To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

Brave remark to make here!!
The norm is, Unless grandaprents/SIL/BIL/next door/the postman can commit to 200 hours per week to look after your child and/or be prepared to drop everything at a nonosecons's notice to come and look after your child, what the hell is there function?
Good luck!😀

What happens when your grandmother does something you don't agree with?

The way you talk about your grandmother's cancer in such a casual way is alarming. That she had an operation and is "fixed". She's not a car or a machine...

She's a 78 year old woman recovering from cancer! In theory she might think looking after a baby all day will be fine, but its a hell of a long time since she's done it and most of us here in our 30s find it physically and mentally exhausting. You'll be shocked in a few months when the crawling and walking and weaning starts... does granny know all about modern day baby raising? Is her house baby proof? Can she drive and so could she get baby somewhere quickly in an emergency?

Maybe the answer to the above questions are yes. But there is no way in hell I'd be wanting, or asking, a 78 year old to look after my baby for even 3 hours, let alone 3 days.

As for the other grandparents, they sound like strangers to your baby at the moment. So you might as well pay the qualified strangers at nursery to look after your baby and put your mind at rest that she'll be safe and not cause a family rift.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm not sure you're seeing the wood for the trees here. You'll likely look back on this post in a year's time and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

I completely understand where you're coming from! Hopefully it will all blow over with her family.

I highly recommend looking for a childminder for the short term. It's a much more suitable environment for babies because they're quieter and homely, take a look on childcare.co.uk

When you go to work OP, you need reliable childcare. You have no idea if your grandmother will really manage or when her health will sadly decline, you are putting alot on her. My DM looked after DS one day a week before he started school. She loved it but was also knackered afterwards. She was in her 50s. Nursery's have huge waiting lists. If you're not prepared to quit your job at the drop of a hat/find a new job to work around your DH, then I'd suggest having formal childcare in place.

But with regard to MIL, beggars can't be choosers. If you trust PIL then use them, I'd not find formal childcare.

What's a "pet lip "?

but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place

It’s hard to say without being there really. Also, sounds like you are a bit clueless as to how toddler siblings are with baby siblings and that no harm comes of these interactions. Biology makes babies pretty tough and ‘bouncy’ for a reason, and that reason is toddler/young siblings😁. They are usually in their face and trying to drag them around every second your back is turned from day 1. In all my years, I’m yet to come across a baby that actually came to harm from their rambunctious toddler/young siblings actions.

I think I would have focused on babies getting overwhelmed by lots of people and lots of noise so just having MIL there at first would be good. Why on earth are SIL and nephew planning to come along anyway, it's not a family outing it's childcare. Do ILs help SIL so she doesn't have to manage her son on her own hence tagging along? In any case they are being unreasonable, if you want to make up with them you could focus on this being your precious baby, being scared to leave them, that might have clouded your judgement etc. But I'd be sticking to my guns if it were me, if no one is managing the 3yos behaviour then best he stays away.

This

If family or friends do something for you, then it is on their terms. It's then up to you to either suck it up and.say thank you, or make other arrangements. I would use a nursery for a few months as it sounds as if nephew may have got to a tricky stage for SIL. If you don't you'll be constantly on tenterhooks wondering what is happening. Alternatively could you extend maternity leave by a couple of months?

Send your child to Nursery. When grandma is well enough she could do one or two days a week. The other option is you doing go back to work until Grandma is better.

To add as it won't let me edit my post. I'd suggest a nursery would be much healthier for a baby than being passed from pillar to post between family and friends. You baby needs stability.

If you had agreed to do a favour for SIL only to hear that she didn’t want her son to be around your baby because she thought the baby’s unpleasantness upset him and you were not parenting very well, how would you feel? That is how she feels. He may be difficult and she may not be dealing with it in a good way, but this will not have gone down well.

Apologise to your family and FGS arrange childcare. Your poor DGM. I think you are being completely unrealistic about how well she will be in 6m or as baby grows to toddler age. You would be better visiting her with baby a lot. Not relying on her for childcare.

How do you think you will cope when you have a 3yo and a baby? Could happen. Many of us have managed it. I don't think you need your in law's anyway. This has already caused a big row. You need to mend bridges.

Your plan was bonkers in the first place. Pay for childcare like a grown up.

