Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

@Motherproblem101 I'm a couple of years older than your mum. I have to sell my home for very different reasons and will not be left with much money.
I am looking at supported/retirement rentals. You should check if your mum is eligible for sickness benefit, alcoholism is an illness after all. Obviously, she won't get benefits if she sells and has a big profit. It may allow her to remain in her home.

If she refuses help then it’s probably time to let go. Hard as that might be. Shes 57 not 87 so has plenty of life & time to sort herself out. But that’s her decision. x

Hi OP
Sorry to hear this. I see a number of similarities to my own mum, including the denial that alcohol is a problem.

I highly recommend having a listen to this podcast about healing from emotionally immature parents which helped me reframe a lot of things in my mind and brought some peace. Lindsay C Gibson has also written a book which is on my library list!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/344qecXTx793cJhIUBjl54
or
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things-with-glennon-doyle/id1564530722?i=1000637517353

One other thing I’ve learned is that we can only help people who are willing to do the work to help themselves, which begins with taking responsibility for their own stuff. And for some, the level of pain/discomfort/unsafety in that makes it beyond their capacity to choose. It’s desperately sad, but it’s not ours to fix (and definitely not ours to trash our own lives trying). I’ve come to believe my work is sorting out my own wounds so I pass less of this generational trauma onto my kids and future generations.

Wishing you strength in holding your boundaries 🙏

What were you thinking? If she had a fall and can't look after herself, you get her to call an ambulance. You don't go collect her - especially when you know she wants to live with you. Tell her you and your husband have discussed it, and she can't stay. If she can clean at your house, she can clean at hers. Tell her to get a rent-paying lodger for extra money. You should never, ever share your home with toxic people. It will cause too many problems in your marriage and other family relationships. I know my marriage has and could survive absolutely anything that could happen - except if I had allowed MIL to live with us.

Please google covert Narcissism. You are deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) at the moment but you need to take a step back and see this for what it actually is. Good luck, I hope you’re able to put sone boundaries in place.

I'm not sure what magic wand some people think a GP is going to wave to make any difference to an alcoholic. In most areas addiction services are self referral and the OP could probably google her area's services. If her mother doesn't want to stop drinking there isn't much a GP can do. If she wants a referral her GP could refer her but a GP referral isn't essential. Social services are also self referral.

You said she was controlling and she still is...

This is classic control at its finest. Send her home and distance yourself ASAP

If your mum still has a home to go to then it's cheerio. Do it or she will ruin your life. People have to take responsibility for their own lives. I'm not saying cut her off but she needs to deal with it. Be there for her but don't give up your own life for your mum.

Sorry you are in this situation. It may help to know you are not alone. This article may be helpful. “You have the unenviable choice between guilt and resentment”. guilt, while painful, is the lesser of two evils and better for you in the long run.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/22/ask-philippa-perry-my-mums-depression-drags-me-down-i-feel-i-need-to-stay-away

If your mum has access to Facebook there’s a on line dry April course coming up and the group remains private, so any discussion she enters isn’t popping up in friends comments.

https://sarahrusbatch.com/af-challenge

ive participated in one of Sarah’s courses and the information she provides is excellent. She also has recently printed her first book.

Mum can be free to talk with like minded people in a kind and safe environment. Families can also join in. It’s very educational how alcohol’s hook gets in and why it’s so hard to kick.

Narcissistic personality disorder. Join a fb group on it and read, ot will make u feel much better.
They won't go to the Dr, itd be admitting there's something wrong & narcs are perfect. There's probably nothing wrong anyway. It's all to get u to do wot she wants. Everything is control, to get a reaction, they have to be the centre of everything.
My mum is the same.
Any contact you have from now on don't reply unless u have to.
If she says she's had a fall tell her ull deal with it, put the phone down, call an ambulance and send it to her. She won't do it again. Bt she will move onto another tactic.
Post this on daughters of narcissistic mothers on fb, the replies will amaze u.
Remember, it's not just u, narcs all do exactly the same thing.
U will feel guilty bt look after yrself or she will destroy u and not care.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP 🌺🌸🌺 Dealing with alcoholics is a heartbreaking nightmare.
I was one, having babies saved me and gave me the motivation I needed to kick it in the butt. Although very highly functioning, my Dad was an alcoholic and he just couldn't give it up no matter the damage it caused him physically and emotionally through fractured relationships. My kid's Dad is also an alcoholic and we recently separated and as much as he can be a wonderful person and Dad, he just doesn't want to acknowledge the problem and it's so sad to see. I don't want my kids to go through it with me too, and my motivation is being their reliable, stable parent.
Any 'help' she asks for is really just ways to enable her to keep drinking. I know the guilt is absolutely horrendous, and I really, really feel for you. But you do have to put you and your family first, your Mum is only thinking of herself and being able to drink. It's so sad 😞 You can't help your Mum until she is willing to help herself. But you will be an amazing role model to your children showing them how to hold these boundaries to protect yourself and your family in these ever so difficult circumstances.
Are you able to seek some counselling maybe? I have been very lucky to find a counsellor who is a recovered alcoholic and he has been amazing at helping me process everything. I really struggle with the guilt, and it's been invaluable to have that support.
Sending you big hugs OP, it's such a tough situation and I wish you all the best as you navigate through it 🌺🌸🌺

