To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

It's crazy that mil, fil, sil and nephew were all coming to babysit

This, I think you should be really embarrassed to do this.

I don't think you're wrong to let your grandmother baby sit. You clearly wouldn't let someone look after who you didn't think was capable, that's the whole point of this thread.

Your baby may not remember this time but it will shape her relationship with her grandmother, she will always know how much she loved her and did for her. I lost my nana at 6, she looked after us loads, 3 of us in her 70s, we all still talk about how amazing she was 20 years later.

SILis going to be offended, you've criticised her child, she's a mama. But at the end of the day, they're not supervising his behaviour, I wouldn't leave my nearly 3 year old in their care if they're not making sure their kid is being kind. Maybe this is.the wakeup call SIL needs, friends and playmates will distance themselves if she doesn't manage his behaviour.

She sounds amazing!

I really wish posters wouldn't say the DN's behaviour is normal.

It isn't uncommon but it certainly is far more extreme than the norm. I don't think it's normal to shout in a baby's face or constantly throw things.

Neither of my 2 behaved repeatedly in such a way and were disciplined when they did behave badly to be sure the behaviour stopped.

Is 78-yo great granny going to be able to undo highchair straps in time, pull a heavy, choking child out from it and have the strength to hit her hard enough across the back to save her? Believe me, this is not a wildly unlikely to happen scenario. Put your child’s safety and wellbeing first, and let your granny enjoy her without the responsibility of being her sole carer.

I’ve had 3 3.5 year olds, my 3rd is 4 so wasn’t that long ago…. None have ever behaved like this. And they did they’d certainly have been told off for it and physically stopped. Told to be gentle etc.
I do know an almost 7yo who I thought was a lovely kid but then bit her mother out of frustration who just ignored it in front of me. It clearly happened a lot. I was pretty horrified. I no longer feel comfortable with my 4yo being around her unless I’m in the room, there’s a big size difference.
I wouldn’t want defenceless babies around that sort of behaviour when it won’t be addressed. If it were being addressed, that would be different. They’d be keeping an eye, physically stopping, telling him off etc, keeping baby safe and telling him how important it is for baby to be safe. But that’s clearly not as important as letting him run feral/ wild! Firm no from me - and not from PFB mentality as many posters are suggesting. I’m generally pretty relaxed, but never would I allow this.

Agreed, my two would never have done this either. I wouldn’t want my new baby around a toddler who acts up and isn’t parented effectively.

One day a week would be one thing, but three days is a lot.

I don’t think many people are saying the behaviour is normal/ok, more that it’s not reasonable to expect the MIL not to see her own daughter and grandson in order to do unpaid work for OP. The behaviour is at the extreme end but does not justify that, and if MIL cannot manage the toddler and baby safely (with another adult) then she’s probably not the right person for the job anyway.

Lots of children have behaviour issues at some point. It’s not reasonable to expect the rest of the family to shun them as a result.

(I also think that normal toddler behaviour can seem worse than it actually is when you’re only used to a newborn but can’t comment on whether that’s the case here as we only have OP’s description to go on.)

Just pay for childcare OP. Your priority should be what's best for your baby rather than Great-Grandmother's wants. "Just having an operation' at the age of 78 is a huge deal and I think you are minimising the recovery required.

My grandparents are 77 and it doesn't feel fair to ask them to look after my baby (their great grandchild). They don't have cancer like your grandma. Could you afford to take a couple more months off work? Maybe at nearly a year old you'd feel more comfortable with your child being in nursery? You wouldn't need to rely on family members for childcare then (and therefore avoid arguments too).

it is not acceptable, no matter how "developmentally appropriate" (lol) it is, to throw things at a baby or scream in their face.

It would also be developmentally appropriate for the adults in the room (and, OP, it is your place when it is affecting your baby) to remove the child and tell them in an age appropriate way that they are not allowed to do that.

but. Pay for childcare, everything is fine. TBH i don't think it's really ok for your granny to be babysitting.

Thing is, when OP has to go into such dramatics about her hysterical lip curling inconsolable baby, rather than just saying "she cried", it does lean towards her massively exaggerating the toddler behaviour as well.

Very few mothers would allow their toddler to inappropriately shout in a babies face and say nothing. Especially when in the mother's home. So I wonder if the toddler was just being a bit noisy a couple of times, which is not anything to flap about...but to OP, she can't possibly have this anywhere near her poor, "unsafe, intimidated" PFB. Again with the throwing. I'll bet it was a toy, maybe even a soft toy, that he was just playing with. Was deliberately thrown at them? It didn't hit them. Maybe that's why no one said anything there as well: "Toddler plays near baby." Oh no.

It's again all so dramatic, the way OP goes on, you'd think this 3yo had been non stop pelting them with rocks.

I agree with other posters that it would be too much to expect an older lady recovering from cancer to look after a baby/toddler.

Save the baby sitting for when you want to go out if she's keen & then it's not an issue if she's too exhausted & needs to cancel.

Using a childminder would be cheaper. Lots of people use paid childcare for a 6 month old.

sounds like a mess.

I also think it's totally unacceptable to let an almost 80 year old who just went through cancer treatment after a baby. What are you thinking???

Just pay for childcare .

They have overreacted. Your nephew maybe jealous hence his behaviour. He needs to get used to her. Sometimes it’s easier to pay for a childminder or nursery.

When your baby moves to a nursery, how will you feel if you see the place staffed by 78 year olds who have recently been through a major health issue?

A loving carer is vital. But so is someone who has the physical strength, agility, modern practices awareness, and stamina.

Not unreasonable to say that the situation you observed with your nephew wasn't acceptable to you - whatever the reality was, if you didn't feel your baby was safe that was never going to work. But even if your grandmother is super fit now, is it worth looking for a childminder for the one day a week your MIL was going to do so your baby has somebody she's used to who can step in if needed? And it sounds like your MIL isn't prepared to follow your asks exactly - which is totally fair enough as you're not paying for it. If people volunteer their time you just don't have as much clout to demand things. I'd definitely try to reconcile and not ask MIL to babysit without you until you've seen everyone in the same room again. Sometimes it's worth apologising even when you don't think you were wrong...but that doesn't mean retaining her as a sitter!

YABVVU to expect someone recovering from cancer treatment to look after a baby. And you've got more neck than E.T to just let her do it because "she dotes on her".

My dad is having a second round of treatment for cancer and for the best part afterwards he is sleeping/resting and he adores my son but I don't want him looking after him when he needs to rest or do things he is able to do like pottering around the garden when he feels up to it and my dad is 82 this year.

Pull your purse out or get husbands wallet and pay for a nanny and leave your granny to recover....JFC!!!

I’d also put baby in nursery . She needs stability and routine . Sadly you don’t know wheh your grandma will
be fully able to look after a baby.

If also protect my baby do no your not bu

Unfortunately any criticism of someone's child never ends well. I think you were right to speak up though having witnessed what you did, 6 months old is just too fragile.

Please don't rely on your Grandmother being well enough physically or emotionally to cope with a young baby after so short a convalescence.

I'm 18 months post Chemotherapy/Radiation treatment for Invasive Bladder Cancer, and am only just back to my previous energy levels. I'm 56 for reference, and the physical and emotional drain that comes with a cancer diagnosis, and treatment cannot be underestimated.

I'm with those who think it might be too much for your grandmother. I am also recovering from cancer treatment and I'm definitely not the same as before. I get tired very easily, I don't sleep well so often need a nap during the day, and I'm just nowhere near as strong as I was.

I think you are going to have to reconsider your childcare overall, not just for the next 3 months.

What an unnecessary drama. Just send her to nursery!