Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

She seems completely mobile and mentally fine when she's here. But apparently at home she's more like 87 than 57. She regularly Falls she swears it isnt alcohol causing it. She thinks she's getting dementia. She isn't disabled. But acts like she is old and infirm and can barely move.

She won't seek help for any of her issues.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt.

It sounds as though she needs an adult social care assessment. I'd suggest a referral to an alcohol service but if she won't even admit she has a problem that would be pointless.

You are not responsible for her though and as an immediate priority you need to get her out of your house.

Could you get her GP to do a social services check on her? I think I remember hearing that you can get them to go around and visit to see that they can live independently via their GP if you are concerned? If she isn't coping they'll be able to support her better?

Its understandable that you feel responsible but that does not mean you are responsible. Your responsibility is to yourself and your family (husband and kids).
She is an adult, you are actually not helping her by allowing her to keep living in a fantasy world where she can live with you. You are not her parent and she needs to hear the truth.
I feel very sorry for you but you must put yourself first.

snap @ilovesooty - I forgot what they were called but yes, see if you can get one.

She may have brain damage from the alcohol abuse. Does she have memory loss or a swollen looking belly and skinny legs?

Harsh but honest, you have two choices: Lose your marriage (because there's no way your DH will tolerate this situation long term and have his kids around an alcoholic. Nobody's kids need that.
I speak as a recovered walking Guilt Trip. Your guilt will push you into making the wrong decisions for you and your family.
Don't do this. Don't prioritise your guilt.
Your mum has had her whole life to sort herself out. You can't fix this. You can give love and support from a healthy distance. Self preservation is vital here, OP.
Get her home. DH's kids are coming for a visit and she has to go home. Hard as it is to say this, you have to try and find the words to tell her and the courage to just do it. Get her home and honestly, don't worry about her reaction. Her bad reaction will be waaaay easier to deal with than her living with you. You can hang up on a bad reaction! You can mute it! You can close a door on it and still be kind to it. But living with you is something you won't have any respite from. It will really kill your spirit.
Growing up with a mother like her would have evaporated your ability to set healthy boundaries. I can't recommend therapy enough. Learn to set boundaries and prioritise yourself, DH, and his children. Protect the life you have and the marriage you've invested him. Don't let your guilt undermine all that you've built up.

Well, you'll have to shake the guilt because at this rate it is ruining your marriage bit by bit.

I say this as someone with some awful alcoholism issues in my close family. It will never change. They don't change, they get worse and they soon get very very very sick. And will need more and more care. As horrible as it feels, you have to let them go. The addiction will take you down with her. There is no happy ending. She has chosen alcohol over you. You don't owe her anything. Giving you life and raising you was her choice and the absolute basic a parent does. You don't owe her the rest of your life.

You cannot, CANNOT sacrifice your home life/marriage/wellbeing on the bin fire that is your mum.

Get a grip (in the nicest way) and start thinking rationally and not emotionally.

My mum was alcoholic too and she would phone me up bemoaning her life, saying she wanted to die. But her problems were emotional/trauma/depression and nothing I could fix so I didn't try. I was a listening ear and nothing else.

That might be cold but her life is not mine, her choices led her to her situation. She could have chosen something else, but she didn't. Your mum is the same. She is choosing to live like this. It's not your problem to solve.

Err, 'get her home' was the second option that I should have listed before I started gasbagging. 😆
Courage, OP! Do the right thing for you, for once. 💐

You have to accept you cannnot save her
She is likely to die from her alcoholism
That is fact.
It is very very sad but you did not cause it
You can write your concerns to her gp and ss
If she engages with them they an help
If she does not so be it

You can save your future and your marriage

Set your boundaries.

Get her back home and get social services involved. Ditch the guilt unless it's for how it's affecting your DH and family.

I think it might be a good idea for you to have some therapy to help you develop some healthy boundaries for yourself and some self respect. This problem isn't going away and you are not going to be able to solve it (as it is not solvable in a way that would bring you happiness)

Short term, take her home and say she can come back to visit when she has been alcohol free for a week... that might push the problem out until you can work out how to make your peace with her wrecking her life in front of you and trying to pull you and your family down with her. So sorry for you, it must be so painful to be involved in.

You sound very mired in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Once she is gone look for therapy or if you can’t afford it self help on this.

If she is well enough to clean she isn’t with you to recouperate. So you’re going to have to have the same conversation about getting rid and same reaction whether you but today, next week or next month as at no point are you giving her what she wants ie permanently living there. How much mental health and marriage you left may vary though.

the best solution is the one where she doesn’t mess up your marriage…

My DF was exactly the same, similar age too. He never outstayed his welcome as in your post, but I did have to go very very low contact - I basically chose my DH and DCs over contact with Him. He was never allowed into my House or around my DCs. In my mind (which took years and years to get to) he was choosing the drink over Me so I had to put everything before Him.
It hurts, a lot, the guilt was horrific but they are her choices, it's her life and you must continue with your little Family. Is there any point you could have a sober talk with her before the Weekend? First thing in the Morning? Has she ever sought help? FYI, DF has been Sober 2 years and 3 months now after being a recluse alcoholic for 9 Years - it can be beaten

Tell her to get her coat on because you're going out.
Drive her home and leave her there.

No solution is acceptable unless it's her living with us!

In that case I'd suggest gently that it may have been a mistake to bring her to yours at all, especially if her seeming "completely mobile and mentally fine when she's here" indicates that the difficulties at home contained an element of attention seeking and persuading you to let her move in

As PPs have suggested, simply tell her you'll be taking her back before the DC arrive and offer to call the GP/other support for her

If she refuses that's her choice to make, and as for the "guilt" perhaps consider whether this is worth risking your marriage for

Not helpful

I’m a mother same sort of age and there is no way I would want my children to feel obliged to help me at the expense of their families - good parents don’t do that.

Is she consuming alcohol?

Stuff can be brought over the next day surely

Your husband doesn’t want her to stay so your guilt is unimportant here, OP.

Tell her she needs to be gone before DSC arrive.

If you can’t leave her you can go and stay with her.

Your husband doesn’t want her to stay so your guilt is unimportant here, OP

Yes, this too - in fact it could even be considered quite self indulgent if it's allowed to get in the way of the rest of the family's wellbeing