Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

It is not worth risking your relationship with your husband and step children because of someone who is clearly a very difficult person (at a minimum). I have similar issues with my family and my husband puts the boundaries there for me so I don't get guilt tripped!

Tell her clearly she cannot live with you. You can help her downsize or get PIP or whatever but she cannot live with you

it’s pretty shocking you didn’t check in with DH before letting her stay.

if she’s suicidal take her to A&E, they are meant to deal with physical and mental crisis.

‘’evening mum, I’ll take you home tomorrow 2pm. The kids are arriving soon after and DH is planning a quiet evening with them’

@Motherproblem101 have you read the stately home thread on here?
If not, have a look back - particularly at MonkeyFromManchester's story of when her mother in law moved in. Don't do it to yourself or your husband or your kids. Send her home before your kids visit.

No solution is acceptable unless it's her living with us!

tell her that if she sells her home that you will disown her, all she will do is drink the proceeds of the house sale and make your life a misery

Tell her enough of the eye rolling and moaning already - its been a day so why would she want a bloody life time of the same.

Tell her she has two options, she can go in sheltered housing for over 55's or stay where she is

She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house.

How does she get her alcohol, is it deliveries arriving every couple of days?

This is the most recent stately homes thread. They go back a long way.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4991681-january-2024-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?reply=133758235
She's not your responsibility. She chose to have you not the other way round.

I am going to sound harsh, but was also the child of a mother like this. Take her home tomorrow so your DH knows his DCs can come.

Then get some therapy to reframe your over-developed sense of responsibility. Contact al-anon for guidance in how to handle her and protect your own MH.

You are both adults and are both responsible for your own happiness. You are not obliged to look after her if she is manipulating you with suicide threats, etc. Her behaviour towards you - and thus your relationship - is utterly toxic. It is damaging you and your marriage. And it won’t help her either.

You shouldn’t be brining an alcoholic to your home for even a night. Your DH is right to not expose his children to this. He will need to leave if you don’t resolve it quickly.

you can take her to the GP and attend the appointment with her. You can take her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting if she consents. You can attend an al-anon meeting and learn to set firm boundaries. If she qualifies for any kind of benefits you can help her navigate that process.

ultimately, you can not save her.

'Mother I said you could come over to visit but you're making it very difficult by your complaining and cleaning which I have not asked you to do.

It's not just my home it's my husbands too.

I'm going to take you home in the morning. If you start with the tears and the threats of suicide I shall have no option but to cut ties with you as I will not be manipulated. The situation you are in is of your own doing and whilst I've tried to help you as best I can, all you've done is complain and make things difficult.'

Do not entertain any argument or further conversation.

As pp said, just tell her she had her wires crossed about staying indefinitely as your step DC are coming over.

Stop answering the phone every time she calls, and every time she has a fall or health issue I would be calling for a welfare check rather than going myself, when a history has been built up of her falls and ill health it will be much easier to get social care involved.

You need to take a huge step back, your priorities are you, your dh and your kids. Someone who is supposed to love you, but is treating you like a meal ticket, and manipulating you into doing what she wants shouldn't come anywhere in you list of priorities.

Her love for you should be absolutely unconditional, your love for her should be conditional on her being a good parent, and she's not.

This will end your marriage OP. You're in the FOG. Look into it and find a way out. You don't have an obligation to her.

Send her home, next time she threatens suicide, send the police to do a welfare check. You're going to have to let her hit rock bottom so she seeks and accepts help.

What ways can you help her that are on your terms?

Dropping off a weekly shop to her?

Taking her out to shop once a week and returning her home?

Going round for a coffee and offering to do any lightweight unskilled tasks.

Giving her the names of organisations where she may be entitled to get help from.

You can appease any feelings of guilt by doing things to help but that don't involve her ruining your life.

How utterly awful for you. I can't believe she is 57, many of us are still holding down heavy careers at that age and she's acting like an 80 year old.

OP just tell her you have the DC and you are taking her home tomorrow.

In terms of guilt, it is the most useless emotion, it gives you absolutely nothing. If you want to genuinely help tell her there is absolutely no way you are going to spend more time with her whilst she doesn't address her alcoholic issues.

It’s either your mother or your marriage. I know what I would choose. You need to be firm and take her home.

Tough love is what alcoholics need.

You need to lay down the law. Its your home at the end of the day and your DH home. Not hers.

You take her back to the house. You tell her it is not viable for her to stay longer as DHs children have visitation. No other excuse needed.

You let her know that her behaviour and threats of suicide are concerning and the next time you receive a phone call or text of this nature, that you will be calling the police for a well being call as you no longer have the lifestyle to facilitate housing her any time she has a bad turn.

To maintain contact, I would say a quick call once a day to check in, a visit once a week at her house (not yours).

You tell her firmly that if she does indeed sell her home, that there is no space for her to live on your home comfortably, and thats the end of it.

Dont let her dictate your life due to her poor choices.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

I'd be furious about this if I were the mother of his children. Letting her down shouldn't be an option.

FOG, fear, obligation and guilt is what you’re feeling, hard as it will be you need boundaries, alcoholism has far reaching ripples and many people are being impacted by your mum, time to be tough, no other option

What do you do?
You have your own life and family, I presume.
How is this your responsibility?

@Motherproblem101 you need to just pack her case tomorrow and tell her it was only meant to be for one night. you have other commitments. she needs to be told that her fate is in her own hands and no one else's. if she can clean at yours then she can clean at her own. she is not a geriatric!! you have to be strong and not let her walk all over you.

I think making a choice as to who you are putting first might help you organise your thoughts?

Your Dh, does he support you, loving, caring and want the best for you??

Or your mum, moans, alcoholic, manipulative, wants her own way..?

Then just say
'I'll help you pack tomorrow as dh's children are here this weekend'

And next time she falls, organise her a falls pendant for the council.

Sadly your guilt is allowing her to be enabled with this behaviour and could potentially impact your family. It's hard but you need to put boundaries in place and take her home. Provide her with the numbers of people who can support her and tell her she needs to act like an adult. I'd also recommend therapy or at least reading the book Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Your mum is not going to change, you need to decide how you cope with that and put you and your family first.

You must prioritise your DH and DC and take your DM home. Do not get drawn into any manipulation. DM is responsible for her choices and her life
I'm 59,so your DM's age and I wouldn't dream of imposing on my DC's like this and I am disabled
Do not let her drive a wedge between you and DH.. and don't cancel your Sdcs visit

You have no responsibility towards her.
You let her live with you and say goodbye to your marriage

Or

You tell her that she needs to move back and that she needs to get her shit together.

Take her for a naice pub lunch and then kick her to the kerb drop her outside her own front door?