To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

I would just pay for child care.

I'm kind of in the fence here.

3.5 is right peak tantrum age. It is developmentally appropriate for kids this age to have tantrums and while some kids don't most kids do. 3.5 year olds can and do throw things, bite, push etc etc.

When you only have a baby it's quite unpleasant to see but your baby too will grow and go through that stage.

That having been said, it doesn't sound like the tantrum was being dealt with very well and obviously as a first time mum your concern is your baby.

Unfortunately your SIL has probably now had her nose put out of joint, as whole toddler tantrums are unpleasant is also not nice to feel your family don't like your baby any more.

This. Nothing good ever comes from only relying on family for childcare. Pay for childcare and prevent the lines becoming very blurred.

Op you are not being unreasonable. I'd feel the same if it were me and at the end of the day it fell to the little boys mum and his grandparents to manage the issue of throwing toys near a baby or screaming in the babys face. Are they blind ? Can they not see the baby won't like that. When my sister and I had our kids and things like this came up, the relevant parent always stepped in to manage their own child. They are just children they dont know any better, its the parents job to step in. You only want to protect your baby ,.and like you said you love your nephew to bits and it's clear you're not putting the child down or making hurtful comments, your just voicing your concern about safety. You did the right thing and as for worrying that your little one has lost family... if this the way they behave then you haven't lost anyone.. and I'm talking about the behaviour of the adults not your nephew. A reasonable person would understand your worry. The unreasonable don't.

I have no issue my little one attending nursery when the time is right. But at 6 months it doesn’t feel right if we don’t have to - my grandmother wants to care for her, she dotes on her but is recovering. In 8 weeks she should be back on her feet and fully ready. I didn’t want to put baby in nursery to take her back out again so quickly. Obviously if we had to then we would but we’re grateful to family and friends support to mean we didn’t have to do this. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want nephew to shout in baby’s face and throw things in her direction though. I understand kids have tantrums and his jealously is normal for his age, it’s the lack of response and management that makes us feel anxious. Still, I don’t know if it was worth causing this rift though.

I would also put the baby into nursery, your grandmother may not be well enough in 8 weeks time, there's no telling how she's going to feel after treatments etc really, even if she's feeling well she may well be tired or weaker. You'll be anxious about baby being with your MIL anyway so you will be better paying for proper childcare where you can have a say in what's happening, because you can't really when you're relying on the good will of others.

I will also say that when you're the parent of a baby a 3yo looks massive, but when your baby is 3 they will still be tiny to you. 3yo kids do have tantrums and act up and push boundries, yours will likely do the same.

You're absolutely right, it's normal 3 year old behaviour but your baby shouldn't be put in harms way rather than hurt some maternal feelings.
SIL will have alot of this coming her way during the school years if she doesn't try to teach her child how to behave and mange his behaviour. Maybe a wake up call for her. People won't want to be around her child if she allows him to do whatever he pleases.
Your baby can't speak up for herself so you did it for her. That's motherhood.

i found it hard to understand that post with all the different people involved but essentially a couple of things stand out

Firstly nephew is still very young and is pushing boundaries, sounds like the way they’ve elected to deal with it is to disregard negative behaviour and (presumably) reward positive. Your child will potentially do things like this when it’s older, how will you feel if you’re kept away from people because of that.

Secondly, pay for childcare and stop relying on other people to do it for free. Particularly grandmother with cancer, just let her be a grandmother rather than unpaid child care while she’s recovering.

Is baby your PFB?

Nursery would be so much better.
Even when she’s finished treatment is Grandma really going to cope when your baby gets mobile which could be really soon, one of mine was walking at 9 months! It also stops any issues with MIL and your nephew, because the nursery rightly had babies separate to preschoolers. It’s a consistent setting from day 1, not a cobbled together mix of family and friends, only to swap to grandma, to move again to nursery when she’s older- so many potential settling issues. You also know what you’re getting, that nursery will follow your wishes and avoids any future potential fall outs. If you’re in this awkward situation already before childcare has even started it surely tells you it'll be a disaster for everyone’s relationship.

