To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

His brother has just died and your disgusted with him because he dont want to take on his SIL says more about you he needs time.

Speaking as someone whose brother has also just died, I think his attitude is appalling.
I can't imagine treating my poor devastated sister in law in such a cold fashion. She will remain a valued member of our family.

Early onset dementia is brutal, a friend of a friend's husband developed it in his late 30s. It led to violence, inappropriate sexual behaviour and a lot of issues that his wife could not deal with on her own. Remember we are not talking about frail little old people that may be violent or need toileting but physically healthy people in early middle age.

I mean- he’s right, she isn’t his responsibility, but we weren’t there to hear the context or how he said it.

Does she have children/ other family? How much responsibility was he being asked to take and how much help does she need?

Yanbu. I take it you’re not talking about physical care, just being around. As someone on the receiving end of this as a teen when my father died, it was incredibly upsetting to have just been forgotten. Losing the wonderful relationship I had with my much younger cousin, who is the child of my father’s brother and doesn’t remember me from then at all was another layer of grief. You can, however, choose to still see your sil.

I think it's fair enough.

It's one thing to keep in touch and visit but it's entirely another to have caring or legal responsibility for someone with dementia.

My Dad had to refuse to take responsibility for his DB and then when he died for his DSIL. Instead professional care services had to get involved and an appropriate care package put in place.

You as a family don't want to get dragged into caring for someone, a proper plan needs to be put in place for her needs. He wouldn't have to cut all ties but be very clear what you as a family won't take responsibility for.

He hasn't said that's not the case.

He's just said she's not his responsibility. That doesn't mean he won't be kind to her and still keep in touch.

Bit of a difference between your SIL and your wife

Seriously? You read what I wrote and interpreted that as ‘taking on care and support’ rather than normal taking an interest to make sure someone is doing ok? I’d do that for a neighbour!

I'd be thinking about if I wanted to continue a relationship with somone lacking empathy.

He's just said she's not his responsibility. That doesn't mean he won't be kind to her and still keep in touch.

Excluding her from a family event doesn't suggest any intention to be kind and stay in touch.

I think what it comes down to is does the SIL still know who all of you are? Could she cope with a meal?

Do you always invite your in-laws to every single family event?

I kinda agree with him. I’m not an uncaring person and I do a lot of things to help others and strangers but I think there’s a lot of pressure out there to pull your weight altruistically, often to a detriment of one’s own mental health. Caring for a loved one with such an illness is very hard work so I can imagine in his heightened grief for his brother he is panicking that it’s all going to be on him and he made no such “in sickness and in health” vows to this woman.
He probably does care for her but doesn’t want to set a precedent, he’s laying healthy boundaries for himself in perhaps a clunky and blunt way.

I'm not suggesting he takin her care single handed. But to now wash his hands of her is so sad. There's middle ground.

My dad and his brother had an uncle, the husband of their dad's sustwho was last remaining member of that gereration. His own child didn't live close they did loads for him in his later years. Family aren't a blood thing.

I cannot imagine taking over care for my sibling’s spouse if my sibling died either. She is not his responsibility, it really is for her own family members to step in now.

Honestly? I'd be deeply concerned about his 'relation only by marriage' attitude, too, which is what this is. ANd it's what you are, too, OP. Plus, tbh, men statistically aren't as good as women at 'sticking around' when their spouses become seriously ill to support them, in spite of promises made to be there.

I'm not suggesting he takin her care single handed

Well, OP hasn't mentioned anyone else stepping up so it could well be the burden is on him and him alone. The OP is also non blood family just like him, so nothing to stop her helping out too but she hasn't mentioned that either

When you say, a meeting to discuss things, was it in fact a meeting to discuss who would care for sil? In which case depending on her capacity, your DH was right not to want her there, particularly if he knew he was going to have to refuse to take responsibility for her. Not a conversation to have while she's sitting there.

I'm not suggesting he takin her care single handed. But to now wash his hands of her is so sad. There's middle ground.

He hasn't said he's going to "wash his hands of her". Just that she's not his responsibility. Which is fair enough.

I think this thread illustrates why as a society we don’t trust each other and poor mental health is so high.

The fact that you can cut off someone who has been part of your family for over 30 years, who your deceased relative would want you to look out for, who is grieving and alone and just ‘wash your hands of her’, and get supported for that by others who say ‘well she’s not your responsibility’. Utterly disgusting. What a breakdown in human connectedness that people think like this.

You don’t have to become a 24/7 carer to make sure someone has the support they need and, importantly, to keep in touch and let them know they are cared for.

And yes, I do know what dementia is like. My mum is in the end stages and has had dementia for 20 years. Luckily we had distant relatives step up rather than step away when my dad died. Unless OPs sister is quite advanced in her dementia she will be well aware of being cut off and it will hurt her greatly. What a cruel thing to do to someone who has just lost her life partner.

@againstthestorm he hasn't said he's going to cut her off.

As PP have said, not wanting to provide care for somebody doesn't equal washing your hands of them.

Maybe he is still not thinking straight whilst he's grieving; but whether or not he likes/loves his SIL at all, he knows that his DB did.

If he'd said "I can't/won't be her carer", I'd be behind him 100%. It's extremely tough work and not always something that can be provided by anybody outside of a professional setting. That's completely different from effectively saying "I DON'T care about her".

OP, what was the relationship like with DH and SIL, pre dementia/bereavement?

Was any provision made for SIL's care in BIL's will? Given he was ill for a long time, he likely had time to think about this issue and plan for it as far as possible.

FWIW, I think you should cut your H a bit of slack over his feelings about SIL at the moment. Bereavement is horribly stressful and he likely doesn't have the capacity to think about it at the moment. Give him time.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’.
So was the meal for everyone else to tell him she was? Did he say noone else was to offer her support/be her carer? Where's her family in all of this?