Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

You take her home. She can get an equity release mortgage. I don’t thin they are at all recommended but if she wants to use her property as a bank…

She won't be able to release much equity at the age of 57.

Most firms do it in the value of the house rather than age. My SiL was 66 and there was a clause in the contract stating that if she lived long enough for the equity to be exhausted she would have to vacate or pay market rent.

You have to make it clear it's not just while DH kids are there. She is not going to be at yours permanently ever. (Get her out first and then have that convo)

His kids coming is a gr8 opportunity to take her home. (Perhaps offer to stay the night at hers to help her settle if you are feeling guilty). Then you MUST leave her there and not have her back at yours. Have "the talk" at her house. All help to her must be on her turf otherwise you will have a life of stress and no safe happy place for yourself.

GPs are the very worst people to ask if someone can live independently. That's a social worker skill set. Although a lot of GPs, and hospital consultants, think they know best, thus this sort of comment.🙄

But they can refer to social services.

I'd drive her to an AA meeting, park outside and tell her she either goes in and faces up to her alcoholism and you'll take her back to your house tonight or yoire taking her home and you'll drop her things home tomorrow.

Dont ruin your life for an abusive alcoholic.

OP can do that. No need to go via GP, so pointless to go there for that reason. In any case the comment I replied to obviously thought GP should assess for care. Nope.

You can't live with an alcoholic, especially if you have children staying regularly. Does she admit to being an alcoholic? Or is she firmly brushing this under the carpet and pretending she's sober?

You can't save her. You're going to have to be firm and take her back to her house. She's drinking away her own money and once that's gone she'll drink away yours.

She won't help herself because she knows she'll be told to stop drinking and she doesn't want to do that. Give Al Anon or one of the helplines for friends and family of alcoholics a ring and ask for their advice.

I hate to say this but she sounds just like my brother as he started the rapid downward slide into the end stage of alcholism. He used everything to guilt trip me into underpinning his crappy life style. He claimed he needed care but would NOT engage with support services and expected me to pay. He tried repeatedly to sneak a move into my current home so I could provide him with the 24/7 care he said he needed. I found out why later, his home was remortgaged and equity released to the absolute hilt to pay for more alcohol. THAT is why the sod targeted someone they could bully and move in on. The debts were deeper than a bottomless pit and he tried repeatedly to set up joint bank accounts claiming I had agreed to ‘help’ him with banking…..no words and a lot of money spent with a solicitor to STOP all that. Thankfully I always managed to hold the boundary of him never staying or I dread to think what he would do. he would appear frail and needy and wheedle to get what he wanted but could pull a cunning left field trick to gain what he wanted (funds for yet more drink) The sad truth was his only real relationship was with drink and then illegal drugs on top.

There is NOTHING you can do to help such a person. If they move in they find a way to use your address to access money for drink. You end up with debt collectors on your doorstep from debts incurred for the same drink. It would ruin your relationships with your chosen partner and kids. The sheer dirt, mess and disregard for their home will happen in yours. No matter what you did it would never be enough as it’s like feeding a gaping black hole of wants disguised as needs. My brother was racing through three bottles of wine as his breakfast followed by vodka as ahem ‘water to sip’ and I costed he was burning through £500 per day in drink alone.

As hard as it is all you can do is I insist she goes back to her own home and if she gets dramatic and refuses offering to harm herself call the police to deal with her and remove her. Your sanity, your partner and kids all deserve so much better than having an alcoholic squatting in your midst destroying not only their life but also your life, your home and your family life so you like them end up with nothing.

I’m sorry but the alcoholic’s answer to life is to get someone else to provide it. You will provide her home so she can drink, and drink. My ex-h did exactly this. The threats of suicide when he didn’t get his own way, the whining and expecting gratitude if he so much as washed a teaspoon were all the same.
You will have to physically take her home, she won’t go willingly.

