Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

'Mum, living with us is not an option, so let's look at what you can do'

On repeat

A lot of this rings a lot of bells for me about my mum. Thankfully - well due a massive health scare - she has amended her ways.

You need to go minimum contact. I hardly talked to mine for a few years. Never went no contact always sent cards/ gifts and did visit but we did not have a good relationship at all

Can she be reasoned with at all about going home before the children arrive? If not I'd be really tempted to go out for lunch and not bring her home let her get a taxi back to hers.

I know plenty of alcoholics that are in recovery who are wonderful people. But when 'active' they can be the biggest self centered idiots. The world is against them and no one cares or understands. If she is in denial there is very little you can do but I would be blunt as well, if people sugar coat it constantly it helps that person say in denial, and they don't need any encouragement to stay in the 'pity me' mode.

She's only 57???? Protect your marriage and send her home.

Phone the local intensive mental health team. It'll be a long wait but they're obliged to offer support considering the suicide threats.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt.

I get that, OP. I genuinely dislike my father, but still feel to some extent responsible for him. I think you need to explore that guilt with a therapist, and what would be reasonable ways to assuage it. Having your mother live with you would be your guilt running - and ruining - your life.

You need to find the point where you can reasonably help without it wrecking your home and marriage, say, helping your mother sell up and go into assisted living or engaging with social services on her behalf. Something you can reasonably commit to. Once you have worked through how much you are willing to commit, it will be very much easier to deal with your mother and her complaints.

Oh OP you really fucked up bringing her to your house. I'd be furious in your DHs position. Your guilt over your alcoholic mother is affecting his contact with his child.

You need to tell her it's time to go home in the morning. No bullshit.

You need to learn to grey rock, don't call her, only.answer when you have the emotional energy to resist her "sounds like you need to go to the gp" "have you told the gp?" "What did the gp say"

She's a full grown adult woman. You are not responsible for her.

Nailed it. In 1 post

Tell her you’re taking her back before the weekend because DH’s children are due to stay. End of.

Seriously, are you willing to give up your husband and your life as you know it because you feel guilty that she feels bad. Because that’s what it will end with. Her choices are her own and I don’t understand why you would sacrifice the rest of your life for someone who has a possible long life ahead of her (I.e. not just nursing her through sickness for a few weeks). You can offer love without living in the same house, and advocate for support and practical help without blowing up your life or your husbands. To be honest, she doesn’t sound so nice, so I’m not sure I’d even go that far for someone who just wants to manipulate me.

so can clean round yours but can barely move at home?

she aving you on

You are NOT responsible for her. She’s a grown adult, she’s responsible for herself. Tell her you’re taking her home in X day and do it.

You can't allow an abusive person (even if she is your mother) to rule your life. You have to let go of the guilt. Crush it down, every time it comes up. It's not real; it's not true. You know you would help your mother if she made it possible, but she won't accept the help you've offered. Instead, she tries to control you and demand that everything be on her terms, and her terms are unreasonable. You're not a bad child; you're just trying to live your own life.

You have more responsibility towards your DH and your DSC.

What about them?

Because your DH isn't going to put up with this. Nor should he have to

This sounds really difficult, OP. Unless you've grown up with this type of parent it is impossible to understand how they manipulate, guilt trip and bully you into situations that seem incredible.

She's been doing this to you all your life and you've been indoctrinated into solving her problems and carrying the burden of her inadequacy.

If you can get your DH to help, that would be a step in the right direction. She needs to go because he has plans. That might help you shake the guilt?

It's really hard - it took me years of therapy to unlearn all the shit that I had grown up with, but ultimately you deserve better. You deserve a better mother, but you didn't get one so you have to deal with the one you have and she needs to go.

Your mother's closest relationship is with alcohol. She shows no signs of wanting to stop drinking. I would not wreck my marriage by letting my drunken mother move into my house. She is not only a drunk, she is rude, controlling, fascist drunk. Imagine how you'd feel if it was your DH's appalling drunken mother who'd just moved in indefinitely with plans to be there permanently. Disabuse her of the idea that she is staying with you. Take her back home and maybe help her look into what benefits she is eligible for if she is not fit to work. I am assuming that she wasn't a delightful sober mother when she was raising you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's awful. Please know that this is not your fault or a reflection on you.

Your mother is in active addiction, she is ill. Addiction is a disease and her illness is doing everything it can to survive. It really helps to think of the illness as separate to the person, because it can allow you to be less emotionally impacted by some of the behaviours of the illness e.g. it is the illness/addiction lashing out not the person underneath.

Having said all that, you immediately need to stop enabling your mother in her addiction.

You will not realise you are enabling her illness because you do not think like an addict. You need to let her reach what is called rock bottom. Until she reaches absolute rock bottom she will be extremely unlikely to even consider accessing help, let alone agree to it.

