To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

Your DH and his brother are very alike. Both of them decided this poor woman with a progressive disease wasn't their problem to sort. I hope your own children have a kinder attitude in case you ever need help getting care in the future.

Why is it OP's husbands issue to sort out? Have you missed all the posters saying how he'll get dragged in by social services if he doesn't make it clear he can't help?

My sister is probably getting dementia and my husband said no way would he do anything for her in the way of care but then she is a right cow so I don't blame him. He might not feel close enough to her to be able to deal with it.

Was everyone concentrating on BIL, especially as he had family, and in the meantime she was deteriorating?

But social services aren’t even aware of her situation by the sounds of it. If my neighbour was in her position I would be contacting social services, why can’t DH do that?

So who was SS contact? Who was the contact for yeh carers?

It makes no sense. They arranged care as he couldn’t live there and they knew he would die. Someone will be the contact they call if a carer couldn’t come. Or they need to discuss things or she gets worse.

If SS are involved then contact them and tell them he has died and there’s no one to look after her. Who was doing her food shopping? Making sure bills were paid?

You skirted the issue that your Bil didn’t make plans for her, you skirted the topic of what your dh is expected, you skirted the issue of the emotional blackmail put on your dh to look after her, now the family dinner ‘to discuss things’ was just you, your husband and your children. Children who don’t need to have a sit down dinner to discuss their uncles funeral arrangements. Or have any place in a discussion about someone care needs. You even flip flop on how bad she is. So bad, bil needed to go into a care home. But actually fine to look after herself.

The set up of carers, makes no sense. Neither does the set up of SS. Or their involvement. Or the lack of someone they consider the contact to discuss things. Or the fact that no one else has been involved but she has managed to feed herself, food shop, and all the other things she need to do outside 2 short visits a day.

You either have no clue what’s been going on and been avoiding the issue and now just getting involved to place judgement on your husband. Or you are purposely missing huge parts out.