Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

All of those people saying just get a babysitter or an all night nanny - the OP's new job is an extra £10k a year but in real terms that is a net increase of probably £600 a month. It would hardly be worth doing if you had to pay for an evening or night babysitter every week, and someone to transport them home before babysitting them

That’s really shortsighted. OP said there is a chance of rejigging the day come Sept. Even if not, and she is only breaking even, it’s still worth it for extra pension, general career progression and the fact her kids won’t be kids forever and easier to already be on a rung on the ladder than at the bottom of it not even starting the climb.

How old are the children?

Say you take the job, you book a babysitter who can drive and who is insured to drive for work.

Your children have met the sitter and know she (probably a she) is collecting them.

You go to work and the sitter turns up what can he realistically do?

Send the sitter away and keep them overnight? Fine.

Call the police because you are working, have arranged suitable, qualified childcare but he doesn't like it?

Well if you've learned anything from this, it's not to be accommodating to your ex anymore OP.

We use Sitters regularly - never had any issues, everyone has been decent.

this is about control, emotional and financial. I would look at another legal forum for advice

For what? You know no matter what legal forum she looks at no judge or court in the land is going to make her ex have the kids any more than he wants to. It doesn't work like that.

I hope you have this on writing. You need to employ a temporary babysitter from school to end of your work shift.

He can then either have them another day - or he can pay half the cost.

He’s evening unreasonable - more pay for you long term will be better for the children.

He may be unwilling to have he checked Karen overnight but he does not get to dictate he childcare arrangements you make during your time with them.

I agree with PP you need to stop worrying about it. Hire a baby sitter to either be at home or collect them and tell your ex those are the arrangements. If he's not happy you will collect them at 6am.

What's he going to do put them out on the street rather than deliver them home to a babysitter or hand them over to a babysitter from his house? Either he cooperates or has the children overnight.

No, it is fair to call him an arse hole. They'll be in bed anyway & she can pick them up at 6am, so he doesn't even have to get them ready in the morning. That's controlling arsehoke naterual

& yep I'm confused why she needs it too, but so far only read as far as your post.

Are you asking him to swap a night, or offering an extra night, because the two are different.

I am lucky enough to have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex, and we are both flexible on arrangements, but if he wanted to make a permanent change to the arrangements I would need to think it through carefully, I wouldn't instantly say yes - and I respect and like him .....

If he offered me an extra night with dd I would be MUCH more likely to say yes, than if he just wanted me to swap around the nights I have her.

If he won't take them anywhere and won't let a sitter pick them up then he keeps them then doesn't he? As you will be in work.
Also if its September thuis starts you may have time to go back to court to get an order that he releases them into the care of the sitter or takes them home.

I don't know what the immediate solution is for you op but over the long term I would be very careful to not give him any information about your life, or maybe give him some disinformation so that you can work things in your favor.
And don't do any flavours for him unless he does favours for you. Keep a very strict account and make sure he doesn't get more than he is due. Expect and anticipate that he will exploit any situation to his advantage if he can- so don't give him the opportunity.

I’m struggling to understand why you need to stay away overnight but can still be back for 6am the next day?! Or what kind of a level class takes place in the middle of the night?

Hire a babysitter and drive home after the evening class. Tell your ex that he either drops them at yours with the sitter, or he keeps them overnight.

I'm assuming the DC need to be home in bed before the OP could pick them up after her late night.

The night sitter is only needed until September, and then op can work a different night. Short term inconvenience, it’s worth it even if the night sitter costs that until September. OP will feel that 600 after that.

I wouldn’t be reducing maintenence unless he has the overnight and it’s at least the figure set by CMS. Why should she?

He would be entitled to reduce the maintenance if he is having them for an extra night anyway 🤷‍♀️.

Not necessarily. It depends how many nights a week he has them (I might have missed this!). One extra night a week doesn’t always change the CMS figure.

Plus it would only be until September. From memory CMS go by nights per year. Depending on how many Monday teaching nights are left this could be 22 nights at the most or as few as 14.

Email your ex back. Point out all the times when you’ve changed contact days/times for him and say that you’re unlikely to be as accommodating in future - but don’t say it like that (put something like - it would be a shame to have to change the current level of cooperation we have regarding contact).

you could consider taking him to court - plenty of men have contact times based on their shifts.

getting a sitters babysitter to pick up, isn’t an option - they don’t do that. Only babysit in your own home.

Astronomy? 🤣

I’m dying to know the class times too. When I did night school 20-odd years ago, the latest finish of classes was 9pm and none of the staff commuted hours and hours to teach there.

Yes but commuting one hour would still be way too late to put the DC to bed - I'm sure 9pm already feels too late

I'm not understanding why you can't get home. Using a good sitter service they could pick kids up from ex, bring them home, into bed and you come home at whatever time.

Why is this not feasible can you explain?

You need to be independent of your exhb.

If he won’t let anyone else pick them up, then surely by default he’s making the decision to keep them overnight.
“Ex, I’ve got a new job, so a sitter will collect them from yours on Monday”
“No, I won’t let anyone else pick them up”
”Ok no problem, I’ll get them Tuesday morning then”

Exactly this !

Why not just get an overnight baby sitter for your DC on Monday nights? You could either advertise as you would for a regular babysitter or you could use an agency. If you can make an extra £10k each year paying for an overnight baby sitter would be well worthwhile. Just remember when he wants a favour OP.

As PP have said you need to look for childcare options. Try using a professional childcare service (then they shouldn't let you down as they need to find cover) or if there is a local college ask there for someone who is on a relevant course. Once you have overcome that he has stopped controlling you - so I think it would be a huge win (beyond this one time child care issue). Good luck.