Your baby is unlikely to be intimidated by her cousin and it is up to the adults to intervene if a situation shows signs of becoming dangerous. We had a similar age-gap between cousins here and my little one thought that her older cousin was the best and funniest thing since sliced bread, even when he was tickling her, screaming next to her, stealing her toys and (when she was a bit bigger) rolling her over and roughhousing with her. Rather than keeping them apart, it is up to the adults involved to teach the bigger one how to play appropriately around the smaller one and be vigilant for silly behaviour that might lead to injuries. I know 6 months seems tiny, but in a very short space of time you will have a boisterous toddler yourself and an older child can be an absolute godsend in terms of playing silly games with them and keeping them amused. From when our little one could toddle, she'd follow her good-natured cousin around the place and the two of them would play hide and seek, peekaboo and all sorts while the adults could have a sit-down. Yes, you have to be on the alert at this stage but both children can benefit from adults really trying to foster a good relationship between them.

I'm not going to comment on the childcare situation as others have addressed that extensively.

Are you able to speak to your manager/HR about delaying your return by 8 weeks on the grounds of your childcarer recovering from cancer/compassionate grounds? Or to do a phased part-time return and you
r dh do a hybrid/wfh on the days you need to go to the office? Ie, given the change in circumstances have you and your DH explored alternative options with your employers?

Can you delay going back to work? It seems like a few months delay would be helpful if possible.

OP, I tell you how I see this.
You are making it hard for everyone.
Your in law family wasn't your original option and due changes now your MIL will give you a hand once a week, for you that is not enough, you want her driving and you want her on her own. I would withdraw my offer if I were your MIL, because she has not even started to do you the favour and you are reminding her some special terms and conditions to do it your way.
She is not going to drop a grandchild to pick another. Regardless of how moody is nephew and how lovely is baby. That is simply not going to happen.

Favours have to be acknowledged not demanded, and I got the feeling that they feel you are demanding them.

You seem to be, very understandably, more confident with your grandmother doing it and she wanted to do it. Fair enough, but that option is not on the table any longer.
When she recovers, and if she still feels she wants to do it, that will be fine, but at the minute putting a dead line on her head of eight weeks etc seems reckless.

Let her recover, do not push your in laws to do stuff they may not even want to do and look for a full time solution.

The fact your baby is the most important for you doesn't mean that is the most important for the rest of the world. It is funny how sometimes when a baby is born we are overprotective of them and we incur in unreasonable requests.

You’re being unreasonable, sorry. A mix of PFB and entitled.

If you genuinely think that your MIL and SIL can’t keep your baby safe, why on earth are you relying on MiL for childcare? You’re effectively saying that you want her to do a day a week unpaid but within that time she can’t see her own daughter. How did you expect that to go down?

If you want to be able to control exactly what the person caring for your baby does, you need to pay for a nanny. Or look after your baby yourself.

Not for me to comment on your grandmother. Do be aware that a mobile child is a very different prospect to an immobile one.

Regarding your nephew, I suspect this is one of those things you’ll lie awake thinking about in a couple of years and kick the sheets in embarrassment and mortification.

awful behaviour from you! Pay for childcare.

You need to pay for childcare. You sound extremely precious and can’t believe you’re only giving your grandmother 3 months to recover from cancer to then expect her to look after a baby. This is all a terrible plan. Pay for childcare.

Still, I don’t know if it was worth causing this rift though.

No it wasn't. And this is all you.

You sound like a hard work entitled individual, and beyond "my precious first born."

No one else found the toddlers behaviour a concern. You find it grounds to refuse him from the house because of the PFB. You write about your PFB being hysterical and inconsolable. You mean she cried. It's all so dramatic with you and poor, unsafe, tiny baby.

However, until you grow out of your precious first born mentality (and you will, lots of people are like you at first) you're going to behave like this.

All I can say is you've probably buggered it up with your sil now, and she won't forget your treatment of her child, and it's appalling that's its fine in your mind to save money by using a great grandmother recovering from cancer as free childcare.

Save this thread. You'll read it back in about a year and genuinely think "omg I can't believe how much of a twat I was."

Pay for childcare. Much better than all the chopping and changing that’s planned for the baby - MIL then great grandma then nursery from 1? Far too unsettling. Just go for nursery or childminder from the start and let the child have a bit of stability. It’s also way too much to put on a 78 year old, even if she’s volunteering to do it.