Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

You made him boss!

Tell him, your baby sitter will be collecting the DC and if he doesnt like it, well he can keep them until 6am

He won’t allow the children to go with anyone other than me or take the children to my parents or a babysitters house. I can’t start a new job with all this to worry about. I am going to get a court order so he can’t use coercive control over me again as far as childcare is concerned.

he won't allow - but you are enabling that behaviour,

get the Court order sorted today !

take back control

Accept the job and tell him you are going to get a court order regarding the coercive control…. Maybe hearing this will be enough for him to change his mind, he sounds like a malicious c**t….. what attracted you to him in the first place?

If he won't allow it, then problem solved. Leave them at his house and collect them the next day. What is he going to do? Call the police abs say you haven't picked your kids up because you are working? I had an ex like that, he nearly made me have a breakdown. I started to stand up to him and now I live in a different country and thankfully have nothing to do with him. I have no idea why he behaved like that, but I know that I tolerated it for too long and it had a detrimental impact on my mental health and on my ability to be the best mother I could have been. Bettering yourself to give your child a better future is something an emotionally healthy adult would support and try to accomodate. He isn't acting this way with your child's best interests at heart, he's being at best immature and difficult and at worst toxic and controlling. Accept the job. Do not let him win. You owe yourself and your child more than that. These situations can always be worked out. Get things in place and if he doesn't accept a childminder picking your children up, make sure you have everything in writing - either by message or email, and explain that you are at work and won't be able to pick her up. A court will look dimly on someone who is trying to be obstructive and difficult without any reason.

*pick them up

Most of these men don't start out this way.

Come on OP, put your big girl pants on. Accept the job, arrange a professional overnight sitter who will collect from your ex and get a court order. If he won’t hand them over, he can keep them for the night - perfect! And what would he tell the court - that you sent a qualified childcare professional but it wasn’t good enough? They’d laugh at him!

I think that's actually really unfair. Dealing day in day out with a toxic person takes a big toll on one's mental health and confidence. These men who use coercive control do it for this exact reason. It abuse, even if you're not still in a relationship with them. Perhaps a bit more empathy for the OP wouldn't go amiss. I've been in this situation and it nearly broke me.

I don't understand the "he won't let anyone else pick them up" that doesn't make any sense, has he actually said this to you? If he won't let anyone else pick them up then he keeps them 🤷‍♀️

This is fine op. You need to take steps to stop being controlled by him. So hire an agency nanny, tell him, in writing, and when he says nanny can’t collect you say ok, so when I begged you to keep them for the night and you said no, absolutely not, can I confirm are you going to keep them for the night, or throw them out into the street where my nanny will be waiting to collect them and call the police on you? Please do let me know. If you do keep them overnight I’ve offered to collect at 6:30.

either way works for you. Book a nanny, accept the job, and let him learn he has lost some hold on you.

OP, apply for the court order today - presumably based on the existing sharing arrangements but specifying that a qualified childcare professional/relative/other nominated adult can collect from his house/be at yours at dropoff on your days.

Then at the same time, book a mediation session to specify the same thing. You can find your nearest using this https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/mediation

If he refuses to attend mediation, that will go in your favour when it reaches court.

What is he going to try to argue - that you shouldn't be working to pay for childcare? He has 2 options here: look after his own children an extra night short term; or let them leave with your nominated childcare professional.

He can't cast you as a poor parent for furthering your career for the sake of 4 hours childcare a week - that's just not going to land with the court.

So accept the job, or you'll be arguing about a hypothetical situation anyway.

Unless there's some MASSIVE drip feed that your children are 20 months & 4 month old twins, or 1,3&5 with SEN, you need to just get on with accepting the job & making it work!

I'm sure it's daunting & good luck, but you can do it!

@LaDamaDeElche

Most of these men don't start out this way

Maybe not but there has to have been red flags that got ignored, no one can really hide their true self for that long,

If that’s the case and he won’t allow anyone to take the children then that’s on him, leave them
there then. He doesn’t get to control you in that respect. Accept the Job and as PP said, look on sitters for someone who can look after them that night.

Maybe not but there has to have been red flags that got ignored, no one can really hide their true self for that long, Why do you think so many women find themselves in that situation then? Kind of sounds like victim blaming. These types of men chip away at you little by little. My ex was attentive and loving, he really kept it down for a couple of years until I was pregnant. Looking back there were the odd things, but he was good at being manipulative and turned a lot of these things around so I thought they were either my fault or just more minor than they were. After my daughter was born was when the mask slipped, or rather crashed to the floor.

And OP, don't tell yourself that the court order will take longer than when your new job starts - it might, but you need to have a plan & stick to it.

Once you've found your sitter, put the plan & timings to him in writing.

Send them over with a copy of your letter, their ID & childcare credentials and instructions that if he doesn't release the children to them, they are to sit in their car outside until your return from work.

You may be paying for no childcare, but you can 100% prove to the court that you have a bulletproof plan to cover your parenting arrangements.

If he calls the police or SS because YOU are not there to collect your children, what are they going to do? Send away a childcare professional with ID & written authority to collect on your behalf?

Or tell him to grow up & let the children go to your planned childcare?

All you're trying to do is achieve the last bit. There are harder paths & easier paths but that choice is on HIM. If your ducks are in a row, it will happen regardless. x

How is that helpful? You're victim blaming. I'm sure if you asked OP if she thought her ex was a good choice of partner now, she'd say no. In hindsight.

If abusers were that easy to spot, no one would ever be abused, would they? And it's common for controlling behaviours to start in pregnancy, so yes people do hide their abusive side, very often.

Men don't come up to you in a club and say 'hello I'm an abusive twat', they wait until it's hard for the woman to leave, then they test boundaries by doing something then turning on the charm again, and again and again.

@myexismean

If he won't hand them over then he will have to look after them. He will have a few options, keep them himself, hand them over, call police/social services. Option three would backfire on him very badly.

He is bullying you nothing more, he's a coward.

Seriously you need to stand up to him over this.

What is the contact situation at the moment?

Does he want/like having the DC?

I had no option but to turn the job down. He said he will not take the children to my parents or handover to a childminder. If I don’t pick them up then he will have the children more and refuse to let me have them an equal amount. He is emotionally abusive to our daughter who absolutely hates being with him. She will be distraught if she has to spend 4 days out of 7 with him.

I literally have no option.

He wants them for 50% or more. He has told me he doesn’t want to pay child maintenance. I don’t want any though and would prefer to have them with me as much as possible. Anybody know my chances of succeeding? My children want to be with me and spend the smallest amount of time they have to with him. They hate his girlfriend because she is nasty to them.

I would get a sleep in nanny for the 3 children,

or ask the company if you can swap the night due to childcare?

If he's emotionally abusive to your DD I'd be fighting for them to not see him at all!

How old are the children, are any of them old enough to speak to the judge and say what s/he wants ?

Have you actually agreed custody etc. via a Court or just between the two of you ?

I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare.

When I started saying no, it caused a few fireworks - but bullys are cowards and it soon died down when I stood my ground.

No no and no is all you have to say