To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

She is the baby’s great-grandmother correct, she’s 78 and in excellent shape. I haven’t put any obligation on her, she wants to look after baby the 3 days a week I am working. She dotes on her, and has been living with us pretty much since baby has been born. I imagine baby will go to nursery when she is 1, in the interim, she is enjoying time with her great-grandmother and will be gutted when it’s time for her to go to nursery.

Anyways, this thread isn’t about whether that is a good idea.

I mean honestly whether she wants to or not is pretty irrelevant in this situation, she's 78 and recovering from cancer she's not in great health and you need to be honest here that it's completely ridiculous to think this is a good idea or in anyone's best interests.

A 78yo in remission from cancer is absolutely no a good option for childcare however much she insists she is.

I was 40 when I got cancer and struggled with my own dc, and still not back to full health 4 years later and need a lot more help.

You and your grandma are absolutely underestimating the impact this could have and you're putting your child at risk.

You need a nursery or a childminder with great granny doing the odd day here and there.

Both you and grandmother are living in cloud cookoo land if you both think someone 78 yo ( even without undergoing treatment for cancer ) is fit enough to care for a six month old baby 3 days a week

Sure a couple of hours a day, but 8+ hours, 3 days a week????

Start looking childcare and use DGM to plug gaps if needed, but not as primary source of child care

Honestly, the baby will be better off in childcare with consistent provision. Not a day here with X a day there with Y.. another 2 days with Z and then it all change again...or whatever.

Much better to be in childcare setting 4-5 days. Keep it to a childminder if you want to have them in a smaller group.

She might insist on looking after a baby at 78 and in remission...but you are allowed to say no!

Blimey, none of you know her. She’s in damn good shape - better than my husband who has a disability. You’re all imagining some frail old woman with shaky bones and no energy. Yes she’s had Cancer, surgery has fixed that - no treatment required and now her wound is almost healed she is back to her usual self. Having lost her partner two years ago, my little girl has given her a new lease of life. She doesn’t just sit in all day doing crosswords watching tv saying she is lonely. She’s out on 5 mile walks every day, playing with baby and enjoying every second of it. I’m not making her babysit, she wants to. She is more than capable of looking after her, I wouldn’t allow it if she wasn’t. We will look to nursery in the future though grandmother will be gutted when that’s the case.

You’re not be reasonable to think a 78 year old is a good choice for looking after a baby. They only get more mobile. I was under 30 when my first baby was this age and completely shattered running around after them when they were crawling and walking

OP, I think you’re expecting a lot of your grandmother to bounce back and be able to look after a young baby who will no doubt become a toddler who needs someone for running around after her.

id pay for childcare. 6 months is normal for a lot of people to start children in nursery.

Obviously none of us know her but seriously you don't need to know her to know that a 78 year old who is recovering from cancer is not a suitable choice to look after a baby and before long a toddler.

Genuinely the fact she walks 5 miles every day means nothing. When it comes to looking after a child for 3 full days a week a 5 mile walk will seem like a literal walk in the park.

If you don’t mind me asking, what age is your grandmother?

Have just seen she’s 78.

Catch yourself on, op and fine reliable childcare. I’m sorry but it’s wild that you’re expecting her to do this.

Pay for childcare. Most Cancer patients that age, even in remission, never fully recover. She might not be doddery now but eventually the therapies used to kill the Cancer will cause damage. Eg things like sudden cardiac failure and stroke are really common during remission once you go past 70.

Lots of ppl prefer free child care as you put it because it means the child is with family and yes it saves money. Whats wrong with that? And if said great grandma is happy to have the baby I have no idea why anyone on this thread cares when the great grandma herself obviously wants to have the baby .maybe it will be good for her to spend time with the baby, has that occured to anyone. its none of our business either way.

I think you’ve somehow convinced yourself that you’re doing your grandmother some kind of ‘favour’ by allowing her to care for your child because a) you want to save money b) avoiding the realities of having children and making decisions that you may not necessarily want to make.