Brain deterioration ( it’s actually damage due to alcohol ) happens causing memory loss etc..
Refusing help from GP, she won’t admit she has a problem.
You’ll have to return her home, give her AA contact details and tell her you’ll do no more until she gets help.
Don’t let her alcoholism ruin your and dh’s lives and relationship.

But that is misguided. You are not responsible for her life choices. She is choosing not to get help, that's her guilt not yours.

Your mother sounds evil. Any potential inheritance is going to be wasted on her bad spending or care needs in case of your mum. Stop contact with her and keep your distance. I think you’re better off if she does top herself as then you can live your life without her drama.

I disagree. The truth is rarely unhelpful.

You say “uninvited guest”, but it sounds like you actually invited her?

Time to uninvite her and prioritise your husband over the drunk narcissist settling in to your home.

You should feel much more guilt and obligation to dh and step kids being able to visit. You have to prioritise that.

However even if dh and step kids weren't involved you should not let her bully her way in to your home. She isnt homeless she needs to sort herself out and plans cannot involve you.

Op, I'm 54, and most of my friends are older. It is in no way normal to be "having falls" at this age. Quite the opposite. We are all still working and enjoying far flung holidays etc. Some of us (not me) are still hiking, hill walking, etc etc.
I would wager that is IS the alcohol that's causing this. And that's not your problem, and you can't solve it either.

I actually have an alcoholic father, who has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, and the only thing that stopped him drinking (11 months ago), was him almost dying, and being told that the next drink would definitely kill him. Nothing else we tried before that made any difference. It took him being hospitalised and being at deaths door for weeks.

Tell her that in your opinion it is the drink that's causing these problems, and that you need her to quit before you can even think about next steps in helping her with depression/money. If she argues that it isn't the drink, I'd ask her what does she have to lose by quitting for a month? And if she can't quit, that shows that she does have a problem. And I would tell her this. This is not the time to be namby pamby.

Please don't promote an equity release to her though - they are a total rip off (I used to work in finance). She would be better off selling her house and buying something much smaller, or renting. That way she at least keeps all of her money.

My brother was racing through three bottles of wine as his breakfast followed by vodka as ahem ‘water to sip’ and I costed he was burning through £500 per day in drink alone

Per day? That's a typo surely?

Would it be possible for you to ring her GP and raise concerns? I did this once for my sister and they contacted her.

So what if she has? Is there a 1 post limit per topic on mumsnet or are you a bit docile and don't understand that significant problems such as addict parent don't go away overnight.

She is pulling this shit because it works. She is the toddler that knows after the 15th tantrum you will give in and buy the toy. So stop giving in. Its her problem, so hand it back to her. When you refuse to entertain her nonsense and open up her attempts at emotional blackmail to professsional scrutiny, it may ramp up slightly to start with (a small injury from a "fall" that needs medical attention or taking a few but not enough pills to actually do any damage "You see!!!!! And you didnt believe me!!") it will stop

Exactly this

Nobody pretends it'll be easy, but things worth doing often aren't, and anyway it's got to be better than imposing the chaos on OP's immediate family

If you told her she could 'stay for a while' then this is why you have the problem. She's defined it as what she wants to hear.

Totally unfair on your husband. You need to tell her, politely but firmly, that she has to leave. Otherwise you could have much more of a problem on your hands and I wouldn't blame your husband at all. You need to grow a backbone here, you are not her keeper and didn't ask her to be an alcoholic. She needs help overcoming addiction, but it'll only work when the effort comes from her.

Make the decision for her - she's going.

The idea of an able-bodied 57-year-old phoning up because she's 'had a fall' is making me cringe. She's not an elderly, vulnerable pensioner. She's a selfish drunk who wants attention and you keep giving it to her. It doesn't matter that she's your mother. Her only physical health issue is that she is drunk most of the time and she won't seek help for that. She's a grown adult, you did not choose to be her daughter and she's about to wreck your marriage. You have ZERO responsibility for her.

So it's Friday lunchtime now, @Motherproblem101, and you said DH's DCs are due this weekend

Any progress?