Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

If it's £10k more and you really want the job you will have to pay an overnight babysitter. You sadly can't force your arse of an ex to change his access agreement

How old are the DC?

The older they are the more their wants are listened to.

Please accept the job and deal with the fall out of him kicking off over it.

Did he follow you to live nearby?

He cannot mandate who you leave the kids with on your nights. If you need childcare to work and he won't take them he has no leg to stand on.
But 4hr from home is a ridiculously long way. Where do you live?! Can't you find similar work nearby?

I truly hope another job opportunity comes your way. But this has shown you that your Ex clearly likes managing you and expects you to acquiesce. It's not unusual for it to start out feeling safe and protective - especially if you're easy going -but it does turn into emotional abuse and it's great that he's your Ex.

You need to think like Sarah in Labyrinth and realise - he has no power over you.

If you can, I would opt for almost complete custody of the children especially as you've admitted he's ABUSIVE to your children. Abuse is abuse. Emotional abuse can often become physical abuse too but it's dangerous enough on its own. Would you want your child having to beg for food for example? Or being constantly weighed and told they are fat? Or told that they're stupid and worthless?

He will have to pay maintenance which should help with the financial burden and include childcare if you need it.

Why does he live so close? It sounds like he's abusing you by living as a permanent presence. Could you move somewhere else?

It's difficult to escape abuse but you need to steel yourself and "think like Sarah". Also watching 9 to 5 helps...

How old are your kids? The older they are, the stronger their voice will be in court proceedings.

So you travel 8 hours a day? For a teaching job? Are you mad??? That’s at least £30 a day in petrol.

So why would you want them staying over?

No it’s only one day at that campus

You can’t take the job then!
No more favours for him though… although I suspect he just won’t collect kids and stitch you up
anyway

How old are the children?
could you ask to go to mediation ? I think courts like to see you trying that route first, if he refuses then that
goes in your favour… Go back to court
if necessary and reduce his time with them, I also don’t think he’s allowed to refuse to let them get picked up by someone of your choosing. My friends ex tried this and negotiated in court and basically has to either let someone arranged in advance to collect or drop off or he has to return them to the house himself .. he can’t make demands that she has to be one doing it.
If the GF is nasty to your children, record what they say and take this to court too.
Although him having them less isn’t going to help with your career….. can you move closer to your parents ? Will they support you with childcare occasionally? As for maintenance …. Take him through child maintenance … my friend also had to do this and he refused to pay, after a week of nagging they now take it straight out of his wages so he can’t refuse…

It's just not the right time for you to take that job right now. Wait until your children are old enough to be left home alone. You'll get the opportunity later on.

Such a shame about the job but don't give up @myexismean
Now's the time to get the ball rolling to make the contact legal. Keep a record of everything that happens with him, the GF, the children and get a good solicitor. Take no more shit!

Could he stay at yours until you get home.

@BigAnne sadly this ex does not want to facilitate anything he uses contact to control as is evidenced by the fact she is too frightened to arrange for childcare to collect the DC from him as he only "allows" her to do it.