Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

He's not stopping you getting the job. He's not changing contact. If contact has been agreed then you both have to work around that. Yes its a bit annoying for you he won't change it but that's his prerogative. Bit sad you're both fighting over who won't have the children.

Is it in an FE college?

Does the college have a childcare course or two? It would be an ideal part time job for a childcare student. Students are not all teenagers.

And now I have read the thread someone else has suggested it too.

I think getting a regular babysitter to collect them at 9pm and put them to bed and stay till midnight, and you drive back after the late evening class, would surely work. Driving that late isn't fun but it's way quicker than driving at peak hours so you'll be home swiftly. I used to have a job where I finished at 2am one night a week 10 weeks a year and my normal 60 minute commute between 2 nearby cities only took 20 minutes due to zero traffic.

Obviously your ex is an arsehole but you knew that already. He's just using what power he has to control you. Find another way, you can do it.

Where from? Also my ex won’t take them to one even if I found one. I’d be in work so wouldn’t be able to pick them up from his and take them there.

I don't think it's fair to label him an arsehole just because he doesn't want to change the contact arrangements.

This one is on you, it's not ok to take on commitments that involve someone else changing their life around without consulting that other person first.

What if from September it's a different night you need? You can't expect him to just accommodate, you'd think it was very unfair if he tried to do the same to you. He is not the solution to your problem here, time to explore other options.

It's easy to say someone is controlling if they're not doing what you want, but it doesn't mean that particular thing is actually controlling even if there is a historic pattern of controlling behaviours.

Thank you. This is extremely useful. The trouble us that my ex is refusing to take them anywhere and wants me to pick them up. He wouldn’t let anyone other than me take them.

It’s not that he CAN’T do it, it’s that he WON’T!

It will be from September but I can then choose one of the nights I don’t have the children. Plus when did I say he was controlling?

Well the stance on mumsnet is typically your time, your problem. It's not a stance I tend to agree with personally so I'm sorry OP it's shit.

I'm of the opinion that you don't really have "time" to parent. You're just a parent and ideally your ex would help you out like you do him.

But at least now you know where he stands next time he wants to change anything.

I think you arrange child care and tell him that x person can collect at 9pm or you can collect at 6am. He then has the choice but ultimately you have arranged childcare for the hours you are meant to have them. If this is possible to change at the end of the academic year you could let him know it will just be for 4 months?

Why are the children picked up at 9pm? It seems a strange time for pick up - quite a late bedtime for children under 11?

Arrange the sitter and tell your ex he needs to drop them back to your house if he doesn't want them staying over.

That's all. Then warn the sitter the children may not turn up. Tell the children your plans and go on and do the teaching.

It might be that for a fee the babysitter would collect the children for that one night also.

Him dropping children back after contact is quite fair. It's not forever and I'm guessing you both live close by.
If he refuses then he gets to have them an extra night by default.

You are giving this too much headspace because of past controlling behaviour.

If the sitter says he didn't drop off then go to collect the children early before he leaves for work.

You've given him two reasonable choices then.

I understand the situation better now. I think you should post on the legal section regarding the pick up situation. Is contact court ordered? IMO it is unreasonable of him to insist that he won't allow anyone else but you to collect.

It’s not your ex that’s stopping you from accepting a job. It’s your responsibility to your children. Whether he can or won’t is neither here nor there. Hopefully you’ll find a sitter. Do you know any local girls that are maybe studying childcare. I had a girl, studying early years help me years ago, she was early twenties and she was a godsend. She’d work really flexibly, hours that usual childcare just wasn’t available for.

Can he really refuse for them to be picked up by a childminder/overnight sitter? That seems super unreasonable. I can see how he can't be forced to change days (although sounds like he is awkward) but surely he can't stop you using childcare as an alternative?

Tell him he picks another night so that you can arrange the sitter or he has them overnight. Dont ask him…tell
him.

Try Sitters, Bubble or a local nanny agency.
Dad can either drop the kids home, let a nanny pick them up, or keep them himself overnight.

Instead of your childcare picking them up from ex get them to have DC from school so if he wants them he has to pick up and drop back.

It sounds like he has been controlling you via contact for some time and there is more to it than this incident.

If your ex won't hand them over to a babysitter I guess you're picking them up at 6am then? 🤷‍♀️

Why should he have all the control on whether he has to have them overnight and not you?

I don’t understand how you’ll be back to pick them up at 0600? Is the course teaching through the night? Why do you need to stay over if you’re not working the next day?

He can't dictate who picks them up on your watch. Get a sitter who can pick them up, simple. Also tell him never to ask you to swap or help him our ever on anything. Might remind him things work both ways.

How can you pick them up at 6am if you have to stay overnight? I’m confused

He either lets someone else pick them up, or he keeps them for that night. Simple. Just arrange the overnight babysitter from an agency, arrange for them to pick up the children from him. If he won’t hand them over, the babysitter can just put that in writing to you. As long as he told who it is you have arranged in advance and they have ID on them when they come to collect the children, and show him, then it’s all his problem. He can take you to court if he wants, and they will laugh him out.

If he won't let anyone else pick them up then great problem solved he keeps them there that night.

All of those people saying just get a babysitter or an all night nanny - the OP's new job is an extra £10k a year but in real terms that is a net increase of probably £600 a month. It would hardly be worth doing if you had to pay for an evening or night babysitter every week, and someone to transport them home before babysitting them.

You could offer to reduce maintenance so your ex also benefits from your new salary and might be more willing to do it from a financial aspect? I'm not saying this is right, but just a suggestion. It does sound like it would be better for the kids if they did stay over, as you picking them up at 9pm on Mondays must be a late night for them by the time they get to bed.