My honest advice would be to block her number for about a fortnight or put it on your Do Not Disturb list. She can leave a voicemail if she really wants to but you don't have to dial in and listen to it until you're ready to.

Take your time in getting back in touch with her. You've earned at least that much.

Better take her home before your husband leaves! Find other avenues of help for her.

@Motherproblem101 Get support for yourself and your family if they want it too. You can't keep your mom there. You aren't responsible for her. We call it a family illness. At least check this link out

al-anonuk.org.uk/

I am so sorry you are going through this OP I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. My DM had an uncle that she felt responsible for due to the “help” he gave her dad (We live 400 miles away). Uncle moved straight from his mother’s house to his brother’s house after my grandmother walked out leaving DG with the two children. Uncle never learned to cope on his own as someone was always there to pick up the pieces. My DM tried time and again to help him but he refused any help offered. In the end he ended up in an old folks home against his wishes. My DM is only 15 years younger than her uncle but she told him when he reached 65 that if he refused to take any responsibility for himself in any way at all that was where he was going end of. It was incredibly difficult for her to do but in the end she had to put herself first. I would go no contact with your mother for a few weeks before going low contact as she has to hit rock bottom before there is any chance of her changing.

https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/

It sounds like she needs an urgent assessment by a mental health team, who may be able to help the situation. It sounds like she is a danger to herself and shouldn't be living alone. Could you speak to your GP about this?

I’m sorry but she should not be staying with you when your DH’s children come, and he should not have to cancel their visit, that’s very unfair on them and their mother who may have plans.

So you have a deadline, and a reason to take her back to her house. Put on a brave face and tell her she has to go home, and that she cannot move in with you.

Sometimes people are just too far gone & unable to change. I'm not trying to defend this, of course in theory they could but in reality the urges/impulses to carry on with a certain behavior patterns are overwhelming and they fall back into old ways. There might be an outside chance you can help them but the far greater likelihood is they will take you down with them.
Probably the only real hope is specialist help, if there is any, if they will engage.

@Motherproblem101
Start putting your own needs and your family's needs centre of things going forwards,

If she wants to fuck up her life and create chaos and mayhem then that's up to her in her life,
however no needs to allow that self sabotaging mindset suck you into the emotional gutter by the side of her

It's not being selfish to put your own and family needs in the centre,

It's called self preservation, and i tell you something she has no qualms problem's making sure she manipulates you as often like a spolt brat child who is incredibly needy..

Why bother? She doesn’t sound like she has a sense of responsibility towards herself..

I think it’s a heavy weight on MP101. None of us expect as we are growing up, to virtually have to parent our parents… that’s my take on it anyhow 😟

"Mom, I'm sorry, but it's time for you to go home". I wouldn't use the children as an excuse either. Tell her the truth about why you want her to go home. "You come into our home and are rude and try to be controlling. I didn't ask you to clean and would prefer you didn't, and I'm tired of your eye rolling disapproval. We don't share your political opinions and don't care to hear them. We don't appreciate the drinking, and it must stop. You're still a young woman and you do nothing to help yourself. Go home, and if that's the life you want to continue with, you've made your own choices. If not, I'll help you to get in a program somewhere for assistance, but today, I'm taking you home". And do it. And tell yourself you have nothing to feel guilty about except inflicting your mum on your husband. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You could add "Mum, I love you, but I no longer want to hear about your self pity". If you have caller ID, stop answering the phone more than very occasionally. If she's unpleasant, say "Mom, are you ready to help yourself. If not, I don't want to talk about this", and hang up.

Tell her that she can stay provided she doesn't drink. You won't have to kick her out, she'll want to go!