My mother is 74 and as much as she loves my children, she’s not the same woman she was when I had my first born. She ties more easily and doesn’t want any trouble. In our case, boys roughhousing, loud music and YouTube videos, shouting matches whilst playing Fortnite. And this happens out of her sight, in their rooms! I can’t imagine making her deal with crying, nappies, feedings at her age now. And she’s not recovering from cancer!

Let your grandma watch your baby for a few hours a day while you run errands, or on a night out with your husband. Not 3 days a week, 9 to 5. Get a childminder to do that.

A 36 year old relative is recovering from cancer. It's a year since diagnosis and she's been through the mill. She's coming to the end of treatment but is still super tired and is not yet able to return to work. I think you are expecting a lot from your grandparent in the circumstances.

My first bout was sorted by an operation, didn't stop me, a previously healthy 40yo, working full time, single parent, having some unforseen damage and becoming disabled due to it.

She can do an hour here and there with your dd, maybe even the occasional day, visit all the time at weekends etc, but 3 days a week with a baby/toddler at her age weeks after having cancer is totally unrealistic.

Don't place her wants and free childcare above your dds wellbeing.

My MIL is in her early 70s and in great shape and health; dotes on my DC. However she’s honest and cannot look after a baby (mine was a baby not too long ago) for a full day without needing few days after to rest let alone 3 days a week.
your grandmother may be wishing (and thinking she may be able to) but doesn’t mean she is able to. She may be gutted but you need to do what’s best for your DC and I don’t think your grandmother is at this point; at least not for 3 full days a week.

I am 45. Eighteen months later after having aggressive cancer treatment it's back.

I would just have a contingency plan in place. Three days post cancer is a lot.

She is 78? You have got to be kidding, OP. Sorry but you can never know when DGGM will kick the bucket. Imagine coming home and finding your DD .....

Have to agree with everyone else.
On P1, I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt and assume you, your Mum and your Grandmother had all given birth in your teens, so your Grandmother was only mid 50s and I still though you were being unrealistic.
I had cancer in my mid 40s, and there is no way in the world I could have looked after a baby full time, at that time in my life.
You are being ridiculous.

Not sure why you are getting a pile on here, OP. My mum is 80, has a few mobility problems, but she regularly looks after my 3-year old nephew who is a handful, sometimes she has 2-3 grandchildren to look after at one time, plus she cooks for up to ten people quite regularly! Just see how it goes with the babysitting, perhaps your MIL will do it for a bit longer, perhaps your grandmother will only be able to manage one day, perhaps all three. With regards to the rift, just give it time and everyone might eventually come round, especially as your MIL is choosing to ignore the pettiness. If it is bothering you that much, you could always 'grovel' to your SIL and FIL and just say that you were feeling anxious as it would be the first time you were leaving baby. But I would just wait and see how the whole thing plays out.

This is madness😂 my grandma looked after me daily between 6 and 18 months. She was mid-50’s at the time and blamed all her subsequent health issues on that period.

It’s absolutely exhausting chasing a toddler round all day and I’m 40 years younger than your granny

I'm 30 and absolutely shattered after a day with my 9 month old. Between 6 to 9 months, babies get 100x harder.

You're completely crazy to expect even the fittest 78 year old in the world to provide full time childcare.

Also voted YABU because what you said about your nephew was unnecessary and confrontational. Your DD did not get hurt by him, and they would have interfered before she did. I'd be mad at you too if I were your SIL, especially as you trust a 78 year old recovering from cancer to be around your child more than her.

When you said you didn't want the nephew around, did you stress that you were sure that the tantruming was just a temporary phase in his development and that as soon as he grew out of it then there wouldn't be any issues?

You may not really believe that, but its important for everyone's feelings for you to at least given an indication that this is likely just a temporary glitch.

It’s normal behaviour but every good parent protects their baby! We have a 3 year gap between 1 and 2, my eldest was very active and emotional and I spent much of maternity leave with my second holding the older boy off from jumping at/around/on him and me. I’d never have left him alone for a minute, nor would I have left them with anyone I couldn’t trust to be watching and actively keeping baby safe all the time.