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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won’t let me change jobs

189 replies

myexismean · 15/03/2024 22:27

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

OP posts:
comfyoldcardi · 15/03/2024 22:32

I guess it is a case of finding someone else to stay with dc, or negotiate a different night to sleep over for the job. You know now that he just wants to control you and will always try to undermine you, so don't tell him anything about your work/ life again. If you manage to find an alternative solution don't tell him.

Ponderingwindow · 15/03/2024 22:35

You could hire someone to watch the children while you work.
if he cares more about his children than controlling you, he will acquiesce and change the schedule. If he doesn’t, you will still have your new job, albeit without as much increase in disposable income as originally hoped. In the long run though it may be worthwhile

Original poster
myexismean · 15/03/2024 22:37

The post involves teaching an A level class once a week. The night can’t be changed as these people have been attending on the same night since the start of their course. The other lessons are all between the hours of 9 and 4.

OP posts:
Original poster
myexismean · 15/03/2024 22:39

Ponderingwindow · 15/03/2024 22:35

You could hire someone to watch the children while you work.
if he cares more about his children than controlling you, he will acquiesce and change the schedule. If he doesn’t, you will still have your new job, albeit without as much increase in disposable income as originally hoped. In the long run though it may be worthwhile

I have tried but can’t find anyone to do this. I have no friends close by and my mum lives too far away.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/03/2024 22:39

You have to sleep over to teach A levels ?

Original poster
myexismean · 15/03/2024 22:41

Because I have to teach at a different campus

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/03/2024 22:42

Sureky it s a evening class ? Just get regular evening babysitter

easilydistracted1 · 15/03/2024 22:43

I occasionally do some work with an agency called sitters. They only take on qualified childcarers or people with significant experience. They do overnight and evening bookings. I'm sure there are local babysitting agencies that do that too. Your ex is totally pathetic but at least you know that now rather than being mucked around at the last minute. You only have a few months where the current group would be finishing then you could change the date from September? Or is it another academic year too?

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2024 22:44

myexismean · 15/03/2024 22:41

Because I have to teach at a different campus

Do they not provide a room to sleep in on campus? Surely a sitter on campus is a solution

titchy · 15/03/2024 22:44

myexismean · 15/03/2024 22:41

Because I have to teach at a different campus

A different campus which is in a different country? Confused

Even if it's an hour or two away surely teaching would be done by 9.30 and you'd be home for midnight? Which is babysitter territory.

NaomhPadraigin · 15/03/2024 22:47

titchy · 15/03/2024 22:44

A different campus which is in a different country? Confused

Even if it's an hour or two away surely teaching would be done by 9.30 and you'd be home for midnight? Which is babysitter territory.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's what I don't get 🤔
What A level class means you can't pick up your DC until 6am??

SD1978 · 15/03/2024 22:48

You'll need to hire an overnight sitter, you're saying that there is no way to be able to drive back after the class, which presumably finishes at 9? I'd also make absolutely no accommodations for him in the future, as it has to be a two way street

RandomMess · 15/03/2024 22:48

What's going to happen if you don't pick them up?

Starlightstarbright3 · 15/03/2024 22:54

Look at somewhere like childcare.co.uk.

i would tell him you plan to use agency to cover .. see what happens .

i also can’t fathom why you can’t make it home either

TuliLily · 15/03/2024 22:56

No you can't force him to have them overnight if that's what you are asking, my ex has never had our children overnight and we split 7 years ago would love to know how you could force someone to do that

Hankunamatata · 15/03/2024 22:57

Friend got a lady who worked in local daycare by private arrangement. She made up a bed so lady could sleep.

Doyoumind · 15/03/2024 23:02

I really don't understand why you can't get a babysitter and come home on the Monday night. How can the other location be so far away you can't return at night but can be back to collect the DC at 6am?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 23:14

I'm not suggesting it at all but I'm just wondering what would happen if you did what lots of dads seem to and just don't go and get the kids that night. Would you pay him maintenance for that extra night?

TuliLily · 15/03/2024 23:15

If she just didn't collect them I'm guessing he wouldn't have them the following week when he knows what's going to happen 🤷‍♀️so op would only be making it worse for herself

Copperoliverbear · 15/03/2024 23:30

What about a babysitter or night nanny

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2024 23:35

That’s a bit disingenuous. He’s not stopping you from changing jobs. He’s refusing to change the current schedule. He’s not stopping you using other options.

If you were relying on him accommodating the hours you want you could have discussed it with him before applying for the job.

Ponderingwindow · 16/03/2024 02:16

I don’t understand this. It’s teaching? How far away is it that you can’t get home that night? Even if it is very late, a late night sitter is much easier to find than an overnight sitter.

Meadowfinch · 16/03/2024 02:29

OP, contact the nearest college that does level 3 childcare courses. Advertise with their careers service and on their job board for a one-night-a-week babysitter. There will be a student or even a tutor who will be grateful for an extra bit of money.

Don't let him stop you.

Beezknees · 16/03/2024 06:26

No, you can't force him unfortunately.

I'd look at alternative childcare.

DodgeDoggie · 16/03/2024 06:36

You either find childcare or tell your prospective employee you’re able to do all the day time work but sadly your ex is refusing to have the children Monday night making it difficult to sleep over and be absent from home.