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Original poster

Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

256 replies

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:25

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
curiousasacat · 15/03/2024 05:53

Havent you posted about her before?

SignoraVolpe · 15/03/2024 06:09

Take your dm home this afternoon. Tell her the dsc are arriving and you have plans.
Dont weaken.
Then tell her that until you have proof that she’s been to the gp you will not be helping her.
Be very clear that she is never living with you.

My df is 90 and still lives alone, he should be living with someone but refuses to go in a care home and is so rude and angry at times that I have told him he can’t live with us.

Beautiful3 · 15/03/2024 06:17

I'd take her home, explaining that she cannot live with me anymore. Call social services adult social care for an assessment, and help her sell up to down size.

puzzledout · 15/03/2024 06:17

IncompleteSenten · 14/03/2024 18:37

Sounds like you need to choose.
Your marriage or your mother.

It really will come down to this and your mother will still be a toxic alcoholic.

You do need to contact Al anon for support from other families and to get coping strategies.

Your mother is in charge if her own destiny, you are not and have never been nor never will be responsible for her life choice.

Pipsquiggle · 15/03/2024 06:21

You need to take her back.
She needs to admit she has an addiction problem and get to the Dr. No one can help her until she helps herself.
Please do not feel guilty over this.

eish · 15/03/2024 06:33

Take her home and prioritise DH’s children. Then get yourself some therapy to help you deal with that guilt.

Isthisit22 · 15/03/2024 07:15

You know the answer to this. Unfortunately no on can tell you a special thing to do or words to say to make this okay. You just need to take her back.
An alcoholic can only get well when they decide to.

Sicario · 15/03/2024 07:18

Look up FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt.

You have been trained since childhood to feel guilt and obligation towards your no-marks mother.

She is NOT your responsibility.

You don't owe her anything.

She will ruin your life without a second thought in order to fulfil her selfish needs.

Learn about healthy boundaries and practice emotional detachment from her.

As you yourself said - you don't even like her. It's no wonder. She is a bad mother and a toxic person who cares nothing for you or your life.

Take her home. Tell her she will not be moving in with you and that next time she threatens suicide you will be calling in psychiatric services.

Threatening suicide is a well-documented form of abusive controlling behaviour patterns.

Frankly your best option for people like this is to go No Contact as it is impossible to have any kind of relationship with someone who is that disordered of thinking.

volie · 15/03/2024 07:18

You need to think seriously about what will happen when she runs out of money. Because it could become your problem.

You can't do a thing about her alcoholism (you must know that by now). But I would be trying to get a clear picture of her finances, help her apply for any relevant benefits etc.

DON'T feel like you must give in to her idea of living with you though, it's a terrible idea.

NotGreatExpectations · 15/03/2024 07:33

As the daughter of an alcoholic parent who died of the disease, and now someone who regularly attends Al-Anon, I would advise you take her home.
she has to hit rock bottom and letting her stay with you is basically enabling her and will put a huge strain on your marriage.
Tell her you love her and will support her when she starts helping herself.

Emily1583 · 15/03/2024 07:37

Turf her out. She has the potential to destroy your relationship. I've seen it happen before these sort of self destructing people dragging other people down with them.

Scaffoldingisugly · 15/03/2024 07:38

Simply put it's your dm or your marriage...

Zyq · 15/03/2024 07:40

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:28

Have suggested this.

Have suggested she apply for PIP if she's as unwell as she says she is.

No solution is acceptable unless it's her living with us!

Show quote history

Tell her tough, she isn't going to be living with you, so she'll have to sort herself out. Give her the number of social services, Alcoholics Anonymous and other useful support organisations. Answer the phone to her no more than once a day, and when she starts moaning remind her that those are the numbers to call. If she has a "fall" ask if she needs an ambulance, otherwise leave her to it.

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 07:40

She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out

Of course she wants to live with you and sell her house to live on if her money has run out- it benefits her massively! This is a blatant manipulation of you so she doesnt have to work, and can sit at home all day indulging in her addiction which is exactly what she does at home so she wants to carry this on doesnt she?

You cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her and if you don't put a boundary in place now and send her home you will be stuck with her for potentially the next 30-40 years drinking and falling down in your own home, upsetting your kids and your husband and it will likely lead to your marriage breaking down. Once her money from the sale of her house runs out, she'll then expect you to fund her. This wont end, it will go on and on with you having to take more and more responsibility for her. The choice is yours really but if you do nothing then you cannot really complain when your marriage breaks up as a result. This really boils down to a choice between her and your own family I'm afraid.

sugarrosepetal · 15/03/2024 07:45

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:44

She seems completely mobile and mentally fine when she's here. But apparently at home she's more like 87 than 57. She regularly Falls she swears it isnt alcohol causing it. She thinks she's getting dementia. She isn't disabled. But acts like she is old and infirm and can barely move.

