Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

Well, that’s the end of any flexibility concessions towards him then.

But the arrangement was made by him. I only agreed to trial it for 3 months and then trial my way. I didn’t like how it worked and told him and he said we can’t change it. Who made him boss?

I am turning the new job down and will just accept it. He wins again.

well that's your choice, there was lots and lots of good advice on this thread for you to take.

This is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

This thread has lots of suggestions that you could try. And if the class changes in September it's a very short term problem.
Have you asked the school to wait till new school year for you?

You. You made him boss by giving him this power.

There are easy solutions to this but you are giving into him ffs.

I've had contact struggles for years with an abusive and difficult ex so I do feel qualified to say this.

He doesn’t actually have any say in this. If you send a babysitter to collect them he has to let them go. If he chooses not to then surely that’s problem solved anyway. They stay with him.

You’re giving him too much power here. He doesn’t have to change schedule but he can’t stop you from making alternative arrangements for the dc.

Sorry hasn’t seen this before I posted but surely the point still stands. You’ve had lots of great suggestions for babysitting options. He can choose not to facilitate it but he can’t actually dictate your life. Don’t let him win. Get the babysitter and tell him they are going to be collecting on this day from now on.

Agree with PP, get the babysitter and see if they will pick the kids up from his if he is unwilling to walk the 2 mins to your house. If he refuses to let anyone pick them up or drop them off then he will have to have them overnight won't he? He can't have it all ways.
You would be mad to turn it down before exhausting all options. TELL HIM he has 3 options. That's plenty.

I'd be half tempted to 'act how a man would act' and do the job and let him deal with it. Men don't ask permission for job, even if it was declined they'd still go ahead and do it regardless, they know a mother isn't going to leave her kids alone as such.

It isn't court ordered contact he cannot force it being you to collect.

Get a babysitter to start picking up. Stop letting him control you via the DC.

It's ridiculous to turn down this job when it is so much better than the commute you currently have.

He is still abusing you and the DC. I decent Dad would have them overnight so they could be in bed earlier all this is just to punish you.

Ask at your nearest college if they have a second year childcare student who’d do an evening babysitting. They’ll have done a first aid course, and have plenty of training under their belt.

Don't turn it down yet, like others have suggested see if you can find a suitable babysitter. Look at options before you turn it down.
There's plenty of time x

I think a solicitor's letter putting it in writing and suggesting you are happy to put custody arrangements through the court might do it. Please don't let him dictate your life like this.

Again courts can't force him to have extra contact or any contact why don't people on MN understand this?

I wonder if you hired a babysitter if they'd be able to pick up the kids if you live so close by?
Also what would he do if you didn't pick them up? Presumably he'd either drop them home with the babysitter or let them stay over? Maybe then he'd be a bit more amenable to changing the arrangement if there really is no reason other than spite not to.

If he wouldn’t let anyone other than yo7 take them, then he’ll have to keep them overnight then won’t he. Sounds like a win.

Again courts can't force him to have extra contact or any contact why don't people on MN understand this?

No they can’t but they can decide he’s being unreasonable and not acting in the children’s best interests for the sake of a sleep over or a babysitter.

Tell him you stayed near and travel for work, but since he does not want to compromise, that your considering move....
After all life does not have to always go his way....

And what do you think they will do about it? They won't think he is "out of order" he doesn't have to have the children so the op can work.

Don't turn down the job. If it's only until June then try and find a way, babysitter for the one night. It would be worth paying a lot.

You clearly need to move somewhere near to where you work, and/or close to your new job.

I think this one that actually may be worth court over.

He cannot hold this over you for the rest of the kids childhoods so he always gets what he wants.

You make, in writing, a good fair suggestion of this small change, ask him to consider it. Include what will happen if he refuses....ie you will have a sitter to collect and stay with them.

Then when he inevitably kicks off express your sadness that he wont make any changes and he has left you with no choice but to ask a judge to decide. Then do it.

You may find that as soon as he recieves the court papers he backs down as the he will realise that you are serious.

Make all communication about this issue in writing so he cant accuse you of lying as you will have the proof.

The problem will be the cost - overnights are generally £180, so x 52 so will wipe out your pay increase. If it’s only for the rest of the year and you will never be expected to do it again it may be worthwhile, but if work on campus will be an ongoing part the job it may not be worthwhile.

Because you're letting him.

There are child carers who literally do this as their jobs.