To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

Yes but he’s said after the funeral that’s it, he doesn’t want any more contact or to see her again so it is cutting her out

He's entitled to say that. He's only her BIL.

Okay well if you're determined to be disgusted despite everyone explaining and you saying that you understood, then keep on with it. OTOH you could see that his actions so far have been fair enough and wait to see how it pans out, and, as many have said, if you're so sad and keen to include her, do it yourself.

And just because that's his choice, doesn't mean you have to. If you don't want to cut her out, don't.

Again, doesn't mean you can't see her. Respect his boundaries. Seriously.

He's grieving. You cant really take decisions made in grief set in stone. When my mum died, my dad told me he was immediately moving away. I was a bit hurt as I am the only family he had left. He didnt actually do it- it was the grief talking.
I suspect he was also concerned that he'd end up being her next of kin and carer which as you've seen, has happened to lots of people in this thread when it's simply too much for them.

You seem very fixated on painting him as the bad guy in this scenario which is very unfair as he's just lost his brother.

That was my OP. It felt cold to drop her like that. I’ve said I now understand more after reading the replies

Not everyone wants to keep in touch with their in-laws no matter how long they've known them.

Tbh there seems to be a communication problem going on. No further care as been arranged by SS. She’s just been left basically

My SIL has been married to my brother for almost 20 years - if he died tomorrow I'd never see her again, apart from weddings and funerals and no way would I be dropping in to see to her if she had dementia.

What no carers going in at all? you need to raise a safeguarding concern then.

That's on your now-deceased BIL. It's a shame, but it is what it is.

I thought she had carers for 45 mins every day and was beating them black and blue and being nasty?

Again, this could be because your BIL told them that you and your husband were looking after her. If he told them that, then thats what they will have down on their records which is exactly why we keep saying over and over again that you need to make it crystal clear she has noone.

Who said she was beating them black and blue?? She was aggressive in her tone towards them. She didn’t want them there and became quite hostile. No physical aggression. They were calling in whilst her husband was in the nursing home but that has stopped and no one has been

I’m not sure if that’s because she’s refused the care. There is no POA or anything

Who said she was beating them black and blue?? She was aggressive in her tone towards them. She didn’t want them there and became quite hostile. No physical aggression. They were calling in whilst her husband was in the nursing home but that has stopped and no one has been

You need to ring Adult social care immediately. This is why your husband doesnt want to get involved - cant you see that? he knows if he starts going in, he will end up doing absolutely everything for her. OMG how many times does this have to be said???

So your BIL who was "so worried about her" didnt arrange POA and he didnt arrange any care for her at all.

Wow. Just wow.

OP, with all the respect in the world, your husband appears to be the only one not sitting arse in the air whilst inhaling the sand. He knows that accepting responsibility for her will be beyond his or your capabilities. I can understand you’re probably in quite a bit of shock, your Bil has died and your Sil is very ill but if you truly cared you would stop laying blame on your grieving husband, you’d contact social services and get her the help she desperately needs, then you can carry on with contact that only involves popping in for hot beverages.

Who would be the POA though?

@Sweetcherrypiee why did you deliberately paint your husband in such a negative and nasty light in your opening post? Why did you deliberately leave out pertinent details? Did you just want a load of anonymous internet randoms on here to vilify your husband? If so, why?

I’m not sure I would want to support my in-laws with dementia if my siblings died. I’d go and see them, of course, but I would expect their family to make provision for care and support and if no family then SS would have to step in. If you are worried, OP, you could contact them but surely they know if she has been receiving care up to this point.

If there is no family or friends able to take it on, you can arrange for a solicitor to take this on. They will arrange care payments/pay care agencies/nursing homes if self funding etc The problem is, when someone has lost capacity to agree to it, its an absolute nightmare to get it after they have lost capacity, you then have to go to via the court of protection to apply for it and that can take months and months and it involves doctors certifying that the client is incapable of managing their own money. It's FAR easier to do it before it gets that bad and it's incredibly remiss of the BIL not to have done this as this is going to now be one huge headache.

The problem is, when someone has lost capacity to agree to it, its an absolute nightmare to get it after they have lost capacity,

Well yes this is what I was thinking.

I'm not sure of timelines but obvs it would have been BIL initially but then when he became ill if SIL had already lost capacity to some extent it's hard to add another.

I think people often have two but even if this had arranged before SIL became ill it could have been that neither Op or her husband wanted to do it.

I think people often have two but even if this had arranged before SIL became ill it could have been that neither Op or her husband wanted to do it

Yes thats true- if they don't agree to it then you have no choice and it will be court of protection route after the fact. However, what is concerning here is that everything is so vague and nebulous. Noone seems to have discussed this prior and noone knows what's going on. If she wouldnt agree to POA then why didnt the BIL mention this to anyone?- I just find it bizarre that everyone is apparently so worried about her and yet noone has done anything, nothing has been discussed and everyone seems to be fumbling around in the dark.