I think you're being incredibly unrealistic about how capable someone who has just undergone cancer treatment is going to be in looking after such a young child especially when she starts to crawl and walk.

Honestly I would look into enrolling her into a nursery asap. Granny can still look after her occasionally but it's very unlikely she will be capable of full time childcare and when she inevitably says it's not working out you'll be completely fucked in trying to find somewhere for her to go with next to no notice.

Nursery is not the only childcare available. I am frankly shocked that you would think it’s ok to rely on an elderly person who is also recovering from cancer. She might feel she can’t tell you that she is not ready or finds it too hard. Do you really need her so badly? I wouldn’t want my poor grandma to look after my kids after having such a serious illness. I assume yours is at least 70ish too.

Looking after a soon crawling 7/8/9/10 months old is hard work. will she be able to keep up when baby starts walking?

Let grandma recover and have her visit often but get a childminder or nanny share.

Pay for childcare. Your granny is being treated for cancer, leave her to recover in peace, fgs

Ime sil's and their dc can do no wrong in ils eyes...
Sadly I doubt this will be forgotten any time soon.

If MIL cannot protect your baby from their 3.5 year old cousin, then I don't see why you would find her competent to look after your child full stop.

I also agree with others about asking a woman recovering from cancer to be responsible for your childcare.

Nursery is surely better than these options?

Honestly @Wife2b this is one of a hundred reasons why I think in almost every circumstance paying for childcare is better.

Can you find a childminder who maybe only takes a couple of children? A friend found a lovely one when her baby was 6 months. She was in her 50's and only ever too two children. My friends son is now 6 and hasn't needed a childminder in 2 years and she still keeps in touch, visits, and he just adores her. Look far and wide and hopefully you can find someone.

Yanbu.

Yes it’s toddler behaviour in some toddlers however your baby should not be subjected to shouting or screaming in her face or being potentially hit by a projectile. All the adults let her down and showed they couldn’t be trusted to keep her out of harms way when it comes to her cousins behaviour.

There is no need for a mil and fil babysitting to become a whole family event either.

I can’t believe you are expecting your grandma to provide regular childcare particularly when recovering from cancer. I would not even expect my parents to provide childcare for my baby, never mind grandparents!

Is the reason you don’t want to send to nursery because you would prefer free childcare or you just feel uncomfortable with a nursery setting?

This. Absolutely dreadful to expect this. Pay for childcare. Solves all problems.

To your SIl it probably looks like a real criticism of their parenting and or child. You are basically saying a much older lady, recovering from cancer is better able to look after your child than your sil. That must be hard to hear - even if it is true. And one day your child maybe the one doing the throwing hitting etc.

I don’t know how old your grandmother is however I am in my 60s and had cancer a couple of years ago . I certainly could not have looked after a baby within weeks of treatment in fact 2 years on I still tire very easily .
I really think you need a Plan B

If you can't trust family you have to go child care. Do you really not trust your family to control the nephew if necessary? I don't know what I would do.

You need childcare for your 6 month old. Your choices are nursery or MILs care, you don’t think your MIL will properly care for your dc, use the nursery, the care will be safe and appropriate.

You do sound like you’ve decided you can’t use a nursery because that will be an inferior level of care for your child, but from what you’ve said the care available for free from your family won’t be very good so have a rethink of nursery.

also think carefully about grandmother - even if she’s well enough after another 8 weeks, a few months after that she won’t be looking after a baby who just lies down or sits, but a toddler, my youngest could run quite fast before their 1st birthday - it is tiring looking after a toddler and so her care might end up not being a long term option.

So she’s the baby’s great-grandmother?

I am guessing she can’t be young - but of course, happy to be corrected.

And she’s recovering from cancer?

I really do think she will be taking on too much to look after a baby who will be crawling and walking soon - no matter how much she says she is able.

I think you are going to need to come up with an alternative childcare solution that doesn’t involve family members who aren’t physically capable of the task, or family members who won’t look after your baby in a way that leaves feeling comfortable.

You say family is the best option, but is it? Really?

Your FIL is a twat.

And pay for childcare.

Bit concerned as to how old this baby’s poor recovering-from-cancer-great-grandmother is…