Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

This is a good idea.

There is absolutely no sense in turning the job down if you can change the day in September.

Realistically by the time they've checked references etc, you've sorted out all of the details etc, this problem only applies to a handful of weeks. You can probably slow this process down a bit by saying you have a long notice period on your current job.

Call your mum or a close friend and beg them to come and do the first two for you so that you aren't stressed the first weeks. Tell (don't ask) your ex that your mum is picking up. Ex is then in a position that he has one of two options - refuse and keep the kids (totally fine) or give them to your mum (also totally fine). Then pay a babysitter for the next few giving ex the same choice. If you get any holiday at all use it on a couple of these days too to reduce how many of these there are to cover.

If it all messes up between ex and the babysitter, you'll at least have done the first two evenings with no problem (plus all of your day time hours) so won't get sacked if you have to call in a problem. If that happens be really really honest that its tricky until September but fine after that. From september do the late class on a day when ex has the kids.

Don’t tell your new employer about your ex, terrible advice

Don’t turn the job down. He’s still abusing you.

It’s only 10weeks and A levels will be over for this year anyway. Get a sitter for those weeks and change the days for next year.

You use a babysitter who collects children from fathers house teatime Monday. Feeds them puts them to bed sleeps over until you are home. I’d drive home not stay at campus so you can be home about 2ish. You can contact your local colleges to find a student , as you must know if you work in a college? That will get you from now until June as under 3 months of Monday nights. Then you choose a different night if necessary but personally I’d leave it as this as really easy to organise and if the children are in bed by 9 the childminder only has to be downstairs or asleep until you are home during the night.

Cannot believe though that you are going to not take a job nearer home because of just needing a babysitter for a few hours. Also cannot believe you work 4hours away that’s insane tbh.

I was a lone parent with no help but you can find really great childcare if you contact the colleges.

Why?

Take the job.

Tell him - I cannot pick the children up on Mondays anymore. You can choose to have them overnight and I’ll collect at 7am, or I will engage a sitter in my home so you’ll need to bring them back to my house for 7.30pm.

Don't turn the job down, get an overnight babysitter as PPs suggested and tell him either he hands them over to the babysitter or keeps them, either way you can still work. Don't let him control you, how the kids ate cared for on your time is your decision. Babysitter could walk them the two mjns from his house to yours. You could have babysitter come when you're there the first time so kids can get uses to them/you can check them out.

Don’t turn down the job. If a childminder turns up to collect the children and he won’t let them go, they’re going to have to spend the night with him (obv tell him that someone else is collecting!).
If there are not genuine reasons for him saying no, then that’s really unfair.
Stand your ground.

100% this!

He doesn't get to dictate that he will only let the children leave his house to you!!!

If it is 'your' night & they are to overnight at yours, absolutely, as others have said, get the childcare to pick up from his at 4/6/8 pm. Walk to yours, settle into bed.

You get home whenever, pay childcare, go to bed.

There's no judge in the land that will find that you're not doing your parental duty on 'your' nights in doing this, so that's his choice... have them that night or let them be taken to yours by a qualified childcarer.

Don't turn down the job ffs - put the decision in front of someone rational if he won't pick one of the two.

And yes, do all the communication in writing so the court has evidence for a quick review & it won't cost megabucks.

@myexismean

I am turning the new job down and will just accept it. He wins again.

he wins again because you let him, you have options and you could also stand up to him

There is no way in hell I would let him stop me accepting a job I really wanted, I would figure something out

Write down a list of viable options that other MN commenters have suggested and review each one

It is completely ridiculous and unacceptable that he won’t let anyone but you collect the kids from his place…..there is no way in hell I would be accepting that, a childminder can collect him or alternatively if you paid him a small fee ( to look after his own children!!) would he have them for the night

If you get a babysitter and he refuses to hand them over and phones the police/reports to social services what do you think the outcome will be?

He could drag you back to court and try and get a CAO that you collect.

Things will not go his way.

So you work to support your DC and use appropriate childcare. He will be laughed at!

He can insist on XYZ but you don't need to abide by it.

see I think I know what you’re doing here. It’s a form of passive self sabotage. Don’t let him win!! You’ll feel a lot stronger if you don’t take this easy way out and just say “see? He’s won.” There’s been a lot of good advice given here, at least take it. If he’s being difficult just make the necessary arrangements as if you had to do it yourself. This post has really irked me! It seems like you’ve found lots of excuses why you can’t take this new job and the exH is a convenient one. Do it, otherwise you’ll be in the same position this time next year and the year after, getting more and more resentful. I may sound harsh and it’s not my intention to bully

He hasn't won anything near as much as you won, when you broke up.

And as the kids get older you'll have less and less to do with him, and he'll have no way to mess your life up at all. Enjoy not being with him.

If it is only 10 weeks and A levels will be over, let's not forget there are 2 bank holiday Mondays in May, and the Easter holidays are approaching us - that must be another 2 Mondays ! but actually you wouldn't be starting until after Easter would you ?

This is a very good point. I was also wondering if you could teach the class online? In any case do not pander to your ex. Who made him the boss? You could refuse to co parent entirely until a court decides on the arrangements. Two can play his game. Good luck and well done on getting the job!

At first I thought that you possibly were working late one night and early the following morning, but you say you could be home for 6 am. You need to get an evening sitter and get yourself home later.
But then you need to be totally inflexible with him if he wants to change arrangements EVER and tell him why.

Why? She can’t force him to have the kids overnight from any legal perspective, that’s not how it works

"The trouble is that my ex is refusing to take them anywhere and wants me to pick them up. He wouldn’t let anyone other than me take them."

Well that's his problem then. If he won't hand them over to someone, he'll have to keep them until you can collect.

OP
If he's not allowing anyone to pick him up, it's time to go down the court route

With the extra £10k you could book overnight childcare.

He isn't really winning OP.

You can change it if you really want to for some reason you don't want to take any of the advice given here.

Deathbyfluffy yes and it shouldn't. I had to totally change my career thanks to me ex behaving like this. I've managed to be quite successful but it's not been easy and it was all about control.
I've never budged on a thing since.
I hope you can sort it op but sadly you may have to turn this job down

I can understand him refusing to change nights (frustrating as it is) but I don’t think he has the right to not hand over to childcare arranged by you. If your time starts at (say) 8pm, a babysitter could collect from him and walk DC to your house, then stay until you get back? It sounds like the sleeping over at school is optional. You could leave after the lesson finishes and be back by midnight-ish?

You clearly don’t want the job if you’re turning down every single viable suggestion to make it work. Wallowing in self pity doesn’t make everyone else more sympathetic.