She won't seek help for any of her issues.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt.

She will likely have b12 deficiency if she is highly dependent on alcohol. She needs to seek help for her drink problem and get blood tests to rule this out. Don't take her nonsense. She may be your mum but you don't deserve to be manipulated and controlled by her. Take her home and then lay down the law that unfortunately as much as you love her, she will never be moving in with you and your hubby.

Londonrach1 · 15/03/2024 07:47

Say dh DC are coming for the weekend so need to run you home today.

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 07:48

She will likely have b12 deficiency if she is highly dependent on alcohol

Yes, and it's actually very possible she has korsakoffs which is a form of dementia caused by chronic alcohol abuse - that can affect anyone of any age if they have abused alcohol for years. Its largely due to lack of B12 in the brain.

mamacorn1 · 15/03/2024 07:51

She is only 57, she just makes excuses to not find work and not have a life. Stop feeding into this. Pack her stuff and tell her she is going home because step kids are coming - end of
otherwise your marriage is going to end instead and i know which I would choose. Show your partner you are putting him first rather than your bullying mum.

ManonDe · 15/03/2024 07:58

You are going to have to be really harsh on her I think. You have a ready made excuse with your stepkids arriving. Take the chance and never let her back in. You will ruin your life if you cater to her. You may well have to be quite brutal in how you present it to her. But don't tiptoe around her. She is not considering your feelings in any way shape or form so be straight with her.

TempleOfBloom · 15/03/2024 08:13

it’s really hard OP, and her behaviour is so manipulative and exploitative.

Medium and longer term : you need to seek help for your guilt. Al Anon as suggested by a PP, or counselling. The guilt is (understandably) your issue, it’s in your head, but if you don’t seek help and support for managing that, then you will be like her: refusing to seek help while your DH watches you struggle like this.

For now maybe find your anger? She has no right to crash in on you like this and disrupt your home and home life, especially where your SDC are concerned. There is nothing preventing her going home: the effect on your Ds and his kids is much worse than the effect of Her being in her own home.

candycane222 · 15/03/2024 08:15

When a man threates suicide to make unreasonable demands, we call it abuse. This is no different. She is abusing you and quite possibly always has. Who planted that seed of guilt in you, so they could continue using it to manipulate you down the years? Could it have been - your mother?

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 08:33

candycane222 · 15/03/2024 08:15

When a man threates suicide to make unreasonable demands, we call it abuse. This is no different. She is abusing you and quite possibly always has. Who planted that seed of guilt in you, so they could continue using it to manipulate you down the years? Could it have been - your mother?

This is right on the money. Completely agree

cestlavielife · 15/03/2024 08:35

She seems completely mobile and mentally fine when she's here

So no guilt
She can be fine when she wwnts to

Rosscameasdoody · 15/03/2024 08:53

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:31

I completely agree.

Neither of us wants her here. I'm just struggling with my sense of responsibility towards her.

Show quote history

How old is she ‘OP?. I’m asking for two reasons. One is that if she’s past retirement age, she won’t be eligible for PIP - it’ll be attendance allowance, for which there is no mobility component, although in some respects it’s easier to make a successful claim as the assessment criteria for PIP are much harsher with no room for discretion. I’m also wondering about the possibility of her selling her home and going into care instead of living off the proceeds, which could be seen as deprivation of assets if she needs care later on.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/03/2024 08:54

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:44

She seems completely mobile and mentally fine when she's here. But apparently at home she's more like 87 than 57. She regularly Falls she swears it isnt alcohol causing it. She thinks she's getting dementia. She isn't disabled. But acts like she is old and infirm and can barely move.

She won't seek help for any of her issues.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt.

This post jumped out at me.

Would you feel guilty if this was a friend rather than a relative? If you would feel less guilty or no guilt at all if it was a friend or even a stranger, start thinking of her like that. Due to the alcoholism and whatever else is going on in her life, the person you think of a "Mum" is not there.
Take her home.
Tell her that these are the things that SHE must do if she is to be involved in your life again.
List the things that you want her to do for herself (sell house, move to smaller house, get her act together, whatever) and only when she can prove that these have been done, would you be interested in having her back in your life.
It's called very tough love. She wants YOU to do all these things for her but you have your own responsibilities and you cannot and should not feel guilty about having your focus on your family.

Get her in your car and drive her to her home and leave her there. It will get easier each day but you need to stand firm "Have you done X?" or "Have you managed to do Y?" and let her come back to you with her usual "No, I haven't, I need you to do it for me" where you would reply with "Mum, I can't. There are organisations that can help you. Please contact them and get them to help you. I don't have the capacity at the moment".

Sending you strength to get through this.