This means you need to set absolute and concrete boundaries with your mother. Any access to you and any possible future access to your home and your family is entirely dependant on her seeking help. No help, no access. This has to be a non-negotiable line. You have to be really strong and hold that line in the face of her illness and all the terrible things it will say.

You do not want her drinking herself to death and poverty in your house. You especially do not want that in a house that needs to be a safe and welcoming family space for children.

This may mean a period of no contact. I know that might be really hard, but she needs to reach a point where she has no other choices but to accept help.

Counsellors who deal with addiction will often talk about the addict 'mind'. This is because those with a genetic predisposition towards addiction (roughly recognised to be around 20% of population) do not think like 'normal' people.
In active addiction the addict 'mind' will do all it can to survive and feed the addiction. It will justify any behaviour, make up any narrative, hurt any person in it's way and grasp at any perceived lifeline. It is brutal.

Lashing out behaviours like threatening suicide are a classic example of addict behaviours. Most 'addict' minds are far too egocentric to actually follow through, these behaviours are designed to manipulate and ultimately feed the addiction.

If you mother is running out of money, and therefore options, you have a real chance of maybe getting her to agree to accept help/rehab etc. but you cannot be her lifeline if you want that to happen. You can choose to support her if she chooses to get help, but you cannot support or be party to her addiction.

Sorry for long message, but I have lived this with my brother so I am speaking from first hand experience. He is now 6 years sober so there is always hope.

I really hope this helps a little to ease your guilt, which can be utterly paralysing. Sometimes tough love is literally the only way.

"Well you seem fine now so lets get your stuff in the car"

"I will kill myself"

"no you wont"

12 hours later........

"I have fallen and really hurt myself".....you call an ambulance

"I have taken pills, no one cares about me" you call police and an ambulance.... and so on.

She is pulling this shit because it works. She is the toddler that knows after the 15th tantrum you will give in and buy the toy. So stop giving in. Its her problem, so hand it back to her. When you refuse to entertain her nonsense and open up her attempts at emotional blackmail to professsional scrutiny, it may ramp up slightly to start with (a small injury from a "fall" that needs medical attention or taking a few but not enough pills to actually do any damage "You see!!!!! And you didnt believe me!!") it will stop.

The guilt and sense of obligation are because she’s a manipulative narcissist, not because you genuinely owe her anything. Don’t let her ruin your marriage.

Send her home, tell her why and ride out the consequences for the sake of your DH. Letting her wishes take priority is a slap in the face for you and your DH.

Tell her if she threatens suicide you’ll have to contact the police. Follow through on this every time she says it.

if she has a fall - tell her you are contacting the emergency services.

Stop enabling her by swooping in out of misplaced guilt to save the day. She’s an adult and will just have to adult.

When her money runs out she’ll have to get benefits if she won’t work.

Contact adult social services, mental
health and substance abuse teams and ask them to help her as you won’t.

If you keep fixing her problems - she’ll keep having them.

You don’t owe her your support and love just because she chose to give birth to you. I may sound harsh but you need to protect yourself, your mental health, your energy and your relationship and family with DH.

What if you suggest staying at hers for a few days?
It gets her out of your home right now and keeps DH happy.
Then you have an emergency at your own home. Gives you some breathing space to sit down and talk things out with her.

Every time she threatens suicide you call an ambulance. She’ll have to decide whether she wants to spend time in the hospital (and if he’s really suicidal she should) or figure her life out

Her age is not necessarily an indication of capacity. At 57 my mother was in a frail care facility with alcohol-induced dementia. Sit her down this morning, tell her she’s going home and cannot stay with you indefinitely and then go to her room to help her pack. Tell her if she is not coping you will help her to try to find a solution with social services but there is no possibility of her ever living with you permanently. When she threatens suicide you just ask her if she needs a dr’s appointment. I have had a lifetime of family and in laws threatening suicide and you need to see it as the manipulative tactic that it is.

You take her back home, obviously?? Why do you feel obligation to someone so vile? Then each time she says she’s suicidal you call the police and they will go and do a welfare check on her. Why haven’t you cut this woman off?
If I was your DH I would be moving out until she leaves- I would not want my children anywhere near her. If you won’t protect them from her then hopefully he will

You are stealing her rock bottom. If you want to feel guilty, and I don't think you should, feel guilty for enabling her.

@Motherproblem101

Her mistakes her lifestyle choices ect are of her own doing too
unless she came from abusive home life growing up in anyway
however as an adult she had and still has the agency to get beneficial help and support to address her alcoholic demons issues,

I think 🤔 she is being manipulative playing on your emotions to get her own way such as saying about herself as a liabilities at her own home

Get in touch adult social services to see how they can help her

And send her off packing back to her own place, 🤪

She sounds like a head fuck

I've dealt with alchol issues dependant female in my personal life got no time for her at all and how she and her ex have messed up their children's life's

Arseholes