Ex won’t let me change jobs

[myexismean]

I landed myself the perfect job but I have to sleep over one night a week. It’s a night I have our three children. My ex said he can’t swap one of his days for mine. It pays £10 k more than my current job. Can I do anything? It’s not that he can’t swap the night, it’s that he won’t just to spite me. I usually pick the children up at 9 pm after work on Monday night and this is the night I need to work away. They go to bed at this time anyway so why can’t he just let them sleep the night? I have said I can pick the children up at 6 am. He leaves at 7.30 am for work. He won’t budge. I have always said yes to changes he wants to make in terms of childcare. I have never asked him to change any of my days.

If you arranged a childcare professional to collect the DC from him and he refused to hand them over then he'd be keeping them anyway. You are giving him too much power. Just tell him you are arranging a qualified childcare professional to collect them from his house, take them to your house and care for them until you return. I'd put it in writing too. If he won't hand children over go to a solicitor.

True @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas but 6am is also pretty early. OP is saying she has to stay over, which is either a very late class time or hours and hours of commuting, which makes no sense to teach one class a week.

then don't go 'take them' until Tuesday at 6am. he will be home still.

why make your life difficult? it is a good thing he will refuse thank them over to others, so he WILL have to wait for you then. simples. no?

whilst I agree with the premise of your argument, if op has someone else who picks up the kids, surely op can ask the same person to pick them up on any new changed days op gets?

what @myexismean op hasn't said, rather conveniently, is when the contact starts. is it Friday/saturday to Monday 9pm? I can see why adding Monday night suddenly may be unwelcome. maybe his fav pt only does Monday evenings etc etc

The childcare.co.Uk app is great. You’ll find someone there and you can check their qualifications. They also have reviews from other users.

what I also said! that's what most mothers would do!

'my ex is mean' username is rather counter productive. you focus too much on him/his attitude. you are giving him too much power that he must lol at you falling over getting worked up, when you have all the control here. change your mindset first.

@myexismean You said you’d asked him to swap a night but have you asked him if he would be happy to have the children an extra night instead?

If you collect them at 9pm that night already you wouldn’t miss out on much time with them and he might be more agreeable. If he leaves for work too early to drop them off at school/ childcare you could offer to do the drop off in the morning to facilitate things. I agree with PP that he can’t refuse to hand them over to a person of your choice on your contract time without very good reason but if you have to go to court to have that enforced it could well wipe out all of your pay rise for the foreseeable anyway.

Also, A-levels usually take place around June, even if the students are in their first year of multi-year studies it seems strange that you would need to work that evening through to September. I’ve never heard of evening classes running to the end of August without a break, is it definitely the case that you’ll need to do this for the whole summer?

Because in my current job I work 4 hours away from home

I live a 2 min walk away from his house.

Tbh if its only till June I'd switch jobs, arrange a sitter to pick the kids up and tell him he either hands then over or keeps them. He doesn't have to keep them so he makes the choice.

You need to look at babysitter agencies.

Sorry your ex is choosing to do this. Don't be so accommodating to him in future.

You get the babysitter (from an agency) to come to your home.

You can't involve a sitter in a scenario like that. He could absolutely call or threaten to call the police himself if he's that unreasonable (and it sounds as if he is).

OP, you could also go back to court and get a court order to the effect that he either accepts a qualified babysitter of your choice one night a week or keeps them himself one night a week and you pay him for his trouble.

I'd see a solicitor about your options. I think a court would find his objection unreasonable since your income will be increased if you take this job, and your potential burden to the taxpayer will decrease.

You can file an emergency motion if a solicitor thinks you have a good chance of success and time is tight.

If you're currently doing a 4 hour commute in your current job (car or public transport as that seems extreme?) then you have a strong case.

You say "A 4 hour commute is not sustainable so I have found a better job. However, it means I will be working Monday evenings. Would you prefer to have the DC overnight on a Monday or drop them at my house 2 minutes away with the babysitter as I will no longer be able to collect them at 9pm?"

I agree with PPs that you're giving him too much power. His options are to have the DC or let someone else look after them.

Babysitter agencies I hope resolve the matter for you.

A parent who seeks to reduce the income or prevent an increase in the other parent's income for no valid reason is indirectly harming their child. Higher parental income is bound to lead to benefits for the child in almost all cases- from simple things such as more treats or days out, perhaps in others to things like a larger house to live in.

I assume that the A level teaching would be less good if the OP could not do it, as the best person of those who applied. Or that the subject might not be offered to as many students.

Not as bad as the parent who denies any responsibility for their child (or the dad who denies it is his) but bad nevertheless.

Call his bluff.

Do you have any joint friends who are male (male is important as he's less likely to kick off with another man) or a good friend's husband? Say his name is John, have a little chat with him and then set up a WhatsApp group with your ExH, John and yourself.

Call the WhatsApp group "Monday Nights" and send a message saying "ExH, John has kindly offered to look after the DCs on Monday nights when I start my new job in Sept, so he'll be picking them up from yours at the usual time, bringing them home and staying with them. I figured it'd be easiest if we all were on the same group chat to communicate about the details, or if anyone is running late etc."

Your ExH is likely to message you directly, kicking off. In which case you screen shot his message, put it in the WhatsApp group and say "all correspondence about Monday nights from Sept onwards will be going into this group chat."

Then answer whatever ExH has said in the group chat "yes, I know you don't like the idea of John having the kids overnight but you said you wouldn't have them and I won't be home on Monday nights come Sept, so you didn't leave me much choice."

John can also add in "I agree mate, seems strange you'd prefer another man to look after your kids overnight than have them yourself, but OP needs to pay the bills, so it's either me or you looking after the kids."

I would bet he backs down, but worst case scenario, John has to pick up the kids a few times and drop them to yours where the sitter is. I doubt he'll let that go on for long - it's embarrassing for your ExH to hand over his kids to another man to care for simply because he can't be arsed.

He has two choice he either lets a trained professional collect the dc in your absence, or he keeps them overnight. Simple as that.

It's actually you that has the upper hand, he can refuse to take the dc as you won't collect them, in which case you pay an over night nanny and there's no need to collect or he keeps the dc and you collect them in the morning.

Fgs how is so many people asking the same question regarding what time you get home helpful?? I'm pretty sure she'll know the logistics of the job, or perhaps she doesn't want to disclose the full details. Offer some actual helpful advise 🙄🙄🙄

It doesn’t matter! YOU should be sticking the arrangement.

This is the answer. Job done.

@DottieMoon she's said she wants to stick to the arrangement and can sort that a childminder picks the dc up from his at the agreed time, but he said he won't hand the dc over to anyone but her.

Are the children in your care?* *

Then he doesn't get to dictate who collects them.

This is not your problem. The option is him or babysitter end off.