carefully.

I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

What extra support are you thinking of here @Sweetcherrypiee ? Why do you see this as being the sole responsibility of your husband?

Whilst what your husband has said may sound brutal it is not, are you really expecting him to sign up to caring and supporting his SIL with dementia for the rest of her life? You could be talking about 30 plus years that is one hell of a commitment to place on someone shoulders. Dementia is dreadful and caring for someone who has dementia is all encompassing and soul sapping if he were to do this it would take a terrible toll not only on him but on your family life, is that what you want?

Your husband is correct SIL is not his responsibility other solutions and options need to be found. He has been honest that he cannot and will not take on that burden and that is to his credit.

The problem is, what starts as friendship and emotional support can very, very quickly become caring responsibilities. Maybe he's worried about doing the former and getting sucked into doing the latter.

Grief is horrible and affects everyone differently. Don’t judge him, give him time and space to grieve.

Yes, but people with little or no direct experience of dementia so often fail to understand such issues. Heaven preserve us from such people when they try to tell those at the sharp end what they ought to be doing, or how they ought to be behaving.
There are alas an awful lot of clueless ‘experts’ trying to give the benefit of their superior ‘wisdom’ to people who are actually coping with dementia.