Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

Take her back to her house!!!

She can sell her house and buy herself a smaller and cheaper property

Tell her your husbands children are coming and she has to go home.

Have suggested this.

Have suggested she apply for PIP if she's as unwell as she says she is.

No solution is acceptable unless it's her living with us!

This.

It’s not fair on your husband to have her to stay indefinitely

You might find a family group through Al anon helpful.

al-anonuk.org.uk

I understand that you feel a level of responsibility. However, you, and your marriage, will be better off if your mum is in her home.

There are other options than moving in with you - she could downsize, she could get a lodger (but I'm guessing no lodger would live with her behaviour...)

I completely agree.

Neither of us wants her here. I'm just struggling with my sense of responsibility towards her.

“Mum, I’m going to have to take you home tomorrow morning. DH’s children are coming to stay tomorrow afternoon so we need the space back”

”but you said…”

”I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was happy to have you stay until they came but we need the space back for the kids”

rinse and repeat.

She may need a carer or social worker if her alcoholism is rendering her a danger to herself. Has she ever tried to stop or even cut down the booze? She simply cannot stay at yours any more. Take her home and try and talk sensibly about what support she needs (not from you) as you're doing enough but she needs professionals by the sound of it. Counselling maybe. But most won't take someone in active addiction sadly.

Normally I'm all for straight chat but in your situation I'd be sneaky, take her out for a meal, just the two of you, but then just don't bring her back home. It moves the confrontation to her house. I imagine given what you've said that she will refuse to leave the car, and you may have a long night but dig your heels in and see it through.

I'd get her to see her GP about anti depressants and therapy. Then I'd sit her down and explain as sad as you are for her, she is now beginning to affect your life with DH and needs to be the adult again. She's had some time with you to offload but now needs to try again to do this without living with you. It is very hard when parents become the children, but you have to remember you are not responsible for her and if she were a good parent she would not want to mess up your happiness. She is an adult and you have helped her but there needs to be a boundary.

Also Google the grey Rock style of interacting and use it with her.

Why did you say you can stay awhile without quantifying it?

put a deadline on it. Mum the kids are coming so thanks for staying will take you back.

you knew this would happen, you didn’t quantify it and gave your husband a fait accompli. That’s far from ok.

Huh? What about her stuff? You can’t just do that. Good lord.

You are not responsible for her. If she threatens suicide you call an ambulance to her house and she will soon stop it if she's doing it to manipulate you she is
is she disabled? What are these 'falls' about? She's 57 not 87. Have you made an adult social care referral? Does she claim universal credit?

Just to add she moans that no one listens or helps her but I've told her so many times no one can help unless she goes to see the GP and admits her problems, etc. But she won't.

She's basically a lost cause because she refuses to help herself.

You're going to need to be firm and speak this out with her. The reason she's pressing you is because she believes you will acquiesce. You have to make it very clear that is not going to happen but that you will support her to establish more appropriate set up (eg selling up and getting somewhere smaller, maybe supported accommodation).

It will likely provoke a row. She will likely accuse you of abandoning her, not caring, etc. it is vital you don't react and remain calm but repeat the above message. You are not abandoning her. She can be perfectly well supported and have a better relationship with you by NOT living with you.

If you let her stay, ultimately this could wreck your marriage if it prevents your DH from seeing his DC. More to the point, it will have a very negative impact on you. This isn't your much-loved, kindly elderly mum moving in. This is an alcoholic with all the issues that come with that.

Nip it in the bud now.

No one should have therapy with someone who is abusive.

Take her home and learn to grey rock. Every time she says she wants to move in reply with a simple 'that's not happening' and change the subject. No discussion at all.

Sounds like you need to choose.
Your marriage or your mother.

You are not responsible for her life choices. You are not responsible for enabling her to allow her poor life choices to negatively impact YOUR life.

Take her back home and let her make the decisions she wants to make. She is an adult. You are doing her zero favours by rewarding her poor behaviour through letting her live with you and ruin your life. If she loses her home through her own lack of responsibility, so be it. She made her bed and now she can lie in it.

I imagine the falls are drinking related - my mum did similar and died age 62 - health deteriorates much faster with alcoholics.

Edited to change calls to falls

She’s using the suicide threat as a means to manipulate you. Send her home and only answer her calls when she’s sober.

Don't let her stay another day. You're not going to have her live with you so it would actually be kinder to tell her sooner rather than later You have the perfect excuse that the children are coming. It's really not fair to expect your DH to miss time with his family.

Take her back home tomorrow, and leave her there.

Make clear that she will never be moving into your house (ffs!!?)

Tell her you will help her find out what benefits she is entitled to when her money runs out. In reality if she is a barely functioning alcoholic she will get benefits without working - lots of unemployable people do.

If she chooses not to help herself, disengage. You owe it to your husband not to bring this shit into his home.

This sounds like the best solution.

Also, like a pp said, you could take her out for lunch and say it, then take her straight back to her house and drop all her stuff off later.