To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

Support doesn’t necessarily mean be a carer

This.

YABU.

What do you think he should do?

His views don’t say anything about how he might feel should you become ill . There’s a big difference between a spouse and a sibling’s spouse.

I don’t buy all the ‘it’s the grief talking’ stuff. He’s just a very selfish man.

This is not untypical of some men. Just look at all the men who, once they have decided to split from their wives, treat them like absolute shit and try to rip them off. Or try to get out of paying for maintenance for their own kids. Your H is in this mould of man.

some people view their relationships with others entirely in terms of what they get out of them. His SIL no longer has utility to him, in fact she’s a cost, so he’s cutting her out.

That’s the person he is.

Hopefully the SIL's children will be in her corner and make sure her own affairs are taken care of.
Your husband could have accepted her having a meal with you all. Inviting her carer or child along also would have given the clear signal that your husband will not be acting as her carer.

Maybe he is feeling the loss of his brother and seeing the SIL would make it too raw??

So, what exactly are you expecting him to do?- help her with shopping/help her with washing/getting to doctors appointments, take on LPOA, - exactly what does this help actually entail because there is a huge difference between "support" and "care".

If it were me, I have kids and a demanding full time job so there is no way I'd be physically able to support someone who wasn't my actual family - where would I have the time to do that along with responsibilities for my own family?

Unless you have experience helping someone with dementia you have absolutely no idea just how stressful it can be- people have had nervous breakdowns from it. Wife of deceased brother is not remotely the same as caring for your actual wife and its ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

I also note that you don't mention if you have offered to help him with this or are you expecting it to be all on his shoulders?

What stage to dementia is this woman at? What care does she need?

I've said it before but the model of one person doing potentially 24/7 isn't sustainable, she may need proper round the clock care by multiple people in a safe, stable set up.

Keep in touch to see how she’s doing.
Let her know she’s not forgotten about or uncared for.
Make sure social services are aware of her needs.
Pop in, if they live close, to keep an eye on how she is doing.
The normal things you’d expect a relative to do for someone grieving or in need.

OP hasn’t said what the meal with other family was for or about, nor how SIL’s health is currently. Nor what kind of ‘support’ she envisaged her H providing for SIL.

Nor what relatives SIL has.

It’s not disgusting, it’s just matter of fact. Why should he look after his SiL? Are you going to look after her? I’ve yet to experience anyone with dementia but I know people who have and it drains them in every way possible.

No, but you can easily start by offering basic support/friendship and get pulled into providing much more.

It's not really his responsibility - I wouldn't expect my BIL's to offer me any care or support if DH died

This. Men are seven times more likely to leave their spouse in the wake of a cancer diagnosis than vice versa. This could be grief or he could be demonstrating to you his lack of inclination or capability to care for others when the chips are down.

Support doesn’t necessarily mean be a carer

Social services don't see it that way unfortunately. If someone has "support" they will palm everything they can off onto them to avoid helping. I've had experience of this. Once they know one person is "supportive" they will try to get that person to do everything and you have to literally say to them no, I cannot do it, in order for them to provide any help.

The language is telling of course, OP. Is he always so brutal?

So no inclination to invest a modicum of care for the outcome of her future, after having known her for decades and after she was married to his brother? That's your version of normal?

To be honest, I would be thinking the same thing as your DH although I might not be as blunt
I had similar with MIL. DH & his siblings got together to discuss her needs, compare notes etc, and I chose not to join them - specifically because, as the female relative living closest to her , I knew they would look to me to do the lions share - that was already happening.
He is not wrong to be clear that it’s not his responsibility but hopefully he can offer some support ( not care) when he is in a better place.

He's just watched his brother go through a long illness and then die.

I really don't blame him for wanting to protect himself at the moment.

Dementia care is very difficult and emotionally draining.

I've known lots of people for decades but I wouldn't want to provide care for them.

I wouldn't be be as blunt as to say it like that to someone's face though.

I don’t see the problem apart from it being a bit blunt. She’s not his responsibility- maybe he’s never liked her? Maybe it’s grief - who knows but ultimately there’s no connection for him now.

You sound like the funeral is yet to occur.
I think it is very nasty of your husband to ignore the existance of your SIL when having a family meal at this sad time.
If I were BIL's children and poorly wife I would make the funeral wake private.
Would your husband like to be ghosted and not invited?

Sharing a meal out of care and sympathy is very different from agreeing to care for a Dementia relative.

But she's not his responsibility any more than she is yours. Also, have you told him you'll help him care for her- are you willing to help too as if you are going along the lines of "she's family" then she is also YOUR family too isnt she- so will you also be helping her/caring for her?

DP has had four terms of cancer with me and he’s not left yet and is doing a bloody amazing job of looking after me. Can’t see him ever looking after any of my siblings though- nor would I look after his.

But would you exclude them from family events and shake off any association with them?

He's right.