Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

[cherylbarket]

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

Be brutally honest but kind - it was great but a big mistake and must never happen again. You're happy to stay friends but no more ever!

You are not a friend if you cannot be honest with him.
Stop being a child - avoiding him is not the action of an adult - and tell him it was a mistake.
If your friendship doesn't survive, so be it, but no-one wants a friend who isn't honest with them

Honesty is the only option here

Honesty! I've realised you're a great friend and I so value that. Let's not what happened ruin our relationship.

Can we rewind to before it happened?

Sorry, but you sound really immature. Be an adult and have an honest conversation with him.

I'm really not. I'm just trying to be really mindful of his feelings and navigate it with kindness, but also get the space from him that I really need right now.

Later on when you ou have more time message him and say 'by the way before we meet you next I wanted to clear the air, I see the other night as a one off that I don't plan to repeat again - your friendship is important to me and I don't want to hurt your feelings so I wanted to be really honest about this.'

Just to clarify. It's not even so much that I'm worried about whether he expects there to be a round 2.

It's more that I feel massively guilty that the "ick" I got after sex has changed my tolerance levels for his neediness so much.

I am finding it unbearable whereas before it was just a slightly annoying feature of our friendship.

you need space from him??

Yes I need space from him @VestibuleVirgin

For context, I had a busy day at work this week and after I told him I was too busy to text, he text me a further 9 times. A lot of "hope you're ok"
"Just thinking of you"
"Just heard this song that made me think of you"

Etc.....

You really need to be straight with him and explain it was a one off.

l’m not a prude, I don’t think there is anything wrong in having sex with a good friend, l’ve slept with several, but if the situation ever happens again, that little conversation needs to be had first.

He’s not your friend. He’s a man who has a crush on you and is desperate for some of your attention. Now you’ve slept with him things have pivoted. Listen to your instincts.

I do think men and women can be friends without sex. But he just wants a relationship with you.

If you care about your friend you really need to be honest with him and lay out your expectations going forward. Trust me- that is far less hurtful in the long term than saying nothing and him assuming you're now together or something. You say you don't want to hurt him but this is hurting him far far more. I suspect this is more about your own discomfort at saying something than it is about his feelings. You don't owe him a date or sex but you do owe him honesty about it.

I hope it was worth it. The friendship is over. Both go your own ways

I'd lay money that he's always had feelings for you and sleeping together has only heightened that from his perspective.the friendship is dead in the water now,it's not coming back from this.

Honestly, I don't think there's any go back from it.
You'll probably have to go your separate ways.
It's going to really hurt him hearing the honest truth, but you need to be straight up otherwise he's not going to back off. For him, you've opened the door for a relationship judging by his subsequent behaviour

Yes, hard agree, unfortunately.

The friendship is over, as he very clearly doesn’t want friendship from you.

Aw poor guy

be kinder to be straight with him

i guess you are still fairly young (20s)? As clearly this friendship in his eyes always was partly a crush for him too

Just tell him

I am so so so very far from my 20s (although I realise the way I'd phrased my first post sounded that way).

I teach teenagers so sometimes I naturally pick up the way they talk.

" I told you I'm too busy to text, but my phone's still pinging. I need you to give me the time I asked for"

... plus "I'm really trying not to live on my phone and to cut down on the constant messaging I've got caught up in, so I'd really appreciate it if my friends help me do that"

I wish I had some advice but honestly I’d probably respond by hurling my phone into the sea, too. And then maybe faking my own death and changing my name and starting over somewhere else.

There is just nothing worse in the world than a needy intense person you’ve mistakenly slept with. (Having been in this situation before, I’d put money on it you didn’t sleep with this guy out of any erotic feeling at all but ended up pressured into it out of guilt and pity).

i don’t know why most posters are being so hard on you OP and worrying about this man. He’s a creep. Who on earth thinks it’s ok to keep hassling someone over and over by text when they don’t get a reply. This guy is not respectful of your boundaries by not taking your polite hint to back off. Maybe it’s innocent on his part but he doesn’t get to harass you.

I think you need to tell him that you can’t cope with the constant barrage of texts and it’s making you uncomfortable. If he continues after that, you need to take a hard line.

Honestly this guy sounds like he’s a stalker or heading towards being one.

Op- you say you want to be kind but also that your "coldness" is hurting him- so why don't you just tell him?!! A rejection might sting - nobody likes rejection, but it's far preferable to him wondering what is going on for days or weeks. If you just tell him he can move on and find someone else- this long drawn out vagueness isnt benefiting anyone- not him or you.